Help getting head round response to this email from DM

[sunshineWales]

Just been sent the email below by my DM. Running through various responses in my head but so upset can't think coherently - some perspective and objective thoughts would be very welcome

For context:
I am a 40 year old professional who works full time, DGD (my DD) is 4 years old and lives with me and DH.

DB is 36 and lives alone in the town where DM and DDad also live (50 miles from me).

Fiona is my oldest / best childhood friend and also now lives in same town 50 miles away.

DM and DDad have recently been on a weeks holiday. DM and I usually have a good relationship. Despite living 50 miles away she looks after DD one day a week at her own request and DD is very close to her.

I don't even know where / if to start and at the moment am tempted to smile and nod as much as possible. But that doesn't help my own emotional response. . .

"I would like to have a chat when I'm round tomorrow and thought it would be better to give you time to think about things.
Firstly I did not ask you to message DB when I was away but I thought you would. I suspect he would never contact you unless things were very bad because he probably would not dare just as I don't phone you because I feel it is an imposition.
DB is a good person and you used to seem to like him. He obviously loves DGD like all of us do.
I love all of you and don't want to be an interfering mother but I would like people to be a bit closer.
It hurts that you come to X town with DGD to see Fiona but never look near any of us.
Some day I will die and I would be much happier to know that my family felt close to one another. I am writing this now because one day it will be too late.
Please don't reply just speak to me tomorrow when I see you."

Your DB is their child, not yours. If he's flaky, its not your responsibility. And I speak as a flake from a long line of flakes.
Parents can't force their children to 'pal out' together.
My brother and I rarely spoke. Then our mother died. We each did the right thing at the time, and now we are in closer contact. Instead of thinking 'When our parents die, we'll never see each other', I think 'When our dad dies, we'll keep in touch'.
Perhaps you'd better not reply "Mum, thanks, I've heard online it will all be ok when you're dead." But you see what I mean? What your mum wants doesn't have to be what you do - you don't have to obey her. But it might all turn out ok in the end.

The bit I don't get is why it's "mothering" for the op to keep an eye on her db?

Is it "mothering" to watch out for a friend, or a neighbour, or any other individual who needs a bit of support?

What's the point of families/close friends if you don't look out for each other?

OP, when my GFIL died, MIL rang us up and INSISTED that we went to a family funeral. For someone we had never met (we couldn't even work out how they were related to DP). In Canada.

We politely but firmly declined (and we did really have to be firm, she was very insistent).

She then insisted that we all went on a week-long family holiday together (we see them regularly in shorter bursts, this would be a disaster).

Of course it was the grief talking. I suspect that something similar is happening in this case, given the history. Your DP got scared about your DB while they were away and simply hoped that you would text and make sure he was OK. It's probably bound up with (unnecessary) feelings of guilt that they took a holiday in the first place.

I would tread a middle course here. See her, say that you're sorry you didn't text DB but you were just really busy. You do care, but you've had a hell of a week with the little ones. It's not that she's imposing at all when she rings - it's just that you can't always speak right that second. But you appreciate the chance to chat with her.

You're really grateful that she feels close to DD, and for the childcare. It's not that you don't want to see them, but that you're trying to maintain contact with old friends and family and that means you'll sometimes be going to their town without seeing them. Maybe suggest that DB is encouraged to make his own social circle a bit more - as having friends AND family is the most sustainable thing for him in the future.

'What's the point of families/close friends if you don't look out for each other?'

I guess it's the difference between what you want to do, and what you feel you should do. OP sounds like she feels backed into a corner by her mother's expectation that she looks out for her brother. OP should be able to decide her own level of involvement in her brother's life, not have it imposed upon her by her mother, as if she were still a child.

Everything that Hully has said.
It isn't mothering to look out for a sibling.
I didn't read anything into that email apart from worry.
I hope your talk with your mum goes well, OP.

There's some massive projection going on here, probably unsurprisingly.

OP, has your dm ever given you cause to believe she is emotionally manipulative? It sounds to me like someone who has huge hang ups about the fact that her son tried to kill himself.

Perhaps it would be better to stay calm, hear her out and give your own point of view.

Hully, no problem at all.

By the sounds of it DB IS doing well, and there is no cause for concern. I get that DM is scarred by the attempt, but it's HER feelings about it that she is projecting onto the OP. It's not fair on OP to have to take that on.

The comments in the email are not apologetic, they are accusatory and designed to manipulate and emotionally guilt trip the OP into feeling something she really doesn't need to feel.

DM is accusing OP of not caring/liking her DB any more. she's stating that she herself is wary of contacting OP as feels she'd be an intrusion. She's telling her off for not ALWAYS coming to see them, and the OP as expanded to detail that ONCE she's had a Grown Up day out with a friend. I doubt she hid it, as she had no perception of it being wrong of her.

DM understandably has sensitivity on this subject, but it's misplaced when DB is fine and OP knows he is.

A calm conversation needs to be had with DM, but taking the firm stance that DB is an adult and OP knew he was OK, and that if DM has concerns to raise them rather than assume people read minds. There is a dynamic at play here. we don't know the ins and outs of it all, but there is something at the root of all this. DM is blaming OP for doing nothing wrong at all.

I wonder who was the scapegoat growing up.

I think this thread goes to show how differently people think.

I think it's only natural for those with difficult relationships to assume the worst of the email, just as its natural for others who don't to see it as the mum needing to talk through her anxieties and seek reassurance.

Only the OP can gauge which is right but if it's the second senario, 'nipping in the bud' isn't right, but it would be for the first.

I wonder who was the scapegoat growing up

What??

Massive assumptions here. Seriously.

Hissy I do agree that you are really over-projecting here.

The OP has stated that she has a good, close relationship, not one where her mother tries to manipulate, blackmail, guilt trip or otherwise control her so perhaps it would be better to read the email in that context, rather than your own.

I think the reason why some of us are getting a bit worked up here is that it's a feminist issue.

Of course it's nice for siblings to look out for each other. But the OP's mum is telling her she should have contacted her DB, while specifically saying it's OK that he never contacts her! Shouldn't it be more of a two-way thing? Hence the use of 'mothering' - this isn't a normal sibling dynamic. I don't believe this would be happening if the sexes were reversed.

OP works full time and has a young DD. It's a busy time of life for her. She makes an effort to catch up with an old friend, and is told you come to X town to see Fiona but never look near any of us. How is that just worry / concern? OP's mum is trying to make her feel guilty!

I don't believe this would be happening if the sexes were reversed

You have absolutely no reason to think that!

I think there's a little bit of a danger this thread is getting overheated; there are several ways that letter could be interpreted.

OP I hope you can sort it out with your mother and reach a better understanding of each other.

HoldYerWhist you're right I have no proof in this case. But I do have a reason to think it, which is that women are generally expected to be carers in a family (eg daughters more likely to look after elderly parents).

I agree with Tumble, because I've seen it many times too, in my own family and others - the expectation that women will 'caretake', while men somehow don't have the same responsibility for maintaining contact and looking after everyone.

Agree also that we're all responding to this in light of our own experiences with our own families. Which is why different people seem to see the email so differently.

My parents did not try to get me to mother anyone so no projections here ! I see what hissy sees and it's not likely to be the first time this kind of message has been received by the op. In which case it may be difficult for her to feel that she has the right to decide what to do with her life. She is defending herself for spending a few hours with her friend. I hope your dh and friends will help you to live your life as you see fit. You only get 1 go around -unless you beleive in reicarnation.