Painful Text From My 32 Year Old Daughter.

[ukusa1950]

I am a woman who was born and raised in Manchester, England who moved to the United States in 1978. Been married for 36 years. I have three children. A son 34, and two DD's age 33, and 20.

My oldest DD lives with her boyfriend roughly 200 miles away from us, and I know for a fact that it is a rocky relationship and has been for the past year and a half. She has had at least three broken long term relationships. Late last night I sent her a text asking if she had met up with my youngest DD at a concert she was supposed to attend with her in Atlanta (my youngest had arranged with her older sister to go together and had purchased tickets). She replied to my text that she had a botox appointment first thing in the morning and a meeting she had to attend so didn't go to the concert. I just replied with an "OK" and left it at that. I fully understood she had other more important things she had to do for work, and lifestyle, so didn't think any more of it. Three mins later I get another text from my oldest DD, and it says...."I FUCKING HATE YOU". I was instantly shocked and replied "why???". She then went on a rant about what a terrible mother I had been and that I was a crazy bitch who had ruined her life, and I was the main reason why all her relationships fail. She told me I was the main reason she never did normal things like chit chat on the phone like all her friends do with their mothers, and that she never wanted to speak to me ever again. She also said that I was the reason she could never have children because she believes that she is a crazy bitch like me, and would never do that to her kids. I replied that I was so sorry if I had ever hurt her or her feelings as a child, and to forgive me if I had. She told me to "stop typing" and to never contact her again. I showed her dad the text, and he thought that she was drunk and fighting with her boyfriend. I tried to call her but she didn't answer my call. I know that my daughter and her boyfriend drink whisky and they smoke. My husband and I have an occasional glass of red wine, do not smoke, and are basically boring. I cried for about an hour after this text, and finally fell asleep around 3 am. When I woke this morning I tried to call her again to see if she was ok, and she didn't answer. I also text her this message...."I can't stop thinking about your message to me last night and I would like us to get together to talk about what is bothering you. I truly love you, and want to discuss what is hurting you. Do you have any vacation time coming up that you could take off for a couple of days? We could go to the beach and try to reconnect as mother and daughter again. Please give me a chance...I can't stand to know you are hurting and would do anything to make it better." I didn't get a reply.

Can anyone relate to this or give me some advice on how to handle this situation? I am totally gutted and don't know how to deal with it. My other two children look up to me, and have never talked to me like that. I know I wasn't the perfect mother. I did shout at the kids a lot, and occasionally had to punished them. My husband was away with his job for weeks at a time, and I had no family close to relieve some of the stress. I kept active with the children. My son had baseball, and my eldest DD was a national baton twirling champion and trained 3 to 4 hours every night at the gym which I know was grueling work for her. I could see that she didn't like it, and I wanted her to quit, but my husband said that she had a great talent, and that if I let her quit she would forever be a quitter. She continued, and ended up with a full scholarship to college as their "Feature Twirler" for the band and I was proud of her achievements. However, I feel that she blames me for not letting her quit, and that she hated me for making her continue. What should I do?

Parents of adult children often have remarkably rose tinted view of their parenting of their children

Some do I'm sure. The thing is, very few parents deliberately harm their children. We blow it and we come to regret things, but at the time we thought we were doing the right thing and now we cannot turn back the clock and undo anything. Meanwhile the adult child stays infantilised by blaming their parents for everything that goes wrong in their lives.

Of course I am only talking about relatively normal families that make relatively normal mistakes.

