Morning,
I've often thought about posting this. For years. The difficulty is that I am not sure how to frame it, or indeed whats is relevant. Here goes -
Bit of background. I have been married for 16 years, three children under 14. I am a SAHD having resigned from a good job (merchant bank) to become a SAHD. DW has a demanding job. We moved from the UK some years ago and live in Europe.
DW had an affair. We wouldn't be together now were it not for a poster here (WhenWillIFeelNormal), sadly she seems to have left. The affair lasted 2 years or so and ended 5 years ago. I still think about it most days. I arranged relationship counselling which helped me greatly at the time but DW, it turns out, only pretended. Perhaps that's unfair, she went along with it for my sake but only for a couple of sessions. Later she simply said 'I don't do talking'. It's like the repair/recovery process was nothing to do with her.
There are times - be they hours, or several days, where DW & I barely talk. I'm afraid they're usually triggered by sexual frustration on my part, but they can also just creep up on us. I don't know what is going on in her mind during these periods but she makes no effort to discuss or question why there's an atmosphere, because by that time whatever triggered the awkwardness has probably gone. DW would either quietly get on with whatever she needs / wants to do, or be chirpy. We will only talk in short sentences about everyday things (kids, job, weather). Essentially anything except broach the subject and the bloody great elephant in the room. During these times I struggle. I resent her, actively dislike her, and just want to have a relationship where there is openness, fun, and mutual support if something is clearly not right. We have evolved into a position where these episodes are never discussed, and they fade away as we start to behave more healthily. I have learned that I am not very effective at communicating either, because I can be too candid, too 'solution focused'. I get frustrated. So now I know better. It's not a healthy situation.
Our sex life is awkward. DW generally doesn't have the confidence to initiate, I am (yet another) one of those that tries to initiate less and less for fear of rejection. DW could feel as randy as a goat but would lie in bed motionless. I have a higher libido than her so, yes, I do get very frustrated. I try not to make a big deal of it but I know I can become huffy or withdrawn occasionally. When it does happen it's fine or great, although the 'repertoire' is very limited, to the point that it is almost exactly the same each time. We both know we're incompatible in this way but we muddle along well enough.
So, there's some mess that could be addressed. We are fine and happy a lot of the time - is that enough? We are very lucky in many important ways. But these periods seem so damaging and the fact that I resent her during them worries me very much.
I think I should look to myself first - I have as many limitations as DW, they're just different ones. We can't change who we are so I guess I need to help in managing or understanding better.
I know this is all a bit vague, but any thoughts would be appreciated.