The mask came off 3 months ago, stuck now, advice really appreciated

[N0Way0ut]

DP and I decided to move in together three months ago (together for a year before that)

All was great, getting on wonderfully, so in love (i thought)

Literally within a week of setting up home together i caught him messaging and phoning other women from a well known online dating site.

Looking back, the signs were there, pretty sure he was talking & texting another woman even on the night we moved in to the new house as he kept disappearing for long conversations until i finally snapped at him to give it a rest & help me finish unloading the removal van...at 1 in the morning.

Stupid old trusting, non interfering stupid cow that i am!

The most upsetting thing has been that, once caught he wasn't sorry/contrite/apologetic at all. Just told me to like it or lump it basically.

We are both tied in to a rental agreement for a minimum of 12 months and are therefore jointly & severally liable for rent & bills & upkeep of the house.

I had resigned myself to the fact that i'd just have to stick it out until the year is up but now i fear my mental health won't survive that long.

DP now seems to have no feelings whatsoever, just cold, calculated....well, evil is what i've come to call it now.

He has started briging women back to the house, sometimes for entire weekends, insists on sharing his relationship woes with me (unless i stay in my room or go out, he follows me around, talking at me constantly & no amount of telling him i don't want to hear it stops him)

His loud phone conversations with various women that often go on until 4 am keep me awake & if i've managed to fall asleep more often than not wake me up. All of the cleaning, gardening, arranging maintenance for the house etc falls to me, he pays his share of the rent & bills & that's where his contribution ends.

He refuses to lift a finger & if i dare pull him up on that i get a lecture on how much he does around the place, lists jobs he hasn't done & makes out i'm the one who never does anything.

I can't take this for another nine whole months, its destroying my mental health but, no matter how many options I think of I end up at a dead end & total spaghetti head.

Keep thinking about talking to my landlord & seeing if he would allow me to replace myself with a lodger instead but keep coming back to the fact that I signed a contract and the state of my relationship is not the Landlords concern, his only concern is that the rent is paid on time & the house & garden kept in a good state (quite rightly so, he's not a counselling service or a charity at the end of the day!)

Plus, i'm pretty sure that even if a lodger replacement was an option DP (suppose i ought to call him ex DP) would baulk at being asked to live wit a stranger and would make life even more awkward than he is now.

Has anyone experienced this sort of situation before (having to live with a total arse due to contractual obligations? Any tips on how to keep sane until escape IS possible?

Sorry if this all sound totally jumbled & disconnected, no one in RL to talk to & if I put too much detail down this will get really long & lift the lid completely on the box marked 'shitty stuff that is happening' where i've filed most of the emotions connected with this until I 'unpack' it in safety.

"The landlord is lovely, so I feel terrible for potentially messing up his life"

Sorry OP but this is ridiculous, you are hardly going to mess up his life! Tbh you're messing up your own life by staying. The worst it will be for your landlord is a minor inconvenience when it comes to finding new tenants. Honestly. If he is lovely then it will be absolutely fine. Ask if you can give a month's notice and be removed from the tenancy agreement. Your shit of a STBX can have a month to find a new housemate or move out. His fucking problem.

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work. Definitely red flags. Has he ever been aggressive or threatening towards you?

I have been in a similar situation to you OP (long time ago now). The relationship between myself and the person I was living with broke down completely and it was like he'd had a personality transplant. In my case, I did tell the landlord that I couldn't live there any more and he was very understanding. I sorted alternative accommodation and had lots of good friends come and help me shift my stuff. A lot of the bills were in his name, so I just left him to it with those, but things that were in joint names like the electricity, I phoned the company and explained I was no longer living there any more. I didn't tell him I was going, but unfortunately he found out a couple of days beforehand and went mental, throwing all my possessions in one room in a massive pile. Even held a butter knife to me (which made me laugh as it was so pathetic). I would just sod him and leave; you're not responsible for his mood swings and reactions.

Let you ex do his worst - may not be as bad as you think, seeing as he doesn't appear to form deep emotional attachments.
Talk to landlord as you like and respect him. He's human although a landlord . Good chance he may have an idea or at least could find someone to replace the both of you sooner rather than later to help out. Failing that, just go anyway, you will lose your deposit but small price to pay.

Good point Another Emma, re messing up my own life.

Aggressive & Threatening....well, he's always had aggression simmering underneath the surface if that makes any sense. Mainly attempts at controlling others (my behaviour) with arsey tone/staring/not talking though, nothing physical. Enough to give me the creeps nowadays and a ridiculous level of anxiety at times even though he wasn't doing anything in particular.

I'm not a complete spineless wall flower, used to pull him up on unacceptable tone etc straightaway & he'd go back to 'normal' like nothing happened within minutes. His main anger is saved for his son (4.5) who comes to stay eow - i know, drip drip drip.

