Help getting head round response to this email from DM

[sunshineWales]

Just been sent the email below by my DM. Running through various responses in my head but so upset can't think coherently - some perspective and objective thoughts would be very welcome

For context:
I am a 40 year old professional who works full time, DGD (my DD) is 4 years old and lives with me and DH.

DB is 36 and lives alone in the town where DM and DDad also live (50 miles from me).

Fiona is my oldest / best childhood friend and also now lives in same town 50 miles away.

DM and DDad have recently been on a weeks holiday. DM and I usually have a good relationship. Despite living 50 miles away she looks after DD one day a week at her own request and DD is very close to her.

I don't even know where / if to start and at the moment am tempted to smile and nod as much as possible. But that doesn't help my own emotional response. . .

"I would like to have a chat when I'm round tomorrow and thought it would be better to give you time to think about things.
Firstly I did not ask you to message DB when I was away but I thought you would. I suspect he would never contact you unless things were very bad because he probably would not dare just as I don't phone you because I feel it is an imposition.
DB is a good person and you used to seem to like him. He obviously loves DGD like all of us do.
I love all of you and don't want to be an interfering mother but I would like people to be a bit closer.
It hurts that you come to X town with DGD to see Fiona but never look near any of us.
Some day I will die and I would be much happier to know that my family felt close to one another. I am writing this now because one day it will be too late.
Please don't reply just speak to me tomorrow when I see you."

It seems like a mean and manipulative email to me. The suggestion that they 'don't dare' contact you (wtf), and the fact she didn't tell you before she went on holiday that it would reassure her if you contacted your DB - she just expected you to know. My mother is similar - takes offence at me not doing something that I didn't know she was expecting. She's also a bit prone to dropping bombs in writing.

Parents can't control the relationship that grown up siblings have, and she needs to back off from that. Yes it would be lovely if we were all best mates with our siblings, but it doesn't always work like that.

Why would I step in to look after a happy 36 year old adult? I feel that DM maybe expects a mothering role from me for DB rather than a sibling relationship.

You would do it for your mother, to ease her anxiety. She probably expects you to understand how she feels as a mother about her child, even tho he is 36, as you too are a mother.

All of us need looking after and caring for by all sorts of others at different times irrespective of roles. She helps you, frankly, you should help her. Give and take makes the world go round.

TheWild They go away about 4 times a year and the number of times I'm in touch with DB while they are away is difficult to say as our contact is sporadic and tends to be if I see something which reminds me of an interest of his etc. I haven't consciously been "extra" in touch with him while they are away in the past 10 or so years as I haven't been anxious about him for any reason.

No, I don't think she calls him daily. He lives about 3 miles from them and he sees them 1 or 2 times a week plus possibly a text or two.

Hully My poor choice of words - I meant more that I hadn't seen (prior to todays reflections) what looking after is required rather than why.

Oh I see, it's a communication thing then, you and your mother need to have a lovely chat but who thinks what and why etc...we all have to have em sometimes.

It is all very well doing things for her mother to 'ease' her anxiety, but it might not be what the brother wants and may increase his.

If the mother was in text/email contact, then that was fine. If she was worried, she could have called op to check on him.

Maybe it is about time to encourage the DB to make more contact, or set him a time when he comes over, eg 1st Sunday of the month.

Seems like your dm views her dc very differently. You have become the scary, busy professional woman and db is a needy child for whom she holds responsibility. She can't help this and no doubt there have been a few things along the way to reinforce this. My dm has VERY different roles assigned to us, her four dc. ( she also guilt trips me about phone calls).

I suggest you make time for a cup of tea and bullet point her areas of concern and discuss them one by one. Some may be valid, others not. I don't think she sent this for no reason. She sounds genuinely upset whether that is really down to you or not. Perhaps she has got home to find db in a bad place? Do you sit down and have a proper chat each week after she babysits? If she would like you to call or message your db when she goes away that sounds an easy enough thing to do. Maybe he really cant do it himself. Some people really cannot do the contact thing yet do appreciate it from others.

As for the 'you came to town and didn't visit', , she IBVU.

Firstly I don't see why you shouldn't have a day out with your friend - you'd seen your mum the day before, for god's sake and you were having time away from your child and with your friend. You have every right to do that and in future I just wouldn't tell her.

As far as your brother's concerned, he would have been 20 at the time of his suicide attempt, then? That's very different from 35 but obviously your mum hasn't and will never recover from that shock. She could have resolved this by saying to you, "I always worry when I go away that DB won't be OK - would you do me a favour and ring him mid-week just to check?" You shouldn't have to parent your brother and I imagine he wouldn't want you to, either.

I would email back - "Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. I had a day out with my friend, that's all. I'd seen you the day before. DB doesn't ever call me or make an effort to see me but he seems fine whenever we meet. If you'd been particularly worried before you went away you should have let me know. I work hard and don't get much time away from DD. I had a lovely time with Fiona and as you know, I don't get to see her very often. Please don't make me feel I can't see my friend."

'I feel that DM maybe expects a mothering role from me for DB rather than a sibling relationship.'

It sounds very much like it to me. Your brother is not your responsibility. Your mother's happiness and peace of mind is not your responsibility. Daughters in families are often expected to be the 'fixers' who smooth things over and keep communication going, no matter how they feel. How involved in this you want to be is entirely a matter for you.

