The mask came off 3 months ago, stuck now, advice really appreciated

[N0Way0ut]

DP and I decided to move in together three months ago (together for a year before that)

All was great, getting on wonderfully, so in love (i thought)

Literally within a week of setting up home together i caught him messaging and phoning other women from a well known online dating site.

Looking back, the signs were there, pretty sure he was talking & texting another woman even on the night we moved in to the new house as he kept disappearing for long conversations until i finally snapped at him to give it a rest & help me finish unloading the removal van...at 1 in the morning.

Stupid old trusting, non interfering stupid cow that i am!

The most upsetting thing has been that, once caught he wasn't sorry/contrite/apologetic at all. Just told me to like it or lump it basically.

We are both tied in to a rental agreement for a minimum of 12 months and are therefore jointly & severally liable for rent & bills & upkeep of the house.

I had resigned myself to the fact that i'd just have to stick it out until the year is up but now i fear my mental health won't survive that long.

DP now seems to have no feelings whatsoever, just cold, calculated....well, evil is what i've come to call it now.

He has started briging women back to the house, sometimes for entire weekends, insists on sharing his relationship woes with me (unless i stay in my room or go out, he follows me around, talking at me constantly & no amount of telling him i don't want to hear it stops him)

His loud phone conversations with various women that often go on until 4 am keep me awake & if i've managed to fall asleep more often than not wake me up. All of the cleaning, gardening, arranging maintenance for the house etc falls to me, he pays his share of the rent & bills & that's where his contribution ends.

He refuses to lift a finger & if i dare pull him up on that i get a lecture on how much he does around the place, lists jobs he hasn't done & makes out i'm the one who never does anything.

I can't take this for another nine whole months, its destroying my mental health but, no matter how many options I think of I end up at a dead end & total spaghetti head.

Keep thinking about talking to my landlord & seeing if he would allow me to replace myself with a lodger instead but keep coming back to the fact that I signed a contract and the state of my relationship is not the Landlords concern, his only concern is that the rent is paid on time & the house & garden kept in a good state (quite rightly so, he's not a counselling service or a charity at the end of the day!)

Plus, i'm pretty sure that even if a lodger replacement was an option DP (suppose i ought to call him ex DP) would baulk at being asked to live wit a stranger and would make life even more awkward than he is now.

Has anyone experienced this sort of situation before (having to live with a total arse due to contractual obligations? Any tips on how to keep sane until escape IS possible?

Sorry if this all sound totally jumbled & disconnected, no one in RL to talk to & if I put too much detail down this will get really long & lift the lid completely on the box marked 'shitty stuff that is happening' where i've filed most of the emotions connected with this until I 'unpack' it in safety.

No, only potential sleaze a definite option for immediate escape Matilda. No matter how much i try to convince myself that option would be ok short term, my gut says no, more hassle lies that way for me & the cats.

Have just finished speaking to LL, he was very nice, said he understood my predicament but would really rather not mess about with ex DP left here & a Lodger, can get complicated with regards to deposits, referencing & general legalities apparently.

So, it's one out, both out early & carry on paying rent & LL expenses until new tenants are found. Which is fair enough & very generous from his point of view i think, considering we're not even halfway through the AST term yet.

From my stance its a fecking nightmare though, i can't imagine a scenario where i'd deliver the news that i'm going & ex is losing his home at the same time & me being able to get out safely then.

Whoever said he sounds like a psychopath (sorry, on phone, can't scroll) - i've done some googling in that direction of late & nearly come to that conclusion but dismissed it again. Seems i may be right after all.

i can't imagine a scenario where i'd deliver the news that i'm going & ex is losing his home at the same time & me being able to get out safely then.

Arrange everything in secret and move while he's at work or out with one of his women.

I think you're right to avoid the over-friendly friend. I would look for a very cheap houseshare on a temporary basis. If it widens your pool, consider having your cats fostered for a couple of months while you get back on your feet? I have broken a tenancy like this before due to a similar reason (although not so horrific as what this cunt's putting you through) and the landlord had a new tenant in place within 6 weeks, and it was not a particularly popular area. If the place is priced reasonably, they'll find someone.

Do you work in a fairly large place? Worth asking around "Does anyone have a spare room to rent for a short period" as often people have spare rooms and could do with a bit of cash but don't want to make a permanent commitment.

I didn't know temporary fostering was an option pocketsaviour, i'll definitely look into that, thanks.

That would be ideal in the short term, as its easy to find somewhere to stay as a single professional, add two animals into the mix and it tends to take a while.

'Good' to know i'm not the only one to have broken a contrac like this (well, not good, hope you know what i mean)

I'm a 'my word is my bond' sort of character normally, no surprise my life has been littered with the likes of 'DP' for the last few years i guess (weak) :)

Well done for talking to your landlord.

"it's one out, both out early & carry on paying rent & LL expenses until new tenants are found."

Is there a time limit on this? I wouldn't want to be paying rent without living there for month than a month or two, max. And what are "expenses"?

I do think you should make a quick call to the Citizens' Advice Bureau. Just to run it past someone impartial and see what they say.

As for the practicalities of moving out and telling your ex. Definitely don't tell him. Just pack and move out when he's away or out. Leave him a note explaining that you have notified the landlord and he needs to find somewhere else to live. He might want to stay there until the new tenants move in - and he would have the right to, since the two of you will still be paying rent. But yes I think you should just keep the letter as factual as possible. And then run like the wind!!

