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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband hates me

63 replies

Cally34 · 16/06/2015 21:58

Hi
I'm feeling really sad and just wanted to chat to someone.
My husband is being really difficult. I think he's depressed but there's no way he'd admit that. Everything is apparently my fault, lack of a job, him having no career or money, no friends etc.
I have always tried to support him in all his ventures but he accuses me of not helping him.
We three three kids and he agreed to be a stay at home dad while I work full time.
He expects so much of me. To work, care for kids when I get home and on days off, housework and cooking. I never get time to myself. Made to feel guilty.
He constantly puts me down. I've gained a little weight (I'm 10 stone) since baby three and he picks on it constantly saying I'm fat and ugly and he's ashamed to be seen with me.
I feel embarrassed to tell anyone I know about this awful marriage. I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
ArfurFoulkesayke · 16/06/2015 22:32

Not all men are like your husband.
It is him who has the problem.
You say your family aren't very supportive, but your husband is clearly not very supportive either.
You would feel a lot better without him constantly getting at you.
And you shouldn't feel embarrassed, he bloody should though!

Original poster
Cally34 · 16/06/2015 22:32

Would you call that domestic abuse?

OP posts:
zarzlee71 · 16/06/2015 22:35

Yes that is domestic abuse.

ArfurFoulkesayke · 16/06/2015 22:36

Yes, no question.

Original poster
Cally34 · 16/06/2015 22:39

I've tried to persuade myself it's not for so long because I dont want to be that kind of woman.
I hate my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cally34 · 16/06/2015 22:44

That didn't come out right. I find it hard to believe or accept that I could be a sufferer of domestic abuse. That I would be the kind of person to put up with it. It makes me feel ashamed of myself.
I am generally a calm person,but just so you know I do sometimes shout back.
I worry if all this will impact badly on my children.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 16/06/2015 22:48

But what is the alternative to putting up with it? It is not within your powers to make him treat you better; it is not even your responsibility.

You are not to blame for this (whatever he may say) and we do not think you are crazy.

BiscuitMillionaire · 16/06/2015 22:49

grabbing my throat, pulling my hair, slapping my face
He constantly puts me down
saying I'm fat and ugly and he's ashamed to be seen with me

Cally Sad
I think you need to tell him to leave. This is no way to live your precious life.

Original poster
Cally34 · 16/06/2015 22:53

Thank you for your advice and kind comments.
I know all of you are right and I think it's just a case of me being strong enough to end things. I hope I can.
It's made me feel better talking to other people. It's easier to get stuff in the open when you can't see someone.

OP posts:
Atenco · 16/06/2015 22:53

I find it hard to believe or accept that I could be a sufferer of domestic abuse. That I would be the kind of person to put up with it. It makes me feel ashamed of myself

Uuf, Cally, been there, bought the T-shirt. One has an idea about the type of person who lives with domestic violence until you find out you are one of them. The first time my ex hit me he was the one who got really upset and I believed him. When you stay after the first time, there definitely are more times.

But even if he didn't hit you, the situation is untenable. He is someone who does not accept responsability for his own choices and actions and that is a disaster.

It sounds like you have to start planning on how to leave him. You should probably phone Women's Aid. There are lots of brilliant women on mumsnet who have been in your situation and extricated themselves.

CharlotteCollins · 16/06/2015 22:54

Talk to a solicitor about the fact that he's a SAHD and has said he wants the DCs living with him. Hopefully it's just bluster, but best to know where you stand before making any moves.

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 16/06/2015 23:03

Wow serin that was really insightful...

cally I'm so sorry he treats you like this. It is abuse and you don't deserve any of it. How old are your kids?

Big hugsxx

Original poster
Cally34 · 16/06/2015 23:06

I don't think it is bluster and that's part of the reason I'm still here. I don't want to lose my kids.
He has a way of making himself the hero and me the villain. I end up with unpleasant tasks like bedtime when they want tp play or eating up their meals or tidy up time.
Sometimes he "jokes" with them about who they want to live with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cally34 · 16/06/2015 23:08

7,5, and 2

OP posts:
knickernicker · 16/06/2015 23:12

You need to see a solicitor. You need his abusive behaviour documented.

Janethegirl · 16/06/2015 23:14

My DH once grabbed me by the throat and I turned round and told him the next time I was calling 999 and then smacked him hard. He never did it again.

However Cally, I'd suggest contacting a solicitor or woman's aid for advice before you do anything. Information gives you power.

And please report any domestic violence to the police so you have it on file before it comes to any court issues.

CharlotteCollins · 16/06/2015 23:16

And you can also report the violence to the police on 101 (I think) even if it wasn't recent. That will help when decisions about the children are made.

CharlotteCollins · 16/06/2015 23:18

X post

Original poster
Cally34 · 16/06/2015 23:18

Thanks guys. I'll definitely consider a solicitor. As I said earlier, things are getting steadily worse.
I have to log off now. I have a very early start tomorrow.
Goodnight all x

OP posts:
NotJustaPotforSoup · 16/06/2015 23:20

Oh, Cally. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

I think you might need to get your ducks in a row. Don't tell him anything, but make sure you know where all the important financial docs are and see if you can keep copies elsewhere. Women's aid can give you more advice.

If you're doing everything in the home, despite working too, but he is at home, then you are in a bit of a cleft stick. Can you keep a diary of all you do, with dates? Maybe at work?

You need to get you and the kids out of this situation. It's not good for any of you.

wigglylines · 16/06/2015 23:21

Yes that is domestic violence. I'd suggest talking to Women's Aid, they're really good. It can be hard to get through to them but if you leave a message they will get back to you. You can tell them which times are safe to phone too.

wigglylines · 16/06/2015 23:21

You need to be careful about who is the primary carer of the kids before you leave him.

I don't have any experience of this, but I have read on mumsnet that sometimes fathers to get residency if they have been SAHP while the mother is working full time.

How often this happens in reality I have no idea, but something to talk over with Women's Aid and/or a solicitor.

Hopefully someone who knows more about it will come along soon.

knickernicker · 16/06/2015 23:32

This is why abusive behaviour has to be documented. He can't have custody if he's abusive.

Atenco · 17/06/2015 02:01

This is why abusive behaviour has to be documented. He can't have custody if he's abusive

This

Vivacia · 17/06/2015 06:22

My DH once grabbed me by the throat and I turned round and told him the next time I was calling 999 and then smacked him hard. He never did it again.

I'm not sure what point you're making here.