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Original poster

how do i help her feel beautiful?

63 replies

justchillman · 16/06/2015 16:30

i have have been trying to decide which topic i should post this. as i a seeking the advice of mums and relationships i guessed this is the right place place. sorry if i got it wrong.

anyway, where to begin?

we have been together for 7 years and have 2 children. i love them more than anything. the problem is she has never felt attractive no matter what i say or do, and since the birth of our lastest child this has gotten worse. i can see it in here eyes. just to make this a bit more complicated, i suffer from serveral mental illnesses, one of the being an inability to feel any real emtion towards anything/anyone. i am seeking help for this but it is a long process. ontop of that i also have the problem of not liking being touched. holding hands for a few minutes is ok but much more and i start to get irritated. the only time it isnt a issue was sunggle times (typical man right). another part of the problem is i often retreat to my pc when my issues get really badwhich can mean hours or even days of me doing nothing but sleeping and playing games. i know this isnt right but i am trying my best to change my ways. iit is just taking time.

anyway back to my point. how do i help her to see that she is (to me anyway) the most beautiful and wounderful woman in the world? she is so amazing. she has stood by me throught thick and thin. taken all the rubbish that has been thrown at her in her stride. she is always putting herself down. saying she is fat and not very attractive. to me it just cant understand why she would think that.

sorry if this makes no sense.

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 16/06/2015 17:30

Oh, bless you. you think that you peeping at her will turn her on? it might, in a men's mag world. It might if she were confident and ready to play that game. But at any other time, its an intrusion. Imagine living with a Peeping Tom.

You're getting help.
You're trying to do more in the house.
Those things will help.

Tell her how much you value her as a person. Don't focus on her body.

Original poster
justchillman · 16/06/2015 17:36

Does the touching always have to be on your terms? I can see why that wouldn't help with her self esteem issues if she feels like you can touch her whenever you want but it doesn't work the other way around.

not at all. when we got together i was aware of this problem and i made her aware of it. over the years i have become more comfortable with touching me. every once in a while it can (maybe once in a few months) it can catch me off guard

n your op, you say you can't feeling emotion towards anyone/anything. How can you sustain a meaningful relationship with your partner and your children if that is the case? This is fundamentally why you have problems, surely.

this what my therapist says. i do tend to agree with her. you maybe right but i just know i have deep connection with her and the children that cant be explaned by anything other that love

OP posts:
Offred · 16/06/2015 17:37

What do you do when you are on the computer?

Original poster
justchillman · 16/06/2015 17:38

Have you talked about this, and listened to how she likes to be touched and doesn't like to be touched? I mean, could you say now one way she likes and one way she doesn't?

do not under any condtion touch her feet.

she likes to have her hair brushed

Oh, bless you. you think that you peeping at her will turn her on?

i never once did it for that reason. not once

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 16/06/2015 17:39

Yes. I can see that you are trying, but missing the important stuff!

Knowing a man wants to fuck you isn't particularly flattering unless you're feeling confident. If you're not, then it's not a compliment because it's interpreted as "he wants a shag" and not "I'm beautiful".

Also what is it about her that you love? Not what she does for you. Not what she does for the children. What is it about her? You mentioned the seeing good in others, but that can't be it.

Branleuse · 16/06/2015 17:43

do you have Aspergers OP?

Original poster
justchillman · 16/06/2015 17:45

What do you do when you are on the computer?

alot of times i am just looking a stuff for the family. kids cloths, toys etc. find films for us to watch. and play some games

Also what is it about her that you love? Not what she does for you. Not what she does for the children. What is it about her? You mentioned the seeing good in others, but that can't be it.

she has a great sense of humor. a dirtier mind than me at times lol. we can have conversations that last for hours on end.

OP posts:
Original poster
justchillman · 16/06/2015 17:46

do you have Aspergers OP?

it was suspected but ruled out.

OP posts:
CatOfTheGreenGlades · 16/06/2015 17:47

I understand you're not well, but I can't tell you how upset I would be if you just slept and played games for days on end when we had DC and a house to run. That would make me deeply miserable and it would not make you think you loved me. Being looked at in the bath would then massively annoy me, because I would think oh he's got time to hang around ogling but he could be doing the dishes.

Could you start by apologising for not having pulled your weight and trying to agree on a fair share of chores (and then doing your utmost to do your half).

It's not "helping". It's your house and half of the work is your work.

LaBette001 · 16/06/2015 17:47

OP
I think that from a lot of what you have described you show a great deal of love and caring towards your partner, much more than many of the posters here are giving you credit for.
Sometimes my husband sneaks a look at me when I'm getting changed because he fancies me, rest assured that is within normal range of behaviour in a relationship. Although if you are staring you should stop.
I think that, as she has chosen to be on a long term relationship with you, and that you absolutely cannot help having mental health issues, or some of the behaviours you describe, you should try not to focus too much on that.
Maybe try to do new things together that get you out of the house and talking to eachother. Like a sandwich in the park together at the weekend, the local art gallery, the cinema.

