Occasionally dysfunctional marriage - Help me understand! Bit Long.

[UsinedeGlue]

Morning,

I've often thought about posting this. For years. The difficulty is that I am not sure how to frame it, or indeed whats is relevant. Here goes -

Bit of background. I have been married for 16 years, three children under 14. I am a SAHD having resigned from a good job (merchant bank) to become a SAHD. DW has a demanding job. We moved from the UK some years ago and live in Europe.

DW had an affair. We wouldn't be together now were it not for a poster here (WhenWillIFeelNormal), sadly she seems to have left. The affair lasted 2 years or so and ended 5 years ago. I still think about it most days. I arranged relationship counselling which helped me greatly at the time but DW, it turns out, only pretended. Perhaps that's unfair, she went along with it for my sake but only for a couple of sessions. Later she simply said 'I don't do talking'. It's like the repair/recovery process was nothing to do with her.

There are times - be they hours, or several days, where DW & I barely talk. I'm afraid they're usually triggered by sexual frustration on my part, but they can also just creep up on us. I don't know what is going on in her mind during these periods but she makes no effort to discuss or question why there's an atmosphere, because by that time whatever triggered the awkwardness has probably gone. DW would either quietly get on with whatever she needs / wants to do, or be chirpy. We will only talk in short sentences about everyday things (kids, job, weather). Essentially anything except broach the subject and the bloody great elephant in the room. During these times I struggle. I resent her, actively dislike her, and just want to have a relationship where there is openness, fun, and mutual support if something is clearly not right. We have evolved into a position where these episodes are never discussed, and they fade away as we start to behave more healthily. I have learned that I am not very effective at communicating either, because I can be too candid, too 'solution focused'. I get frustrated. So now I know better. It's not a healthy situation.

Our sex life is awkward. DW generally doesn't have the confidence to initiate, I am (yet another) one of those that tries to initiate less and less for fear of rejection. DW could feel as randy as a goat but would lie in bed motionless. I have a higher libido than her so, yes, I do get very frustrated. I try not to make a big deal of it but I know I can become huffy or withdrawn occasionally. When it does happen it's fine or great, although the 'repertoire' is very limited, to the point that it is almost exactly the same each time. We both know we're incompatible in this way but we muddle along well enough.

So, there's some mess that could be addressed. We are fine and happy a lot of the time - is that enough? We are very lucky in many important ways. But these periods seem so damaging and the fact that I resent her during them worries me very much.

I think I should look to myself first - I have as many limitations as DW, they're just different ones. We can't change who we are so I guess I need to help in managing or understanding better.

I know this is all a bit vague, but any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks. I nice way to wrap up :)

OP I have a slightly different interpretation to the affair and aftermath than Napoleon

From what you have said, none of the usual communication in marriages that successfully navigate an affair has happened. Your wife just said she doesn't 'do talking'. This may be a method of stonewalling all discussion of it as much as a general approach to life, either way its protected her at your expense.

Generally couples who work through affairs talk openly and honestly through the whole thing. That is one of the necessities to rebuild trust. The cheater also has to agree to a long period of transparency.

In your case, none of this seems to have happened, you've both brushed it under the carpet, which is why you are still dwelling on it 5 years later, and why you still don't completely trust your wife.

It's entirely understandable that you're not 'over it', you've never been given the chance to process it properly, you've never had closure. You've implicitly agreed to your wife's terms of how it is to be dealt with and she has not acknowledged your needs. As you said she seems to think the 'repair/recovery process is nothing to do with her.'

Well it is, and without her input your marriage cannot be and is not repaired, you're both just pretending it is. As it's still bothering you now then you need to talk to your wife. Obviously, given your account of her, this is going to be difficult if not impossible. I think you need to make her understand that this is a basic requirement without which any relationship in which infidelity has occurred cannot go forward.

She needs to learn a bit of humility, if she fucked up to the extent she did (2 years is a long time, it wasn't just a fling), she has to own it, she doesn't get to call all the shots.

However where I agree with Napoleon is that in these kinds of cases, there are some questions that will never be answered.

twinkle thanks for the help. Here may be another area where I could have been clearer for the outset. It speaks to some of your comments. Have discovered the affair, I had no clue how to handle it. I got some amazing support and solid info from MN. One part of this was that DW meede to be completely transparent and honest about everything that happened, and as far as anyone can, why it happened. She did all of this, deposited the hurt and discomfort that process spews out. But she did it. I am fairly certain she didn't minimise (after inevitably trying to minimise).

Interestingly (?) only the other day she looked sad. I asked what was up & she said how much she hates herself for what happened and that she drives home everyday wondering how she can ever make it up to me. This is the first candid admission of her feelings on the matter, apart from the occasional "I'm so sorry" if we're watching a movie or something where an affair is portrayed. I ought to have taken that opportunity to say, 'since you mention it, there I something you can do...'. I can still do so, it's recent enough. It's what prompted me to start this thread actually.

Bloody typos & autocorrect.

Deposited = despite.

I'm starting to think much of this is my fault for accepting and believing DW reluctant to the point of inability to communicate feelings. Where as I could, perhaps more easily than I realise, just get on with it and talk to the woman.

Getting stuff written down clarifies things.