Thanks again for the many different insights into why my daughter sent me that text. First off, we were not wealthy. I was a stay at home mom, and my husband made $20 an hour (marginally blue collar) at the time of her upbringing. The person who stated "wasting her life twirling a stupid baton" needs to rethink that remark. It is an olympic sport, and far from stupid. It also enabled my daughter to go to a four year top 10 SEC college for free. We didn't have the money to put any of our children through college, and this was an excellent way for her to get a very valuable education. No she didn't like it. But, what child knows what is ahead for them? This was a child that would sit on the couch forever if she could get away with it, and she would have hated just about anything that was repetitive. Her first year in college we received a notice from the bursars office that she had failed her freshman year. Concerned, we drove the nine hours to Texas to speak with both her and her college councilor only to discover from her sorority sisters that she was underage drinking nearly every night, and not attending classes during the mornings because she was too hungover to get out of bed. We did not punish her, or take away the Volvo we bought her, or stop putting money into her bank account for personal spending. But we did say that as long as she was underage, then she better straighten up and fly right! She saw her mistake, and caught up and graduated with her class on time. After college she was hired immediately by a large retail store as an assistant sales manager in their appliance dept. with a $35,000 yearly salary plus commissions. She lasted six weeks. Then packed her stuff in her Volvo, and left home to follow a rock band all over the country. We didn't like it, but there was nothing we could do to stop her, so it was, what it was, and she would call home occasionally for money and we always helped her out. Then one day we got a call from her in Colorado. She had had a big fight with her boyfriend, for crashing her car, and she wanted us to send her money to fly home. We bought the ticket and she came home. She stayed for about three months then got a job as a promo model and moved out. She was about 26 at the time, and she was doing her own thing and enjoying her freedom. Phone calls to us were scarce. She had a mobile phone, but we always called her, she rarely called us to talk about how things were going, so I guess that the estrangement from us started around that time. However, it didn't seem that she was in any way shape or form angry at us for anything in her past. She was happy, outgoing, and forthright about her current situation on the phone with us, and would come visit during Thanksgiving and Christmas. We never had a clue that anything was wrong. Then she met a guy in law school (Ian) he was the man she was going to marry, except Ian didn't have the same thought, and moved on after he graduated from law school two years later. About a year later she met Thomas. She told me that she was madly in love, and they moved in together. Thomas is from a family that pretty much owns the whole town were they live. They have several businesses, and dozens of rental homes. To say they are rich is putting it mild. She moved in with Thomas, and they have had this very volatile relationship for the past two years. Thomas is very possessive, and jealous. My daughter loves him, but shows him that she is an independent woman and he isn't happy about it. She took a position as a regional manager with a world renown company, and he hates that she leaves home everyday to go to work. I know that they argue, because she told me. I keep out of their relationship as I do not think it is any of my business, so I listen, but don't tell her what I would do. Each time she has sorted things out all by herself, and they are still together. That's why I DON'T understand the text she sent me. She has had a lot of opportunities to say she HATES me in the past as a teenager if she wanted to, but never did. But something must have just changed about me in her mind and I believe it has to do with her relationship with Thomas. I was not an abusive mother. She got spanked a couple of times. Once for cutting off her 3 year old sister's hair, and once for sneaking out after we had put her to bed when she was 13. Our mode of punishment was to withhold outings, TV, and special treats. To end this, I also discovered why she wasn't answering my calls or texts....She blocked me, so I guess that tells me she is serious, and I will not try to bother her again. I spoke again tonight with my DH about it, and he thinks she needs counseling, but she probably won't agree about that. Thank you again to all who answered me. I really appreciate it. You have no idea how much your words of advice have helped. I apologize regarding how long this message is, but I just wanted to give a little background for what it's worth.

Sil did this to mil. It lasted two years and they are fine again now.
Mil was devastated at the time - but dh and I knew sil was fine, as she was still speaking to us, so we could reassure her. As long as she hasn't cut off your other dd and ds, I would just go with it for a while.

Your other option is of course to just get in the car. It's only 200 miles. She may or may not see you, but mil tried it a few times and just waited around on sil' doorstep. that way you might be reassured she is ok, if mildly batshit currently.

I was thinking similar things to the poster who mentioned that she thought it was not fair to make your child spend 4 hours a night doing something she wanted to stop and other comments but I thought it might be too much to say over the internet. Your reaction to those comments, anger and denial suggests to me you are only on this forum to hear the comments that you want to hear and if you are doing this with your daughter then this is probably the route of your problems.

I think it is hard for UK parents to understand the cost of college education in the US as we moan about £27k of tuition fees

JK Rowling's speech at Harvard has been re-quoted so many times but here it is "there is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. The moment you are old enough to take the wheel the responsibility lies with you"

She got a free ride to college, debt free. That is incredible. It was given to her because of something she was talented at, and I am sure there are many parents out there who also pushed their children to keep at something and not quit.

As a child of a Dad who worked away a lot and a Mum who was overwhelmed with 3 kids I hated the fact that she didn't do the best she could, she heaped responsibility on us from a young age which I now look at with horror as my own children reach the same age. But I cannot blame her for anything I may have chosen to do with my life. I am in control of that part.

As adults we had a much better and closer relationship which I was glad of. Sadly she died 5 years ago.

I would agree with previous posters, but I would also make sure that text was sent from her and not her boyfriend, abusers force their victims to cut contact and isolate them. I would let her know that you are there for her but she has to be willing to contact you and you may be in for a wait.

