I don't think his parents like me

[Lilypad15]

OH's parents live about an hour away from me. I don't see them very often as OH doesn't really visit them much as he stays there half the week so tends to stay round here the rest of the time and I don't drive at the moment due to financial issues. From we first started dating, I got this vibe that they weren't keen on me. I'm quite awkward when I meet new people as I suffer badly with anxiety and it's often a trigger for me. Whenever we are round there though, I make the effort to engage in conversation and everything. His dad doesn't talk much but his mum will talk.

We went for a weekend away with them a couple of months ago. One of OH's brothers and his girlfriend also came. His parents were really chatty with his brothers girlfriend but when I joined in or spoke, it seemed like they ignored me or weren't really interested in what I was saying. They are close with both of his brother's girlfriends so I do feel left out which is why I made so much effort.

My birthday is the day before my OH's. They didn't even get me a card, despite knowing when my birthday is. They threw a surprise party on OH's birthday but they didn't call to invite me despite them knowing my phone number.

I haven't done anything bad. I know I don't see them that much but when I do I always make an effort even if I do come across as a bit shy. I've been with my OH for nearly two years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship whom they have never met nor asked about. Part of me wonders if maybe that's why they don't like me, because I have a child?

Maybe I'm being paranoid. They're okay to my face but I get the feeling they just don't like me.

Haven’t read all of the replies so sorry if I’m repeating anything but OP you sound absolutely lovely.

I had this once with a guy I was ‘dating’ well, I wanted it to be more but he didn’t! I only met his parents a couple of times but they weren’t at all ‘warm’ towards me, I know deep down it’s because he wasn’t keen on me and they sensed this.

I have gotten on pretty well with all of my long term exes parents and that’s because we thought it was long term and so, they did also. HOWEVER I know that if their parents DID have a problem with me and were frosty towards me continually, or didn’t invite me to their surprise birthday party, they would’ve hit the roof. And if they didn’t, I’d have hit their roof!!

It’s indicative of how much someone likes and respects you. If someone really loves you and blows your trumpet to their loved ones and is enthusiastic about you and the relationship, it becomes infectious and the majority of the time, others will lead by that. So, in short, I too think half the problem lies with your DP.

To answer a PP's question, he pays half the bills etc as he lives here most of the time so it's only fair. However that on top of the cost in petrol to and from here to work every day would end up being unaffordable atm and being able to pay rent is more important than him being here every night. He is hoping to get a job closer to me.

I'm not desperate for him per sé because I can function quite well on my own and have done in the past. There is this nagging part of me that really wants to try instead of just giving up like I always do. Yeah he was a bit of a knob for a few weeks and maybe that should be a huge warning sign. He's treating me beautifully now but is it genuine, I guess I'm hoping that it is. After the birthday incident he has been ridiculously nice to me, too nice even. BUT that doesn't excuse what happened and how he handled it. He should have questioned his parents as to why I wasn't invited. If it was me and I had been thrown a party by my parents and they hadn't invited him, I would either kick up a stink or I would make a point of leaving and going to see him instead. It would really upset me that he had been left out. Maybe it's because I'm constantly left out of things and stupidly never say anything that he probably thought that that time was no different.

I do agree that this is probably not about them not liking me as such but it's about not liking the idea of me that he must give them, if he doesn't seem to them to be making any kind of commitment then I guess they are likely to think it's not serious. Even so though, I still don't understand why they would blatantly leave me out of things. Even if we had only been together a few months and nobody knew where it was going and they didn't really know me that well, isn't it just common courtesy to invite me anyway? The fact of the matter is either way I'm still his girlfriend regardless of how long we've been together. He is very much to blame but I do also think that there is basic decency and his parents seem to lack it when it comes to me.

I suggest you have a proper discussion with him about all of this.

Then I suggest you invite his parents to do something that includes your dd, maybe an outing or something quite low key. A real child is much less daunting than a theoretical one. Together make an effort to be seen as a unit and then they will have to treat you as such.

I will speak to him tonight. I'll tell him how I actually feel and that it's not okay for me to feel like that, intentional or not. If he isn't willing to speak to his parents or show them that he is serious and committed after I explain everything to him, then he obviously has no respect for me and I guess I will just have to give up. I don't expect marriage proposals or anything, just for him to make sure his parents know I'm not just some fling. If he does say all of that and they still treat me the same then I suppose they just don't like me and I doubt there will be much I can do about that

Yes, to be fair it is common courtesy to invite someone’s partner to their birthday party, surprise or not. They sound rude tbh and I think if I were you I’d cool off with them, so when you do see them, let them come to you and speak, don’t act too nicey nice, enquire about them all the time etc. See if once you’ve backed off a bit they come to you.
There isn’t much you can do if for whatever reason they haven’t warmed to you. If going cold with them doesn’t work, or your BF intervening and asking if there’s a reason for their behaviour, or YOU asking if there is a reason for their behaviour and you don’t really get to the bottom of it, then you’ll just have to either learn to live with it or end things with him.

Do not trust his creepy ott 'niceness'when you pull him up on bad behaviour . Put your child and yourself before this man.

To be honest Lily, he doesn't sound like a good catch, I think you could do one helluva lot better. He unfortunately sounds emotionally immature and not very geared up to thinking about significant things such as the impact his parents behaviour (read: General distain and indifference at best, to downright rude and nasty at worst) is having on you.

He should be trying to sort the matter out, instead he would sooner bury his head in the sand and not have to deal with it.

If I were you, I would back off and get on with your life, don't waste anymore time worry about what those people think, they really aren't worth bothering about.

You make too many excuses for this man who treats you like a casual fling the problem is him, not his parents.

Please don't just 'put up and shut up', it will only get worse not better over time.

Vivacia I keep nodding like mad when I read your posts

I have come to the conclusion that my pil s don't like me & I don't much like them.
This we agree on, so fuck it, it's too much like hard work to put in the effort.

I just avoid them as they do me.
Peace is restored.

Thanks Daisy, I really think that OP's anger is misplaced.

It doesn't matter what an in-law thinks of you so long as your partner puts you first.

It's a typical case of a person legitimising the appalling behaviour of another. The longer the BF lets his parents treat Lily like a 2nd rate citizen, the more they will repeat the same pattern.

If he said to them "DM, DD, this is my GF you're talking about here, pack it in and start treating her nicely" they'd get the message, loud and clear.