Sister issues.....again

[Letsgoroundagain1]

I have name changed, people "know" me on here.

My eldest sister lives abroad, she is visiting for a few weeks. She is extremely toxic and has done quite a number of things that are at best irrational and at worst vicious.

She is not good in drink, she becomes extremely hostile. At the weekend, we were away (five of us) staying in a hotel. We all had a fair amount to drink, but I was being careful, I know what she can be like.

Anyhow, she came to my room (everyone was in my room), and all was fine for a while, she then launched into a tirade of abuse, spanning years. I remained calm, asking her to leave, but she wouldn't. Eventually, she could not get me to argue, so she hit me.

Everyone went mad, pinned her down etc, I again asked her to leave, but she refused. Given this, I called a cab (we were in London but we don't live that far) and went home.

She brought up petty arguments from 10 plus years ago, she brought up arguments that had nothing to do with her even. She was shocking, everyone was telling her to be quiet etc.

Anyhow, the next morning she called and left a voicemail crying and apologising. I was massively exhausted and at a low ebb yesterday, so I did go and see her as she had asked. Her apology was "I am sorry I hit you yesterday", not "I'm sorry". I know this is her way of saying I wasn't wrong to come barging into your room and deciding that I am going to character assassinate you, in front of others and when I am drunk. I think it was all totally wrong.

I want to end our relationship, I am getting nothing from it but something in my head is still saying "she is your sister".

Do I have a conversation with her and ask why she is not sorry for the other stuff, not just the slap round the face? Or do I just quietly (as possible) withdraw from contact? I would like an explanation.

She has form for huge arguments when drunk, but not the hitting. She seems to hold a huge amount of hatred, which in some ways I feel sorry for her having that feeling.

Meerka, that is so damn spot on, why is she using the middle sister to deliver it? I had not even thought of that, she is involving everyone, it'll be well you know I tried......buy letsgoroundagain is that unreasonable she wouldn't forgive me THIS time, as my abuse only once turned violent.

Thanks Meerka, I'm sure once the letter is dealt with, I will start to feel better again.

she may well try to get everyone involved, yeah. But I bet the more perceptive will know exactly why you are going NC. They'll have seen how she is with you, how she's getting at you and character assassinating you and at the back of their minds I bet some of them are thinking "Oh god, I dont want that turned on me".

They may step back a bit and carry a few messages becuase they don't want her to have a go at them; but a lot of people are aware that venom that's directed at someone else can also be turned on them and so they prefer not to get involved. Like everyone standing around miserably while the school bully picks on a victim, not being happy about it but not daring intervene either.

As for her, who cares what she thinks? she's a bullying violent woman who is going to be unhappy that her victim is escaping.

Why does your ds need to deliver it ? What is wrong with the postal service? This is deliberate and dramatic by your sister - she wants your other sister to get involved and take sides - by agreeing to deliver she has inadvertently done this.

She will be bleating on to you ds that she just wants to apologise to you but although there may be some slant of an apology in the letter most of it will be abuse hidden within the apology.

Tell you sister not to get involved and not to deliver it to you. If she does deliver it - return it to ds unopened by post.

As I said upthread expect the attempts at contact (i.e. control) to increase as you cut your ties and she becomes aware and frustrated by it. In my case I did have to respond with simple texts "No thats not possible etc". Repeat repeat repeat.