Try to focus more on creating healthy positive experiences of you both together and less on what you can't / are not doing.

Good luck!

Offred · 16/06/2015 17:48

Do you look at porn?

LaBette001 · 16/06/2015 17:51

Oh yes and agree to no more than an hour on the computer a day- that will help her feel valued more.

Original poster
justchillman · 16/06/2015 17:53

Sometimes my husband sneaks a look at me when I'm getting changed because he fancies me, rest assured that is within normal range of behaviour in a relationship. Although if you are staring you should stop.

not staring. just a very quick glance.

Maybe try to do new things together that get you out of the house and talking to eachother. Like a sandwich in the park together at the weekend, the local art gallery, the cinema.

i try to take her out for breakfast atleast once a week. some times she just wants a mcd bacon roll some time a full fryup

Do you look at porn?

why?

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 16/06/2015 17:54

Sometimes my husband sneaks a look at me when I'm getting changed because he fancies me, rest assured that is within normal range of behaviour in a relationship.

Yes, but do you have low self esteem? Do you feel fat and ugly and all the things that go with it? Do you do the lions share of everything while your husband spends his days playing games on the computer? Does your husband not feel comfortable with physical contact unless he wants sex? Because if not, you're not really comparing like with like.

FolkGirl · 16/06/2015 18:00

Because if you spend your days looking at porn, she isn't going to feel beautiful or respected.

Offred · 16/06/2015 18:00

Because if you are unable to feel love and affection, she has low self esteem and your only interaction with women is basically ogling and not emotion that is definitely going to contribute to her self esteem issue. What exactly would make her feel she is any different to the porn women in terms of value to you if you just ogle and don't emotionally connect?

Original poster
justchillman · 16/06/2015 18:01

i would just like to say i amtaking everything everyone is saying on board. i hav asked her many times how she feels about my problems and she says that she understands that i have issues and glad i am seeking help. that being said i need to hear what you all have to say so that i can direct my energies in the right direction

OP posts:
Grammar · 16/06/2015 18:01

I'm surprised Asperger's has been ruled out...it sounds absolutely classic to me and I have a DD with it so know a bit about it (She is 18, we have lived with it that long).
I would revisit that OP.. it could explain a lot about you and how you express yourself and your need to retreat sometimes. BUT.. as someone said up thread ..your partner's low self esteem is not your responsibility, it is possibly just two aspects of two individuals that you both need to work on extra hard. These relationships can and do work but it cannot, unfortunately just rely on love, it needs you both to realise your challenges...that not one of you is responsible for the other's problems and a commitment to work it out probably with some professional help. Good Luck!

Offred · 16/06/2015 18:01

Well I guess apart from her value to you as a carer - but none of this is conveying that you value her as a person, more as a utility...

Offred · 16/06/2015 18:03

I think a relationship between someone who has issues with emotional and physical closeness and someone who has low self esteem is pretty doomed TBH. I can see you are trying but you can't change who you are and it's unlikely she'll be able to improve her self esteem while she is with you IMO.

crassula · 16/06/2015 18:04

The problem is that you are trying to reassure to her, when what she needs is confidence in herself, not contingent reassurance. And her confidence in herself has nothing to do with you (or anyone else.). She needs to find a way to find confidence in herself - not reassurance from someone else.

Offred · 16/06/2015 18:05

What you describe is one partner (you) who needs a carer rather than a partner and one partner (her) who lacks self esteem when her value to her partner stems from being a carer.

MatildaTheCat · 16/06/2015 18:10

IMO feeling loved and valued is more than just words, though these help, too. How often do you give her a complete break? Take the dc and let her do her thing? When did she last get her hair done or whatever? These things matter to the vast majority of women. She shouldn't have to wait forever or feel grateful for time to herself. Do you ever cook for her, get the kids to bed and tidy up? It sounds as if she quite often has to do everything so sometimes do the same for her.

Keep compliments focused, ie ' your hair looks great' ( after trip to hairdresser. 'The dc were really great this afternoon, you've done a brilliant job teaching them to play well'. Or whatever. Mentioning curves =fat to many women. Not a compliment I would be pleased with.

You sound as if you do want to make things better but it will take time. Be consistent. Tell her you love her every day but not every other sentence. Try to be healthy together if she really does need to lose weight. Be nice. Smile. Smile

Good luck

Original poster
justchillman · 16/06/2015 18:34

have let my Fiancée read everything in the thread so far, she has some comments. these are from her

1.i understand he did not mean fat he meant an hour glass shape.
2.the computer thing is the way he copes with his problems.
3.i like that he does sneak a peek, atleast i know he finds me attractive.
4.yes most of the time i do the house work because when he does it he makes a mess of it.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 16/06/2015 18:36

That's all right then.Hmm

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