Painful Text From My 32 Year Old Daughter.

[ukusa1950]

I am a woman who was born and raised in Manchester, England who moved to the United States in 1978. Been married for 36 years. I have three children. A son 34, and two DD's age 33, and 20.

My oldest DD lives with her boyfriend roughly 200 miles away from us, and I know for a fact that it is a rocky relationship and has been for the past year and a half. She has had at least three broken long term relationships. Late last night I sent her a text asking if she had met up with my youngest DD at a concert she was supposed to attend with her in Atlanta (my youngest had arranged with her older sister to go together and had purchased tickets). She replied to my text that she had a botox appointment first thing in the morning and a meeting she had to attend so didn't go to the concert. I just replied with an "OK" and left it at that. I fully understood she had other more important things she had to do for work, and lifestyle, so didn't think any more of it. Three mins later I get another text from my oldest DD, and it says...."I FUCKING HATE YOU". I was instantly shocked and replied "why???". She then went on a rant about what a terrible mother I had been and that I was a crazy bitch who had ruined her life, and I was the main reason why all her relationships fail. She told me I was the main reason she never did normal things like chit chat on the phone like all her friends do with their mothers, and that she never wanted to speak to me ever again. She also said that I was the reason she could never have children because she believes that she is a crazy bitch like me, and would never do that to her kids. I replied that I was so sorry if I had ever hurt her or her feelings as a child, and to forgive me if I had. She told me to "stop typing" and to never contact her again. I showed her dad the text, and he thought that she was drunk and fighting with her boyfriend. I tried to call her but she didn't answer my call. I know that my daughter and her boyfriend drink whisky and they smoke. My husband and I have an occasional glass of red wine, do not smoke, and are basically boring. I cried for about an hour after this text, and finally fell asleep around 3 am. When I woke this morning I tried to call her again to see if she was ok, and she didn't answer. I also text her this message...."I can't stop thinking about your message to me last night and I would like us to get together to talk about what is bothering you. I truly love you, and want to discuss what is hurting you. Do you have any vacation time coming up that you could take off for a couple of days? We could go to the beach and try to reconnect as mother and daughter again. Please give me a chance...I can't stand to know you are hurting and would do anything to make it better." I didn't get a reply.

Can anyone relate to this or give me some advice on how to handle this situation? I am totally gutted and don't know how to deal with it. My other two children look up to me, and have never talked to me like that. I know I wasn't the perfect mother. I did shout at the kids a lot, and occasionally had to punished them. My husband was away with his job for weeks at a time, and I had no family close to relieve some of the stress. I kept active with the children. My son had baseball, and my eldest DD was a national baton twirling champion and trained 3 to 4 hours every night at the gym which I know was grueling work for her. I could see that she didn't like it, and I wanted her to quit, but my husband said that she had a great talent, and that if I let her quit she would forever be a quitter. She continued, and ended up with a full scholarship to college as their "Feature Twirler" for the band and I was proud of her achievements. However, I feel that she blames me for not letting her quit, and that she hated me for making her continue. What should I do?

[NorahDentressangle]

I did this once - flew at someone verbally in a really spiteful rage.

It was because I wasn't up to what I was trying to do and blamed them in a nasty way because I couldn't face the humiliation of admitting I wasn't up to the job. The only option was to blame them. I was hiding anger and fear at the humiliation I would suffer if 'everyone' knew.

Never apologized and still feel bad 15 years later.

[Joysmum]

I'd never force my child to put hours everyday into something she didn't want to do.

Not only would that not make her happy, it'd take away her childhood opportunities to find out and do what she'd like to.

The sport may have paid for her college education but she's more than paid for it with the hours she put in.

After years of being controlled and forced to do something she didn't want to its no wonder when she broke free she went off the rails. Then as an adult she was so used to being controlled and little importance given to her wants and needs (remember you didn't know she'd gain a scholarship from this so that wasn't the motive) that she's fallen into another controlling relationship and that's normal for her.

It's no wonder the poor cow is in turmoil.

[NorahDentressangle]

My point (above) was that it was all about me and not to do with the person I lost it with which it sounds like in this case.

Joysmum - on the other hand to actually be good or even great at something is a wonderful thing in life imo. And she (and most DCs) won't achieve without support from DPs - look at the Olympic athletes, Andy Murray etc etc.

How can anyone know if they'd have been happier if things were different. I wish someone had supported, pushed and encouraged me as a child. I've achieved buggar all except some nice DCs.

[Joysmum]

norah it is indeed a wonderful thing to be good at something, but let me pick you an activity you'd have to devote hours a day to so you you couldn't do anything else you wanted to and let's see how resentful you'd become.

Me, I like horses. If I'd been forced to do that to be the best, rather than an enjoyable hobby, I'd have resented it and that's with something I enjoy as a pastime!

My job as a mother is to give my child as many experiences as I can to find out what and who SHE wants to be and to give her the skills to be a happy adult.