Should have been "for more than a month or two" - gah!

Good point AnotherEmma, without clarifying timescales & what 'expenses' really means it could mount up indefinitely. Was so relieved to have got the call in i forgot to think of the finer details, as ever :)

My head keeps going OMG!!!! & my gut keeps saying GO! GO! GO! Hope i can trust it this time, bearing in mind its the same one that three months ago said 'what a lovely guy you've found there, yes, definitely go ahead & move in with him'

Hindsight eh......

Maybe you could follow up on the phone conversation with a quick email? Something along the lines of "just writing to follow up on our
conversation. thank you for being so understanding. I'd just like to clarify a couple of points to make sure we're on the same page..." etc.
It's good to have the agreement in writing anyway. Just so it's clear on both sides, and you can prove the landlord agreed to you ending the contract early. You can even follow up conversations with an email summarising the agreed points - I do this at work sometimes. You're just covering your back. Even if they don't reply you at least have a written record of the conversation.

Oh and definitely trust your gut! I'm guessing he only really showed you his true colours after moving in with you, so don't beat yourself up too much for not realising before. But maybe look up the red flags so you know to be aware of them in future? When all this has blown over of course!

Yes, i like that follow up e-mail idea too, will do in the morning. Worn out again so off to sleep for me.

One of my cats fell out of my bedroom window tonight, i could hear the last straw breaking over the camels back then. She's not been happy here either, wonder if she's picking up on the atmosphere? The other one is fine though....who knows, just tired twaddle now, ignore :)

I have two cats too! Love 'em! I'm sure you'll find a happy new home for you and your fur babies
Goodnight, sleep well. I must go to bed too...

.....fallen cat seems ok, but under overnight observation for sprains etc by the way. I seem to have a habit of telling half a story & coming across as utterly callous myself......too many things not talked about, all stored up i think. Night, thanks for help today!

You're welcome! Hope your cat's ok, I'm sure he will be fine (they do have 9 lives after all!)

Get your ducks in order, find another place to move into, and please make sure to take photos of how the place looks at the point where you leave (you need to leave and not tell exP, I agree with everyone here) so you won't be on the hook for a trashed flat should exP decide to go nuts once he realises you have gone. Send the photos to the LL by email on the day you leave, within five minutes of closing the door behind you.

Or if you can get the LL to walk through with you as you are leaving, that would be even better and might possibly afford you some protection.

Definitely ring his son's mother and tell her the situation. In her shoes I would want to stop contact or request supervised contact if at all possible. CAB for yourself also a good idea. Also there'll be student houses free over the summer now/very soon so you might be able to at least get somewhere for the next few months.

I'm not sure that your LL can break the lease without your exDP agreement.

What gobby says is true. But it is a difficult situation. For the OPs safety I think she should move out before she or the landlord discusses it with the ex. But strictly speaking all three need to agree to end the tenancy agreement. I think after OP moves out the landlord should give him the option of staying by himself (if he wants to and can afford it) or finding somewhere else to live. It needs to be presented as his choice rather than landlord "evicting" him. But I think this is why CAB is a good idea. Maybe even women's aid, given that the man is abusive and will potentially become more so.

No, no - you don't need to stick it out or wait six months! I was in the same situation - we informed the estate agent, they re advertised the property straight away, said we will have to continue to live there and pay rent until they've found someone - they did within 4 weeks.

We also lost our deposit (4 weeks pay) for breaking up the lease.

So basically we were out of the flat within four weeks. It's horrible to live under the same roof when relationship is broken.

Sorry - ONE week's rent we lost, due to breaking the lease.

It doesn't matter if he can afford it, the OP could be liable if he decides to stay and stop paying rent.
I do think you should move out, OP, but be prepared for your ex being an idiot and not doing so.

If he stays and stops paying rent the landlord can evict him. If the landlord has given the OP permission to end the tenancy agreement (preferably confirmed by email so it's in writing) she won't be liable. The issue is that the landlord and/or OP will need to notify him in writing that after x date he will be solely responsible for the rent or he will need to vacate the property.

www.gov.uk/private-renting-tenancy-agreements/how-to-end-your-tenancy

See above. If you have a break clause - you can give 2 months notice after you have lived there 4 months - so max rent you will pay is 6 months. of course you can pay the rent but move out before.

Contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. It's what they're there for. Call at night if poss, lines busy during the day. They will give you advice, referrals, support. You need support.

When the dust has settled and you're safe, perhaps do some work on why you would put yourself at the bottom of the pile re not wanting to 'upset' the LL when you are going through hell on earth bcs of a psycho. Though I do appreciate how hard it is to see clearly when you're in the orbit of someone like this.

or get him on the roof under some pretence and push him off

Shelter also help with all housing problems eg legal advice and general support. You won't be the first to present with a situation like this.

Could you look into house or pet sitting OP? If you can find someone to take your cats. I think there are online agencies now.

As a landlord I may be a bit miffed in this situation but I would not expect anyone to live like this. It's just life as a landlord and you are being responsible not doing a flit.

OP, please get some legal advice as soon as you can. Most solicitors will give you a half hour for free.

I am sorry you are going through this.