1. Lots of unnecessary personal information in your post there.

1. You aren't showing much empathy towards your daughter, sorry.

I hate to be pedantic but baton twirling is not an Olympic sport.

But that's besides the point. I'd suggest you get MNHQ to delete your last post as it's quite identifying, and if I was your daughter I would not be happy that you'd shared so much personal information about me with strangers on an online forum.

From what you last said it sounds like there is a good chance that her partner might have something to do with this.

Is she still in contact with her siblings? Could you get them to contact her and find out if she is okay?

It doesn't really matter that the sport is not Olympic, it helped her gain a scholarship to college which is a fantastic achievement in the USA. You can't win as a parent, had the op allowed her dd to quit she would probably now be blamed for not pushing her enough to get a decent education.

Op, it must be very hurtful for you. I think your instincts about her current boyfriend bring a negative influence are probably right. Unfortunately there is little you can do about that. I think you should confide in your other dd and maybe she can keep the lines if communication opened with the family. Agree with your DH that dd1 probably needs therapy, but she needs to realise this herself, probably after hitting rock bottom. Just be there when she comes back to you.

It sounds like you failed to protect her from a controlling dad. FYI your current behaviour is called hoovering. Stop being so defensive, it's not helping you.

It sounds to me like she didn't actually want to go to college. It's not like she's used her degree - she's worked in a shop and been a promo model. In her place, I'd be pretty angry about the wasted time baton twirling too.

So perhaps she has a point.

But equally, and irrespective of whether and when you reconcile, stop bailing her out when she gets into trouble. She's a grown up and needs to be reaponsible for the consequences of her decisions.

I'm afraid OP, I think it is the influence of her abusive boyfriend.

My dd had a boyfriend who managed to make her break off with all her friends by stressing all the negative about each one, and we all have a negative side, to be sure. Isolation is part and parcel of abuse.

She must have been a very compliant child to practice an activity that she didn't like for four hours a night. I wasn't even able to get my dd to practice things she was passionate about on a regular basis. She was always very clear and stubborn about her rights. In a way it must be harder to raise a compliant child as the parents would have to set their own boundaries so as not to take advantage of their good nature.

About parenting. DD explained it to me when she was a child. Adults parent the way they wanted to be parented. Their child, however, is not them. S/he might well want to be parented differently.

A parent's place, therefore, is in the wrong.

Hello again. This may sound very harsh, but today I am starting to feel indifferent. Maybe it's self preservation, but the hate my daughter expressed for me awoke all the feelings I had kept inside for my own mother many years ago. My mother was a strict teacher, and she used the strap! I grew up in the 50's, things were different back then, and she had experienced and survived the war. My father was an ex paratrooper, and when he returned from the war my mum told my nana that he had changed from a loving, concerned husband into a stranger. I didn't see a lot of affection from either one of them, and grew up thinking it was normal until I met my husbands family and saw a different dynamic. I never told my mum how I felt. I let her go to her grave thinking she had done a good job. I would have never hurt her for the world. I understood it was hard on her working as a full time teacher, and taking care of three children and a home. I don't know how she did it.

So, I will not cut my daughter off. She has said her peace, and my job now is to deal with it. I only hope that the damage it has caused us can be fixed one day. She may no longer be my friend, but she will always be my dear daughter.

I can relate to your post from the daughter angle. My mother's always seen fit to criticise my sisters and I extremely heavily. She likes to play favourites. However, when I recently told her I found her behaviour hurtful, she denied all knowledge of the things I remembered, said I imagined it all. I didn't imagine any of it. She has said the same to my sisters when they've wanted to talk about damaging stuff from the past.

Like your daughter, I had a good (private) education, but was mostly interested in following my own path. I went off the rails for a bit. during that time they had nothing to do with me really. Got married to a posh bloke. Now she thinks I'm the mutts nuts. I am currently NC with her.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is don't present her with lists of her shortcomings and achievements. I say that because I feel your posts do come across as somewhat judgey towards your daughter.

*Sorry, posted too soon.

My mother also came from an abusive background, substitute strap for a leather belt. And it is abuse, if you did that to an adult, you'd be done for GBH! Would you consider counselling for yourself?

Keep the lines of communication open. A short email, letting your daughter know you're always there, and are willing to talk through why she's so upset.