Trust your gut OP. Some people on this thread don't see a problem with your mum's email, others (me included) see it as a huge red flag, full of guilt trips and manipulation. We all have different relationships with our parents and different levels of tolerance for this sort of thing. I can completely understand why you're upset by it. No need at all to feel guilty about spending time with your friend, as much time as you want. Stand your ground - offer to be in touch as much as you want to, but dont' feel that you have to be guilt tripped into offering more.

What Hully said, really.

I could imagine doing the same if I was your DM.

I'm not very close to my brother. We are both close to our parents, who I expect would like us to be closer but don't try to force the issue. When DH and I got married, his parents wanted him to choose his brother (rather than his best mate) to be best man. They didn't seem to realise that they don't get on that well! It's up to you and your DB how often you see each other.

My mum is the same as yours in that she doesn't phone me (unless it's urgent), she waits for me to contact her as she seems to think I'm too busy! I don't think you should be offended by this - she's trying to be considerate.

Skim reading only - busy with DD. More later. Finding replies (of all view points) really helpful. Thanks all.

yes op, perhaps your mum wants you to take over the role of 'mother' when she is no longer around or able to do it. Would you be willing and or able to do this? Maybe this is the conversation that your mother wants?

I don't think there's much particularly wrong with the email - there's obviously a few errors in there that the OP has since explained further, that only seem to help the case that this is just a concerned mother who is looking for assurance of some description.

Think she was right to say not to discuss it via email too, a discussion best had in person.

Your DB is 36 years of age and well able to make contact. You are not his mother.

Your DM has no influence here in what DB does, or what you do. You know you visit her, but you do have a life outside of that too. You don't answer to a soul.

If your mother had DB playing on her mind (understandably) she should have spoken to you about it before going. it is utterly passive aggressive to guilt trip you into taking responsibility for a grown man, who has been well for a decade.

I'd be livid at the email..I know I have my own family issues, which will be triggered but a few things/barbs jumped out on me:

"I would like to have a chat when I'm round tomorrow and thought it would be better to give you time to think about things.

This is saying that you are supposed to be apologetic and be 'told' in advance of tomorrow

Firstly I did not ask you to message DB when I was away but I thought you would.
DM made an assumption, didn't talk to you about it and is now telling you off for it. You are not 12. You are a grown woman with a life of your own and if she wants to run something past you, she needs to say. You are not psychic

I suspect he would never contact you unless things were very bad because he probably would not dare just as I don't phone you because I feel it is an imposition.

WTF is she trying to say here? that you are aggressive, it's justification why she didn't inform you of her concerns AND that you aren't welcoming of her in your life

DB is a good person and you used to seem to like him. He obviously loves DGD like all of us do.
I love all of you and don't want to be an interfering mother ... but I will be anyway I would like people to be a bit closer.

It hurts that you come to X town with DGD to see Fiona but never look near any of us.
Some day I will die and I would be much happier to know that my family felt close to one another. I am writing this now because one day it will be too late.

^ all of the above is just plain old emotional blackmail. How dare she?!^

Please don't reply just speak to me tomorrow when I see you."

now she is telling you NOT to respond, but just allow yourself to be more brow beaten when she comes.

I think that's a bit mad, hissy

The sane and helpful approach is to listen calmly to your mother (with whom you presumably have a reasonable relationship) and ascertain her fears and concerns. It's very extreme all this talk of wanting you to be his carer etc, she just wants from you what you get from her: support and concern for the family. IMVHO.

The only response is Mother, don't make things up, don't assume, and don't manipulate me with tales of your demise. It's ridiculous.

You knew your DB was OK, and normal life goes on. Putting him in cotton wool, freaking out every times she goes away is not going to help anyone -LEAST OF ALL DB!

The fact is you mother is feeling guilty for having gone away - because of the suicide attempt - and transferring it on to you. This is HER issue to resolve. You can support her in this, but it's her issue.

the fact is that if DB did ever repeat that (despite NO indicators of any likelihood of this) it would not be her fault, nor yours. it would be completely the decision of DB.

I really think it's a good idea to listen to someone's concerns before counterattacking, hissy.

What will upping the ante achieve in the long run?

yes op, perhaps your mum wants you to take over the role of 'mother' when she is no longer around or able to do it. Would you be willing and or able to do this? Maybe this is the conversation that your mother wants?

Except her DB is (as far as I've been able to work out) a normal, self-sufficient 36-year-old man. What role of 'mother' is necessary? The DM having anxieties and feeling such a role is necessary doesn't make such a role necessary.

My mother trots out the "i'll die one day' crap whenever she wants people to do as she tells them.

DB needs to lead a normal life, that is the best way forward for him, not being molly coddled.

No it's not upping the ante, it's nipping it in the bud. It's ridiculous to lay all this guilt on the OP in such a PA manner as this email.

DM should have said she was concerned. OP is not a mind reader.

DB needs to lead a normal life, that is the best way forward for him, not being molly coddled.

Yes, he should just buck himself up. If only life were that simple, how marvellous it would be.

hissy, I think we are all reading the email differently.

We shall have to agree to differ.

I always think it best to take a long view and act in the light of what one wishes to achieve.

Listen to your mum's concerns - yes
Expect you to take a mothering role towards your DB and make you feel guilty for not doing so - no