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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been told I am passive aggressive by DH.

48 replies

Croxlea · 17/06/2015 22:52

This afternoon my DH asked me why I had been so difficult for the last 3 years. He had a heart attack last year and implied that the cause of that was my fault as I was difficult. Also started saying that he had been away for three weeks working and the first weekend back I had arranged to see some school friends for a day. The first time ever I have had a day out on my own in 21 years of marriage. This was not fair and badly timed for him he also did not get a birthday card when he got back. Then told me I was passive aggressive as I will not talk to him about how I feel. I told him the reason I am pissed off is that he always turns everything into my fault. Whenever we talk about our relationship he says he Is not difficult to live with and i am the difficult one.

This is the person who calls me for coffee every hour and just says make me a coffee. Who gets up from the dinner table when he has finished his dinner and sods off into the living room when everyone else I still eating. Who thinks nothing of blowing £5000 on clothes every month but I had to take out a loan to get me by. Who had a heart attack and disappeared on a cruise for two weeks to get away from me.

I told him he just wanted a maid and a beck and call person not a wife.

Not sure what to do next it sounds really trivial when I see what other people go through but I just feel so tired and downtrodden.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 18/06/2015 10:00

Leave. Just leave.

You will be SO much happier away from this selfish man! And I am sure that you will be more than able to manage financially, too.

I am utterly that you've never had a day out with friends but that once in your entire marriage. You're not a wife. You're a live-in servant. And someone who spends £5k a month on clothes can afford a cleaner and a maid.

Original poster

Croxlea · 18/06/2015 10:38

He does not like to leave his car at the airport and I have just always done it. He sees this as my part of the partnership.

Maybe it is my fault and I should have been stronger but he does nothing in the house or garden or with the children apart from provide financial stability and I am becoming too old (51) to not have a happy home where we share things equally. I keep trying to tell him it is not always about the money.

I would rather be poor and happy than live in an unhappy home. My 7 DS asked if we could go and live in the country with animals like we used to and I said Daddy won't do that now and he said can you and I go on our own because we do not see him anyway. How sad is that.

OP posts:

PoppyBlossom · 18/06/2015 10:48

This isn't a partnership or a family.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2015 10:56

This is no partnership (that makes it also sound like a business). Its a dictatorship you're living under OP and you have no say.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar treatment of your mother from your dad?.

Re this comment:-
"I would rather be poor and happy than live in an unhappy home. My 7 DS asked if we could go and live in the country with animals like we used to and I said Daddy won't do that now and he said can you and I go on our own because we do not see him anyway. How sad is that"

Your 7 year old is very perceptive here; he can see this for what this really is as well. Be poorer and happier; anyway I do not think you will be as poor as you possibly think after such a long marriage.

mommyof23kids · 18/06/2015 11:08

I wouldn't leave. Chances are he's going to drop dead in the next few years. Workaholics who abuse stimulants don't live to old age.

Stop taking him to the airport...it will increase his stress levels.

Viagra is bad for the heart isn't it? Perhaps he needs to try it?

Original poster

Croxlea · 18/06/2015 11:10

I lived with my father and stepmother who had a fantastic shared partnership and they were very loving towards one another.

I think what happens is that I got ground down over the years and you just become a bit of a zombie and do anything for an easy life maybe that is passive aggressive. It was when my elder son came out to us as transgender and my OH has dismissed this as a phase and the younger DS is starting to act up at home that I realised we cannot live like this anymore.

They need time and help more than he does.

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 18/06/2015 11:15

"He sees this as my part of the partnership." And what does he contribute to the partnership? Put it this way I am sure you could provide financial stability (especially as you have been running your own business with him). Haven't you already been contributing to financial stability? So what does he specifically bring to the party to make your or children's life easier?

scallopsrgreat · 18/06/2015 11:17

Oh and of course you aren't being passive aggressive. He is projecting.

Lweji · 18/06/2015 11:31

They need time and help more than he does.

Yes, they do.

Miggsie · 18/06/2015 11:36

He wants you to do what he wants and have no mind of your own.
When you don't conform he punishes you.
You are not passive aggressive, he is a selfish controlling arse.

There is no partnership, there is him, and his servant/slave and some kids who are also in the house.

That's it.
Time to throw the towel in here.

OnlyLovers · 18/06/2015 11:41

he does spend £5000 a month on clothes and guess who irons them all
Stop ironing them.

calls me for coffee every hour and just says make me a coffee. Just say no.

get up a 4am to do his airport runs when he goes away. Don't.

He's a cunt. Sorry for the language but not for the sentiment.

mix56 · 18/06/2015 11:50

It sounds as though he has his income, & you have yours, & nothing is shared ? don't you have a joint bank account ?
If you don't, this is smells of financial control.
The fact that you basically aren't able to see your friends, smells of emotional control,
Just tell me he didn't like your family & friends, & you have slowly been cut off from them & the puzzle will all slot together.