I do diffuse the situations with lo as much as i can, reminding DP his child is 4, not 24. Totally unreasonable expectations placed on the child, if a drink or crumb of toast is spilled there's bellowing as if it was a deliberate act to annoy him, lo cries, i intervene, rinse & repeat.

Going to try & get some sleep or i'll not get up for work, thanks again for listening.

Are you sure he's not being an arse to you to make you move out? Would you be willing to take it on yourself and get another person in?

I'd agree with speaking to your landlord. Nothing to lose in sounding them out on the situation.

Oh dear, it sounds as if he is emotionally abusive. I do feel for his poor son. At least you can leave. The little boy has no control over his time with the man

Anyway sleep well OP.

He's horrible to a 4-year-old? Run away, run away!

You need legal advice, and please get it soon.

While you're at it, ask whoever you talk with about comebacks you may have in case (hopefully) exP arrives at your work or makes any threats against you. You may be able to get a m non molestation order.

And please call the mother of the poor little boy to tell her what is going on with her son every other weekend. She needs to know what is happening. You might even consider calling social services to report the abuse.

And please call the mother of the poor little boy to tell her what is going on with her son every other weekend. She needs to know what is happening. You might even consider calling social services to report the abuse

This

That poor little boy. Please try and let his mum and social services know how he is being treated

I'm a landlord. Shit happens, people split up, get new jobs, health problems. Do not stay just to make your landlords life easy. We deal with it.
As for the ex. Pack when he's out and leave. Then phone his sons mother and let her know what's going on.
Put a line under it and enjoy the rest of your life twunt free.

OP you need to act. You can't live like this. You did not sign the contract with blood!

Make a list of things and do them

1. Work out where you can go Find out if your name is on the tenancy. If it's not pack and go now!

1. If your name is on the tenancy, call the landlord and tell then your relationship has ended and ask to break the contract if they agree, pack and go.

3 If the landlord refuses, get legal advice (from Shelter

OMG op I cannot believe you have added that bit about his son almost as an after thought!

He reserves his anger for his little son? wtf????????

What the hell aren't you posting or DOING something about that????

For god's sake! I am gobsmacked there are people like you op who can live with an abusive man like this who scares you and your first thoughts are for yourself and not for a terrified and vulnerable little boy.

I am speechless.

DO SOMETHING NOW TO HELP HIM

OMG, that poor little boy!!!!!

Get the hell out of there, alert the boy's mother and tell social services about that piece of scum!

Accidental landlord here. I don't want people living in my house unhappily. I think people take better care of things they like. And while you are taking care of it he doesn't seem to be.

See about breaking the contract. Move out.

Call SS about the son.

Keep a diary of his angry moments- you can use them to support a restraining order request if he becomes abusive once you leave.

If one of my tenants came to me with this I would facilitate them getting out.

Believe me, I have tried where the lo is concerned. The mother knows, school know, educational psychologists are involved, I’ve seen report after report re his parenting and how it affects the child, assessments are on-going but still he has access.

I cannot go into further detail of steps I’ve taken for real fear it will out me.

Everyone in ex DP’s world is a liar, out to get him, he is incredibly skilled at discrediting everyone who crosses him.

Will get hold of Landlord over the weekend and have a chat to at least find out what my options are, thank you all for making me realise I don’t have to stay stuck.

So are you going to apologise to the OP now wotoodoo, you have pretty much accused her of aiding a child abuser.

Now you know she has taken several steps to help the lo, and many agencies are involved I assume you will now apologise once you have climbed off your high horse.

With over the top responses like yours its no wonder people dont ask for help or report their suspicions.

Well said Vodka.

OP best of luck talking to your landlord this weekend. Let us know how you get on.

Good luck with talking to the landlord and keep up on trying to help the little boy in whatever way you can.

When you are out and the dust has settled, maybe get some counselling for yourself, to see why your self-esteem is so low? It's probably because of the ex, but perhaps there is a prior reason, as you seem to have put yourself last in all this - behind the landlord etc.

Well, I don’t entirely blame the poster who reported me, I did throw in the child situation in a somewhat ‘oh, by the way’ manner with no further details as was late & I was tired.

The shouting was a bit much though I must admit.

Will update once I know more.

I've never written this before but he actually sounds like a psychopath. You must get out. Plenty of advice from landlords here, I'm one, too and as they have all said, stuff happens and our lives go on. If he's nice then happy days, he will be understanding.

I'm annoyed on your behalf at the child abuse comments, that wasn't why you came here for advice and you have clearly done your best. Just a thought, though, please tell the little boys mother and other statutory services that you are leaving because if he is left alone and angry his prisoner ( you) has escaped then he could be very nasty indeed. What a vile situation to be in. Do you really not have a friend (other than the potential sleeze) who could help you?

Get out and save your sanity. He's dangerous.

Can you record him shouting at his son for social services? Or at least give written transcripts written soon after the incident. Speak to your landlord asap you may find he is sympathetic.