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Original poster

Been told I am passive aggressive by DH.

48 replies

Croxlea · 17/06/2015 22:52

This afternoon my DH asked me why I had been so difficult for the last 3 years. He had a heart attack last year and implied that the cause of that was my fault as I was difficult. Also started saying that he had been away for three weeks working and the first weekend back I had arranged to see some school friends for a day. The first time ever I have had a day out on my own in 21 years of marriage. This was not fair and badly timed for him he also did not get a birthday card when he got back. Then told me I was passive aggressive as I will not talk to him about how I feel. I told him the reason I am pissed off is that he always turns everything into my fault. Whenever we talk about our relationship he says he Is not difficult to live with and i am the difficult one.

This is the person who calls me for coffee every hour and just says make me a coffee. Who gets up from the dinner table when he has finished his dinner and sods off into the living room when everyone else I still eating. Who thinks nothing of blowing £5000 on clothes every month but I had to take out a loan to get me by. Who had a heart attack and disappeared on a cruise for two weeks to get away from me.

I told him he just wanted a maid and a beck and call person not a wife.

Not sure what to do next it sounds really trivial when I see what other people go through but I just feel so tired and downtrodden.

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 17/06/2015 22:54

It doesn't sound at all trivial. It sounds really exhausting.

Is there anything about your life with him that is pleasant?

IDismyname · 17/06/2015 22:55

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this...

What are either of you getting out of the marriage?

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2015 22:58

He sounds very selfish. What on earth are you doing making him coffee every hour? If he says he can't make it himself due to having the heart attack, tell him a) he needs more exercise and b) coffee should be very limited.

Were you waiting until he came home to have a day out on your own? That's perfectly normal.

Why didn't you get him a birthday card? Does he always remember yours?

Why did he go on a cruise on his own? Who agreed to that?

How come you have to borrow money for clothes when he spends so much? Did you mean £5000??

mineofuselessinformation · 17/06/2015 23:01

Your last but one paragraph is the root of the problem.
Don't let him blame you for the way things are - what has he done to change things?

Joysmum · 17/06/2015 23:08

My marriage is an equal partnership, yours isn't. I think you deserve better.

PeppermintPasty · 17/06/2015 23:11

It doesn't sound trivial at all. Make him a coffee every hour? I'd be tempted to chuck the next one at him, cup and all.

Original poster
Croxlea · 17/06/2015 23:15

I am not really getting anything out of it anymore. He wears me down. He agreed to go on the cruise by himself. Yes he does spend £5000 a month on clothes and guess who irons them all. I work 5 days a week he earns 10 times what I earn.

Everything revolves around him because he is the big earner and is a workaholic. So what I do does not seem important although I run the house look after the dc's get up a 4am to do his airport runs when he goes away.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 17/06/2015 23:17

Heart attack,, you say? Insure him to the hilt and next time he tells you to make his coffee simply say no. The resultant shock to his system may have you going on a cruise after the formalities have been completed Grin

Seriously, honey, what you're going through isn't at all trivial - it's a form of water torture, a slow drip of poison boring into your mind and driving you mad in the mistaken belief that it's your fault - and his unreasonable behaviour is grounds for divorce.

I can't see any hope that he's going change his ways in this life and it's up to you to decide whether you want to spend the remainder of yours in this joyless marriage.

tallwivglasses · 18/06/2015 00:40

Listen to goddess, she speaks wise words. 21 years of this? Have you never even been tempted to put arsenic in his coffee before now?

BoxOfKittens · 18/06/2015 01:37

Oh it is awful when a person wants someone to blame for everything. If you have lived with that for 21 years , it must be getting old to say the least. It sounds like he is in denial about his behaviour as well if he fails to see how he is difficult to live with . It might take a shock to make him realise and consider changing. A shock like you putting yourself first and detaching from his behaviour as much as possible. Being unavailable when he needs his maid. It doesn't sound like you want to leave him, but you could maybe leave a little without actually going anywhere if you know what I mean..

Lweji · 18/06/2015 02:47

How did you feel when he was away?

FastWindow · 18/06/2015 02:55

Make him 12 coffees, line them up on the side with instructions on how to operate the microwave and fuck off out for your day out. For added jollity, set an alarm to go ping on the hour.

