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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you have a mix of both male and female friends?

41 replies

daffy2015 · 17/06/2015 20:58

Where to begin? I have recently had a new surge of life and been trying to make friends and remain in friendships to get a bit of life again.

I have friends of both male and female but for some reason I feel extremely guilty of having make friends as I know my H would see it maybe something more. I have one male friend from a place I work (not a work colleague) who will send very platonic texts (he is gay) just hows things etc but suddenly I feel like I am doing something wrong as I believe I know he would disapprove.

Last year he instantly believed a rumour I was having an affair with someone who was also a friend before even asking me and he went mad with both me and my mum who was trying to help me explain.

Is it normal to feel this way, im actually thinking of ending some of my friendships with the females also as they want me to go out and socialise again something he is not keen on.

Do you have mixtures of male/female friends?

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 17/06/2015 21:09

The fact that your husband doesn't want you to socialise with your female friends and "instantly believed" a rumour that you were having an affair is the matter that needs addressing, not the make up of your friendship group.

Original poster

daffy2015 · 17/06/2015 21:13

I know and that's why I now feel quite guilty about having friends, they are absolutely just that, friends, im such an anxious person I couldn't do anything like an affair.

I feel like I get a boost of confidence meeting new friends and learning their life stories as I have kind of spent the last 10 years going from day to day but then the guilt sets in. I know he wouldn't understand the friendships and nights out, he is quite old fashioned in that sense.

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 17/06/2015 21:20

I feel like I get a boost of confidence meeting new friends

I think this is the reason that your husband resents you having friends. It may suit him that you are anxious and easily emotionally blackmailed. Sorry.

Smorgasboard · 17/06/2015 21:25

It's not old fashioned to stop someone socialising, it's controlling and plain wrong

minkGrundy · 17/06/2015 21:27

This sounds more like it is about him being controlling. Sorry.

Snowberry86 · 17/06/2015 21:30

I have a mixture of male and female friends and to be honest my closest friends are the male ones. My DH has never made an issue of this as I have always had a good mixture of friends, and I would not allow him questioning my friendships.

Your DH sounds controlling and abusive. I would ditch him not the friends. Sorry.

Original poster

daffy2015 · 17/06/2015 21:36

Thanks for the replies, I wasn't sure if it was me or him, I have been basically all his thia last 10 years and never really bothered outside the home until I reached a certain age and thought I must start to live and enjoy life.
I did this and now it feels weird, I feel I am being dishonest and in a way I probably am but I am scared to admit I have male friends ( friends only!).

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 17/06/2015 22:18

oh daffy you poor thing its not you, its him. you shouldn't be made to feel guilty having friends whatever their gender. its healthy to have a good mix of both i think or whatever works for you.

you are not being dishonest at all, all good relationships are where you have interests outside your immediate partner not being joined at the hip (unless you both want that, genuinely). your h sounds jealous, possessive and as if his happiness/needs come before yours. so wrong in so many ways. you only have one life, live it for you and enjoy it.

minkGrundy · 17/06/2015 22:36

Unless you geel ot would be dangerous/frightening to do so I would be honest with your dp in a i have nothing to be guilty about kind of way.
I have male friends. I am totally open and honest about it because I have notjing at all to hide.

If I or my dp felt the need to hide such things i would worry.
And if my dp had an isdue with my friendships I would worry. Thete is not a single one of my male friends I would not introduce him to and they would all happily look him straight in the eye and shake his hand.
Likewise if my fp had friends he was cagey anout me meeting I might wonder why. Which isn't to say I expect his friends to be mine or vice versa. Just civil/acquaintanted.

If you are honest and he has a problem then you know its not you in the wrong, its him.

(Unless of course your guilt is because you do have feelings for male friend. But as you say he does not like female friends either this sets alarm bells ringing)

minkGrundy · 17/06/2015 22:37

Feel it..not geel ot.

viva100 · 18/06/2015 10:29

I have a mix of friends (maybe a bit more males than females but I'm closer to the women) and DH has never had a problem with it. And he has some close female friends that he's know for ages too. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Your DH sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. He doesn't like that you're happier and more confident. So he wants to put you down, to make you give up friendships, to isolate you. And he's succeeding. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for having friends. None.
You need to reconsider your relationship with this man.

Original poster

daffy2015 · 18/06/2015 14:56

I don't feel I can tell him that im happy having a mixture of friends as most of the time I don't feel I can be myself with him, im not 100% why I feel this way so cant really explain (not much help, I know).

Its the moods and silences and I tow the line as the moods etc make me very nervous, im naturally of that nature anyway so it makes things worse.

