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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't think his parents like me

64 replies

Lilypad15 · 19/06/2015 00:32

OH's parents live about an hour away from me. I don't see them very often as OH doesn't really visit them much as he stays there half the week so tends to stay round here the rest of the time and I don't drive at the moment due to financial issues. From we first started dating, I got this vibe that they weren't keen on me. I'm quite awkward when I meet new people as I suffer badly with anxiety and it's often a trigger for me. Whenever we are round there though, I make the effort to engage in conversation and everything. His dad doesn't talk much but his mum will talk.

We went for a weekend away with them a couple of months ago. One of OH's brothers and his girlfriend also came. His parents were really chatty with his brothers girlfriend but when I joined in or spoke, it seemed like they ignored me or weren't really interested in what I was saying. They are close with both of his brother's girlfriends so I do feel left out which is why I made so much effort.

My birthday is the day before my OH's. They didn't even get me a card, despite knowing when my birthday is. They threw a surprise party on OH's birthday but they didn't call to invite me despite them knowing my phone number.

I haven't done anything bad. I know I don't see them that much but when I do I always make an effort even if I do come across as a bit shy. I've been with my OH for nearly two years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship whom they have never met nor asked about. Part of me wonders if maybe that's why they don't like me, because I have a child?

Maybe I'm being paranoid. They're okay to my face but I get the feeling they just don't like me.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 19/06/2015 09:50

Move away from them liking you. The fact is that it's bloody rude to not invite you to his party. Unless there is more to it that is very odd. Do you see a future with your DP? You are a bit dismissive, 'not the sharpest tool'. Might they see this? Or equally, it is true that some parents don't embrace the idea of dc from previous relationships and hope you will vanish.

If you are looking for more then after two years you need to have a discussion with your bf as to where you are going. How old are you both?

Original poster

Lilypad15 · 19/06/2015 09:52

Thank you, I was upset to be honest. I mean, he supposedly didn't know about it until he had finished work at 5 and so for him to invite me at that point wouldn't been pointless, we both know I couldn't have made it. However, the fact that he didn't say anything to his parents, the fact that he will have sat there surrounded by all his family and friends without me and not felt like it was wrong I hadn't at least been asked is really hurtful. I agree with you that every time he does something with them without me and doesn't make an issue out of it, it is most likely reinforcing their view of me as a girlfriend which is that we're not serious. I like to think I don't care what people think about me but I'm only human and it's not nice to feel constantly rejected :(

OP posts:

Heels99 · 19/06/2015 09:56

They should have invited you to the party, that's really rude .
Sounds like they think you have your own life with your dd. perhaps they are not keen on their son being with someone who has a child? He still lives at home and you say he is a bit dim, he doesn't sound like the greatest catch in the world? Could you be making another relationship mistake here?

Original poster

Lilypad15 · 19/06/2015 09:57

Matilda, we are both 26 so still fairly young. I do see a future with him, yes. When I say he isn't the sharpest tool, I mean he lives in his own little bubble most of the time. He's not at all observant and he seems incapable of reading situations. He doesn't like confrontation and so keeps himself to himself and I guess pretends there's no conflict for fear of getting dragged into something. I have had the "where is this going" discussion with him recently as we went through a roughy patch and I was in two minds whether to break things off but he was insistent that he wanted a future with me, that he would do anything to prove it to me etc etc.

And yes, it is rude that they didn't at least ask me, even if I couldn't make it. My parents got my DP a card and money and a birthday cake for his birthday. I didn't even get a card from his. Not that I need them to give me things but still.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 19/06/2015 09:58

I would be upset too. It seems like it is very convenient to him to be in a relationship with you, on his terms. Does he contribute to your bills as he stays so often at your house? How does he treat your dd?

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 19/06/2015 09:58

You have a OH problem really. Did he go to the birthday party? Did he not think it was weird you weren't invited? How odd that you didn't say anything to him.

It's more likely that they aren't keen on your circumstances rather than you. I would be slightly worried if my sons were having a relationship with someone who already had a child. Not because it makes them not a good person, but because of all the stresses and strains having a child can bring. Especially in a step-parenting context which is often fraught with complication.

But they don't get to be rude to you because they are mourning the life plan they'd imagined for their child. But it's your partner who needs to shape up. They'll take they cue from him.

Isetan · 19/06/2015 10:02

I think you are being excluded and your partner is being lazy and disingenuous in his response, how the hell were you supposed to come to a surprise party you weren't invited to? Your partner doesn't appear to care about your exclusion or the hurt your exclusion has caused.

There is nothing you can do about it and I think continuing to expose yourself to their rejection will not help your anxieties. How would you really feel if you bf's parents didn't like or want to spend time in your company? Would you be able to accept it and is your bf in a cack handed way trying to avoid confrontation.

Talk to your bf and make it clear that lying and avoiding the subject doesn't make it go away and only serves to make the situation worse.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 19/06/2015 10:03

TBH it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't see you as a long term partner. You have only been together 2 years but already he has been a dickhead to you, he doesn't care that your not invited to things etc. I would just cut your losses and move on without him. Life is too short for all that drama.

popalot · 19/06/2015 10:07

Is your bf contributing to your household bills; rent, elec, gas, food?