If I forced her into doing a sport she didn't want to so she had no hope of finding her own interests I'd have failed her.

[morage]

"The thing is, very few parents deliberately harm their children. We blow it and we come to regret things, but at the time we thought we were doing the right thing and now we cannot turn back the clock and undo anything. Meanwhile the adult child stays infantilised by blaming their parents for everything that goes wrong in their lives. "

Often what adult children want is simply for the parents to listen and acknowledge what actually happened. Instead some parents simply deny the truth.
Yes as an adult it is up to you what you do with your life, but of course the way you were parented has an influence.

[MurielWoods]

Oh for goodness sake!

So your daughter had to endure hours of baton twirling as a child and didn't have 'perfect' parents.

I understand that it may have felt less than ideal for her but that is NO excuse for her behaviour and treatment of you.

She is a grown woman now who needs to take full responsibility for her actions and present situation.

Instead she is behaving like a spoilt and toxic little brat. DUI????? I suppose that's the OP's fault too?

OP - I'm pleased that your DD has been in touch to apologise. It sounds as if she is determined to send her life into a downward spiral however and there is very little you can do about that apart from accept your role as 'scapegoat'.

I can't believe some of the criticism you have faced on here to be honest.

Some of those who have judged and criticised you may very well find themselves in your position one day too.

[printmeanicephoto]

Pocket - you just sound v harsh to someone who's quite clearly hurting and believes she did her best as a parent. Any parent would be reeling if their DD spoke to them like that, regardless of whether the DD has any legitimate gripe or not.

[shovetheholly]

Look, we are all projecting! We can't help it, really. All we have to go on is a few lines written on a forum. We can't possibly know the real complexities of this situation. Those who feel that they have been harshly judged as parents are likely to empathise with the OP; those who have struggled with the legacy of abusive and controlling parents may feel very differently.

I think the main thing seems to be: for whatever reason, the DD is in freefall in her behaviour and seems to be on the cusp of recognising this (sometimes a brush with the law will do that) and the OP seems to want to help in a constructive way. That, surely, is a good basis for them to move forward in a caring and kind way? The path ahead of them may be quite painful, and may involve recognising mistakes on both sides and making some difficult ife choices, but it sounds as though the willingness to do that is there on the OP's side. Even if she has made mistakes, her willingness to try to make amends sounds genuine to me.

It would be good to hear from anyone who has gone through a process of effective forgiveness and reconciliation with a parent/child. (I say this in full realisation that, in some cases, the shared experience is just too horrific for it to ever be possible).

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Am glad you now know the context that the text was written in and that she was angry with you for having previously texted her - perhaps part of what got her in trouble with the police as she was reading it whilst driving?

I'd just say that in what you've written about your dd there does seem to be an element of judgement about her various actions and relationships (understandable in view of your own upbringing and the relationship with your own DM) I see this in my own family too - I think it's a factor in many families as we want the best for our DC. However I think the future lies in moving towards a relationship of more un-conditional love and support. I also think our relationship with our DC is as important as that with our DH's/ DP's. Getting that balance right is another common problem in families

[springydaffs]

This has to be seen in a cultural context I think.we in blighty may not understand something like baton twirling but also a culture where an all-encompassing activity is the usual course for most young children as a gateway to a successful and productive future. Perhaps this is the US version of the Chinese Tiger Mom - and it is not unusual in many cultures, just not ours. Apart from the british upper-middle classes, perhaps. We like to think our culture is the best, the most enlightened, but that isn't necessarily the case eg a uniform cultural experience can be very healthy for young ppl, giving context, community, a sense of place - something british kids can flounder on if we're honest.

Op, I hope she comes to her senses...but ime a brush with the law made my daughter much worse - I hope it isnt the same for you and her. I hold out for a positive outcome eventually. The first post on your thread was a huge encouragement to me. There is nothing like the pain of a wayward child - intravenous pain ime - and unless you've experienced it I don't think ppl really get it. Ppl judge - they don't want to but they can't help it.

[Minndy]

Glad it seems more sorted now OP. I think you and your daughter need to talk though. You seem self aware enough to understand that she has some issues with her childhood and seems to be hurting. We have only heard your side (understandably) but your daughter may have a completely different view of her childhood and how it was for her. I hope that you can both talk it through and sort it out otherwise she could end up going no contact with you which Im sure you don't want. Good Luck.

[Atenco]

Those who feel that they have been harshly judged as parents are likely to empathise with the OP; those who have struggled with the legacy of abusive and controlling parents may feel very differently

I agree with 99% of your post, shovetheholly, just wanted to say that personally I don't fit into these two categories, but was someone who in my late teens, early twenties harshly judged my mother, because I wasn't perfect and if I wasn't perfect it must have been the fault of her parenting. I also have friends whose adult children have also got stuck in this, which doesn't permit them to grow. We all do things as parents that are children could recriminate us for but most of us think we are acting in the best interests of the child.