I have been invited to a quiz night on Sat where there will be a mix of friends, I want to g, mentioned this to H and its like his mood changed instantly, very quiet and distant, but he is fine again today I think. So im not sure to bite the bullet and do my own thing or just stay at home.

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 18/06/2015 15:00

This is definitely unhealthy daffy2015

He's restricting and controlling you. You know and feel this which is why you're walking on eggshells and doubting yourself.

I have a mix of female, male, straight, gay. There's not one of them that DH would bat an eyelid at if I said I was spending time with them. I even booked a twin room for a male friend and I when we were both invited to a wedding (DH wasn't invited).

chrome100 · 18/06/2015 15:47

I have a good mix, I'd say about 60/40 Female to Male friends. All my male friends are just that - friends. My DP knows them all and has no reason to feel jealous. If he did, I would be really pissed off.

hoobypickypicky · 18/06/2015 15:53

For god's sake don't lose your friends. If anything, draw them closer around you. You'll need them.

It's textbook controlling behaviour to drive a wedge between a woman and her friends and it almost always escalates. The silences and moods are to keep you in line and get you to "behave". This is ABUSE, pure and simple.

FWIW most of my friends are male. Their sex is irrelevant. They're my choice of company.

Original poster

daffy2015 · 18/06/2015 15:54

Yeah it seems to be the norm that people can go out and enjoy themselves with friends without wondering what is running through your partners mind.

Im constantly second guessing why he is moody/silent what I have done, is he thinking what ever. I just want to be able to relax and enjoy a life.

OP posts:

minkGrundy · 18/06/2015 17:39

The moody and ailent tjing is vontrolling behaviour. He knows that if he does this you will find it unpleasant enough to change your behaviour to avoid it. It is a form of conditioning/training you to conform

Does he do anything else? E.g. criticising, belittling, claiming you said/did things you didn't, destroying your property (acvidentalky on purpose) etc.?
Although the sulking is bad enough in itself because it clearly affects you.

Go to the pub quiz. Because there is no reason why you shouldn't. Go and enjoy yourself. Don't let him take control of you he is being unreasonable.

minkGrundy · 18/06/2015 17:40

The moody ailent tjing is vontrolling) silent thing is controlling sorry. Typos.

Atenco · 18/06/2015 19:43

Oh dear, you are in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't be surprised that he is the reason you gave up having friends ten years ago.

We all need friends and that is why he doesn't want you to have any in case you realise that life does not have to be so complicated as it is living with him.

Original poster

daffy2015 · 20/06/2015 09:46

Well I did it and although I had a fab time, I clock watched and checked my phone most of the night, left early to be home at 10ish.

I am now back on the silent treatment, hardly 2 words last night ad anything I asked was either met with a yes/no, not even as much did I enjoy myself.

Same this morning, nothing and now he is off to work. Not sure it was really worth it now :(

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 20/06/2015 09:58

It's living with him that's not worth it. Going out with friends should be a bit of fun, not a major battle.

I had one of those. After 25 years he still hadn't learned to trust me. So I had a bit of a breakdown and tried to cheat - failed on that, which I'm rather glad about - and then saw the light and left him.

minkGrundy · 20/06/2015 09:59

No no.no. it is not you having a life that is not worth it. It is jim that is not worth it. Having to.put up.with this shit is not worth it.

You only get one life. It is your life to live not his to control.

Ignore his sulking. Ignore it. He wants a reaction and he wants you to pander to him. He is an emormous manchild. Sulky and entitled. Why the fuck should he get to decide what you do??

Also observe your own reactions. You noted you were clock watching (I used to do this too). It is good that you are noticing theae things (instead of just normalising them).

I am afraid waking up to the realisation you are in an abusive rs is never a nice feeling. It is a lot to process but once you realise you cannot unrealise. You don't have to do anything just now. Just watch, observe and have a think about what he is doing. Have a think about what you want from life.

Keep your friends close. You are entitled to friends. And you will need them.

minkGrundy · 20/06/2015 09:59

And well done for going out!!

Original poster

daffy2015 · 20/06/2015 10:05

Thank you, I did have a cry in bed to myself last night as I know this isn't right and one of the ladies has spotted that I barely go to anything they ask me to and she asked me why this was so I made up some excuse, but I know they know1

Will see what like he is when he comes home. I was asked out for dinner tonight by my sister which I have decided against at the moment.

OP posts:

molyholy · 20/06/2015 10:08

Oh my word. Sorry, but you live with a controlling, emotionally abusive prick. If your partner is somebody who does not support you having friends or a life in general, he is not your partner, he is not looking out for your best interests. Good on you for going the quiz. You need to seriously have a word, or ltb.

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