The way it reads, you controlled your daughter and forced her into doing something she didn't want to do because you wanted her to go to university. If it mattered that much, perhaps you could have gotten a job instead of staying at home so your family had more financial choices instead of forcing your daughter to do something which made her unhappy.

She then rebelled when she got to college (who can be surprised?! A taste of freedom away from controlling parents, not surprised she made some poor decisions, sounds like you never let her make any decisions for herself)

And so when she finished college, she continued (in your eyes) to commit a series of wrongs by not living her life the way you wanted her too. Bet you've gone through her list of misdemeanours plenty of times too just to make her feel guilty.

Then she lands herself in an abusive and controlling relationship...hmmm...history repeating itself? Controlled by parents then controlled by partners? No coincidence there.

But you are probably going to say her childhood "wasn't that bad" because your mother used the strap and at least you never beat your kids. Just controlled them and made them miserable. Isn't that called emotional abuse?!

She probably does need counselling. And fwiw, it took me until my 30s to be honest about the shit childhood I had thanks to my parents who bullied and controlled my sister and I terribly. The reason I made a lot of shot choices was because I never felt safe, secure or deserving enough of anything other than abuse and crap. So although parents aren't always directly responsible for their children's failures (you didn't force her into any of those situations), they are responsible in as far as their poor parenting has failed to equip their children to deal with adulthood.

OP, you sound like a very loving mother. Your daughter sounds a wee bit spoiled and entitled to be honest, and I do think she probably needs to grow up a bit. You can't both rely on someone for constant bail-outs and criticize them for being too present in your life!

However, I am a bit concerned about the very slight hint of an eye-roll that I read in your post about her perceived wildness. It's normal for young adults to go out and get drunk at college, normal for them to want to stick a boring job where the sun doesn't shine and follow a rock band, and normal for them to fall madly in love and have their hearts broken. In some ways, I worry about kids who don't want to do those things!

Now if I'm right that you are a bit disapproving of some of these choices in the background, I can imagine that the 'OK' that you wrote in response to her saying she didn't attend the concert was read more as a disapproving 'OOOOOh-Kaaaaaaay' and not just as a bright-and-breezy 'okiedokie, speak soon I hope!' So I can sort of see how the misunderstanding might have started if that is the context to this relationship.

I am not sure that the 'crazy bitch' comment was all about the baton twirling, either. It sounds as though there may be other issues there too, possibly issues around control and boundaries (which may also explain why she was so eager to fly off the rails as fast as she could at college). And almost certainly some issues about self-worth.

I can also see how, if she is in a relationship with a jealous and controlling man as you describe in your follow-up post, these issues would loom very large in her life right now. I can see how she would see a pattern stretching from your controlling her as a child, through your disapproval as a young adult, to the issues she's currently experiencing in her relationship.

I am not accusing you of being a bad mother or a bad person. I am just saying that it could be possible that there is a dynamic here to do with her attitude towards control that is quite unhealthy, and that she is genuinely struggling. If that is the case, then I think the best thing would be to back off for a bit, but to make it clear that you are always there should she ever need help. And, if she does turn up, to try to love her as she is, and not to disapprove of her choices. Because she's far more likely to make sound decisions in a life partner if she feels a sense of self-worth and self-respect, and criticising her is unlikely to produce that.

Ooops, x-post with Everstrong!

Please acknowledge that if you were a SAHM then you were wealthy. It's really rare to be wealthy enough for that these days.

Mega annoying minutiae point, but very irritating.

Hi OP. What an upsetting situation.

I won't judge your parenting because a few lines on a forum isn't enough to go on for me, but you should get some of your post edited for giving out too much personal information on your daughter.

Could I also politely ask you to consider using more paragraphs for long posts? Perhaps I am just getting old and it is just me who finds it very hard to read and no one else finds this a problem.

I would also want to see if someone could check on her for you to make sure all is ok with her boyfriend, if possible.

All you can do right now is give her the space she needs

I won't judge your parenting because a few lines on a forum isn't enough to go on for me

This

I was relieved to received a collect call from my daughter today from her local county jail. She told me that she was arrested on a DUI charge while driving and texting.

She apologized to me about her hateful texts, explaining that she sent them while she was in a holding cell being processed for the offense. Apparently, she was very angry at me for texting her in the first place.

They took away her phone and she was only allowed one call per day which she made to her boyfriend who refused to bail her out, so she called me as a last resort due to embarrassment.

She is now out on bail, and goes in front of the judge Friday and will plead guilty to her case. The courts are not lenient with DUI's over here, but at least we are talking again.