It's important because it indicates how he views you and your relationship. He also might have form for it and his parents simply feel he isn't really in a serious relationship. That might be why they don't ask/haven't seen your dd. After 2 years a partner who lives with you is entering into step-dad territory and so your child should be included as part of the extended family.

Original poster

Lilypad15 · 19/06/2015 10:08

I will talk about it with him tonight I think. He knows I was pissed off about the party thing but he doesn't know how I feel about it in general. If he's not willing to stand up for me and speak to his parents and tell them to make a bit more effort then I don't know, maybe I should just cut my losses. I can probably live with not being liked by them but I don't think I can live with someone who thinks that it's okay for me to feel rejected and cast out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilypad15 · 19/06/2015 10:08

And he pays half of everything, rent, bills council tax etc

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 19/06/2015 10:09

You don't have a partner you have a boyfriend, who still isn't treating you with respect. Examples: not saying anything to his family when they didn't invite you to his birthday party and barely even apologising to you. Not noticing how rude his parents have been to you (eg never asking about your DD!) And many other things.

suggest you try to worry much less about whether or not the parents like you or regard you as a good gf in comparison with others, and more about why you are still with this boyfriend.

Isetan · 19/06/2015 10:11

It appears that appeasement and evasiveness are your bf's default solution and his continued lack of action will become very tiring. Start judging this man on what he does and not on his blah, blah, blah.

Original poster

Lilypad15 · 19/06/2015 10:12

Maybe you're right. Seeing as I don't see his parents that often I suppose that the impression of me they will get is mostly from my OH and it seems like he obviously isn't giving them an indication that this is anything serious or worth investing their time and energy in

OP posts:

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 19/06/2015 10:16

Sounds a lot like my relationship with my dp's parents, Only i have been with my oh for eight years,we've bought a house together and have ds and one on the way. His mum and I are cordial but she's very close with the other girlfriends going to lunch, calls and texts, lots of contact. I've been missed off invites to things, (brother in laws 21st most recent) turned out she assumed the brothers would have sent me a message or that I'd just be there with out proper invite (i turned into bit of a brat and refused to go because I hadn't been properly invited-Only to dp, his family thinks I couldn't get babysitter)
Anyway, she got pissed tipsy at a thing recently and told me actually im her favourite, because I'm not "needy" like the others, don't cause drama, and have my own family and life, she knows we are a happy family/couple and can relax and know we'll be fine!! I was gob smacked. Now we're back to being cordial when I see her (once a month) and leave dp & ds to do father-son visits without me

Alternatively you said you went through a rough patch with you bf, if he's told his parents/family about that (from his perspective)maybe they've judged you on what he's told them iyswim.

Isetan · 19/06/2015 10:20

I appear to have missed some of your posts, sorry Op but you're flogging a dead horse here. How long is flitting between you and his mum and dads going to continue? He is just not as mature as you and the current living situation contributes to his immaturity because he's still essentially living with mum and dad.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 19/06/2015 10:21

Has he been telling his parents about your relationship problems? It's probably the reason they don't like you. Also, its not uncommon for some men to view single mothers as a bit desperate which might be why he treats you so crap.

teatrailer · 19/06/2015 10:33

OP, you've had a few threads recently which give a clearer picture of things. His parents are just picking up on his attitude I think, you credit him with being a better person than he actually is.

By the way, the implant can badly affect some women's moods.

QuintShhhhhh · 19/06/2015 10:39

Look, I dont mean to be harsh. You are both still relatively young. He has probably had a string of girlfriends and his family dont see a point in investing time in you, because it would be emotionally draining to do so.

You dont live together. He crashes at yours a few nights a week because it is convenient for him to do so.

Where do you actually see this "relationship" heading?

Original poster

Lilypad15 · 19/06/2015 11:02

We don't live together at the moment because he works a fair while away and doesn't have a particularly well paid job and so can't afford to commute every day (public transport here wouldn't get him anywhere near to his work) he is currently looking for a job closer and has an interview in Saturday for one. I would prefer it if he lived here full time but it's not a huge issue atm as we have sat and discussed finances and it's just not viable right now. We will have been together two years in September and so I feel like it's not essential that we should be living together by now as 2 years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things. However he needs to know how I feel about how his parents treat me and he needs to know that the way he perceives our relationship rubs off on them and that is part of the problem. If he's not willing to man up and tell his parents he is serious about me and they need to start treating me as such then maybe it's time to call it a day.

OP posts:

QuintShhhhhh · 19/06/2015 11:12

He is showing you that he is not really committed.

If you have to TELL a man to not behave like a dick to you, the relationship is not worth having.

Charley50 · 19/06/2015 11:13

I'm a bit confused by your last post as you said he contributes half anyway. So not sure why it's not financially viable? Would his new job be closer to you or his parents. Presume you meant you, but not sure.

Charley50 · 19/06/2015 11:28

And apologies if I sound badgering! Just trying to multitask.

Duckdeamon · 19/06/2015 11:43

I don't think moving in with this man would be a good plan for you or your DD: it'd be a big risk given that during your relationship he has often behaved "like a dickhead" and still isn't currently treating you too well.

Anyway, moving in doesn't necessarily show commitment.

QuintShhhhhh · 19/06/2015 11:47

Op, why are you so desperate for this man?

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