Original poster

Croxlea · 18/06/2015 11:57

Add message | Report | Message poster scallopsrgreat Thu 18-Jun-15 11:15:59
"He sees this as my part of the partnership." And what does he contribute to the partnership? Put it this way I am sure you could provide financial stability (especially as you have been running your own business with him). Haven't you already been contributing to financial stability? So what does he specifically bring to the party to make your or children's life easier?

I think it is nearly all financial we have a nice house the children went to good schools, (he has two older DS from a previous relationship) who were mainly brought up by their mother ( who I have known from when they were tiny) I have had a lot of input into their lives as I get on with their mother extremely well and we have all had an input into their lives. Their mother and I on emotional levels but their father is a more about achievements. They are nothing like him in that respect one is driven by achieving well in his profession but not about money the other one could not care less about the trappings of wealth.

They both think I am a bloody saint for living with him. They all love him dearly but can see his failings which he cannot.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 18/06/2015 12:00

The first time ever I have had a day out on my own in 21 years of marriage.
He does nothing in the house or garden or with the children apart from provide financial stability

These are both shocking, OP, the first more so. God. He is an abuser. NOt trivial at all - it sounds like a horrible, horrible way to live. you're basically his slave1 He thinks he's bought you. :(

Original poster

Croxlea · 18/06/2015 12:23

We always used to have joint accounts but that changed about 5 years ago. I can go out for an evening with some girls in my road but I normally arrange that when he is away because if I do it when he is here he sulks.

He never liked my stepmother or younger sister and does not speak to them.

He did not like it when I changed my car by myself as he was not consulted although I pay for it. He now thinks I have a hidden a gender just because I did something spontaneous because I could.

Why oh why did I not see this before now.

OP posts:

mix56 · 18/06/2015 12:27

You have an emotional abusive relationship.

zass · 18/06/2015 12:37

Croxlea

He's a controlling twonk.

When is he due to be away next? Can you plan to use that time to get yourself some support to start looking at the changes you CAN make to yours and your DC's life and ltb. Like many others in your position it's taken a long time to get to this point, allow yourself a bit of time to work it all through.

shockthemonkey · 18/06/2015 12:41

"I got ground down over the years and you just become a bit of a zombie and do anything for an easy life maybe that is passive aggressive."

Your H needs to get his terminology straight. Doing anything for an easy life is not passive-aggressive.

Some of the details here are unbelievable. Especially the clothes budget -- what on earth is he buying? The rest is quite an extreme version of what we see on here only too often.

I hope you can find a way to get free xx

fairyfi · 20/06/2015 09:48

This is psychological and emotional abuse. Blaming you for his abusive twatish behaviour. Its also financial abuse.

He has abused you into a place where you are scared of him, have become his maid, and lost your self-esteeem.

He thinks his life difficulties are everyone else's responsibility to sort out, there's helping someone who's struggling but then there's this....!!!

Your are his personal slave from all that you say, and he probably expects a reasonable shag when he wants one too! shag off i say.

Noone 'expects' someone to get up at 4 am! especially with DC in the house.

Take care.. precautions i mean... he is already noticing that you have noticed things, that you are finding some independent resources within yourself, he will not like this, keep these new strong and independent urges for yourself and under wraps until you have your plan made. Make your enquiries and establish your legal position before you head for the hills, as it will likely invoke a rage that you dare to challenge his rights, and talk of plans together and future holidays and so on, and perhaps how worried about his health and needing to take care of him.. blah fucking blah

I wish you every strength to keep taking the steps you have started, keeping heading in that direction and tell the people you really trust. You are perfectly capable of building your own circle of trusted friends, you have supports here and although its a tough and lonelyplace to start, you did have a life before him that you can find yourself again

fairyfi · 20/06/2015 09:54

.. you will not be poor after such a lengthy marriage enslavement

your DC speaks the truth, show him solidarity and agree so he doesn't feel he's the only one that feels this way or he might start doubting himself.
You have obviously supported and protected him well for him to speak this way as he trusts you to speak this way of his father. This is no man you live with, he is a soulless male devoid of care for anyone except himself.

He is far superior to you... and there was you thinking you were in a partnership... mmmm... see how things have been changed by him that affect you over the years? What you are seeing is real.

I hope you are ok?

Lweji · 20/06/2015 09:57

Noone 'expects' someone to get up at 4 am!

No they don't. I have always taken cabs at those times.

Skiptonlass · 20/06/2015 10:30

if this was a novel, the protagonist would be taking out an obscenely large life insurance policy, then dissolving several pro plus caffeine pills (other brands are available) into each of those coffees.

He sounds like an absolute shit. Why on earth aren't you divorcing him?

tribpot · 20/06/2015 11:47

Just out of interest, the question was why couldn't he get a taxi to the airport. You replied he doesn't like to leave his car there. Have you ever actually said 'get a taxi'?

You and you children would be a lot happier without him. I still can't get over the 'make me a coffee' thing. Seriously, just don't do it. What the hell's he going to do about it?

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