What a monumentally entitled twat you seem to have inherited. Are you familiar with his parents? Did they also let him think life is on a plate and everyone else is his slave?

Ironing - no. If he can afford five grand a month on clothes, he can afford the dry cleaning. Or if I were you... Straight on eBay.

Feign illness, leave work, get that insurance policy, any of the above suggestions... Arsenic sounded good.... (do i need to put in a disclaimer here?)

Any way you slice it, he is living the good life whilst leaving you far behind to pick up and make do. Question is how much longer you will take it.

I hear they are kind to the wife in divorce settlements, especially those who have been married so long.

Angry on your behalf.

FastWindow · 18/06/2015 02:57

Does he make you drag the dc on4am airport runs???

mommyof23kids · 18/06/2015 05:00

He drinks 12+ coffees a day, spends £60000 a year on clothes and you have never had a day out on your own in 21 years even though he works away frequently for weeks at a time?

Original poster
Croxlea · 18/06/2015 07:25

I love it when he is away I am not treading on eggshells. I know I am ready to leave it is just that final step. The most difficult thing is that we work for the same company it was ours until we sold it two years ago. I have always worked with him for the last 24 years so I am feeling a little scared. His father is exactly like him and I look at his parents who have been married for 60 years and think omg I can't do this any longer.

I do not have my parents any more or any immediate family so feeling a little lost at the moment.

I have reduced my overheads and getting my finances back on track. This he dislikes because I am becoming more independent.

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/06/2015 07:38

God please do not put up with this for even another year, let alone 60. I feel appalled that you are being treated as a servant in your own home.

Can you get a job elsewhere?

What would happen if you stop making him coffee, cooking him food and ironing his 5-grand-a-month wardrobe? Just stop. He thinks you're difficult to live with now - wait until you get started!

Charley50 · 18/06/2015 07:40

Your marriage sounds awful. I don't understand why you never go out, even when he's away. Do you not like to go out or is something about him preventing you from going out?

sofato5miles · 18/06/2015 07:41

What an abusive arsehole. Go and see a solicitor tomorrow. Especially in regards to the company ownership etc

Limer · 18/06/2015 07:47

What are you waiting for? Make that solicitor's appointment and get some advice. How old are the children? Do they also enjoy it when he's away?

Charley50 · 18/06/2015 07:50

Yes. I agree it's time to divorce. He's horrible.

Original poster
Croxlea · 18/06/2015 07:52

Children are 18 and 7 the older will be off to Uni in September, so it will just be me and the little one.

Yes the older one has a difficult relationship with his father he says to me that he loves him dearly but he thinks he's an arse a lot of the time.

OP posts:
NorahDentressangle · 18/06/2015 07:52

Yes, agree with sofa

Do you have evidence of how much time and work you have put into the business before you sold it as you need to make sure you get your share - get down to a solicitor now to find out about that.

My DH is a workaholic - I think everyone else suffers because of their need for martyrdom to the job. Also DH would be good fun when the business went well and pia if it didn't, which was unfair on the rest of us. Are things going badly for him now, or has he realized how he has wasted years of his life being a martyr to work and taking it out on you rather than admit he made a bad choice.

To be honest you would prob do him a favour if you divorce, it might make him see there's more to life.

Original poster
Croxlea · 18/06/2015 09:27

Business is not ours now it has been sold. He is a workaholic and the business is going well he is much worse when things are going well as he just spends money. That is what drives him. I am not driven by money I just want to be happy. We are way happier when we are struggling because there is a sense of struggling and achieving together. Now I just feel like a spare part and am only here just so he can achieve his goal.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/06/2015 09:37

Just an idle observation... most people would take a taxi to the airport if they were going away on business at 4 am. Can you tell me why he doesn't do that? Is that part of you being a servant to him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2015 09:41

If you want to be happy then you and your H need to be apart now.

You feel like a spare part because you are one to him. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

Were you surprised to see that his father is the same?. I am not.

Goodness alone knows what your eldest child in particular thinks of the two of you; this person likely wonders why on earth you have not left your H far earlier. What has that person learnt about relationships here?.