Sister issues.....again

[Letsgoroundagain1]

I have name changed, people "know" me on here.

My eldest sister lives abroad, she is visiting for a few weeks. She is extremely toxic and has done quite a number of things that are at best irrational and at worst vicious.

She is not good in drink, she becomes extremely hostile. At the weekend, we were away (five of us) staying in a hotel. We all had a fair amount to drink, but I was being careful, I know what she can be like.

Anyhow, she came to my room (everyone was in my room), and all was fine for a while, she then launched into a tirade of abuse, spanning years. I remained calm, asking her to leave, but she wouldn't. Eventually, she could not get me to argue, so she hit me.

Everyone went mad, pinned her down etc, I again asked her to leave, but she refused. Given this, I called a cab (we were in London but we don't live that far) and went home.

She brought up petty arguments from 10 plus years ago, she brought up arguments that had nothing to do with her even. She was shocking, everyone was telling her to be quiet etc.

Anyhow, the next morning she called and left a voicemail crying and apologising. I was massively exhausted and at a low ebb yesterday, so I did go and see her as she had asked. Her apology was "I am sorry I hit you yesterday", not "I'm sorry". I know this is her way of saying I wasn't wrong to come barging into your room and deciding that I am going to character assassinate you, in front of others and when I am drunk. I think it was all totally wrong.

I want to end our relationship, I am getting nothing from it but something in my head is still saying "she is your sister".

Do I have a conversation with her and ask why she is not sorry for the other stuff, not just the slap round the face? Or do I just quietly (as possible) withdraw from contact? I would like an explanation.

She has form for huge arguments when drunk, but not the hitting. She seems to hold a huge amount of hatred, which in some ways I feel sorry for her having that feeling.

If your serious about going NC then it means not going to events she will be at. She is trying to divide and control you all and she may succeed with some of you.
The impact on a child when there is a seriously ill sibling in the family can be immense and life impacting, factor in the child abuse and you have one very damaged person. You can't change her and you are not to blame for her issues but you are the target for her anger.
Protect yourself and don't go to this event, it's just one afternoon in the rest of your life.

Interesting penfold, so do you think she holds anger over my being ill? I was around 16months old at the time it started, she would've been 10.5. She does go on about my illness a lot, given I did eventually make a full recovery. She often mentions it was the only time she saw dad cry, when a call came to say he needed to get to the hospital quickly, as they thought there was not much time left.

I do think the bringing up irrelevant historic arguments is a way to try and divide and split the other siblings.

I know I can't but I do want to ask her why? Just why?

She had an awful marriage to a fairly wealthy man, I remember though her finding out how much my OH earned and saying 'that's terrible wages'. Yeah maybe, we don't have tons but we do have happiness. Her marriage is long over and he was a serial adulterer, but I supported her through all that.

Yes I think she may have focused her anger at you and your illness. It's not fair or justified but she's not rational. She sees you happy in your relationship and life and she's jealous.

Hesterton, it's not the money, it's the principle, I choose and paid for a gift to another family member, I would like to see her enjoy that gift, which was always the plan. I suppose I am aggrieved that I know won't be part of the fun. It was a lovely gift and something I wanted to share.

I hear what you are saying about being strong with my actions, rather than making things ok.

Honestly though penfold, she has had many opportunities to talk about her feelings, we've been together often enough for her to do that.

I feel sorry for her, life has not been what she wanted, but then again that's not my fault.

My life is no bed of roses, I've had some tough times as well, but basically I am generally happy with my lot.

OP she isn't and may never be ready to face her demons but that's not your fault.
You've faced and dealt with life and its challenges in a different way.
Go and enjoy your event if you think you can

If you go, you might get another dramatic row. But if you decide to avoid her as much as you can and under no circumstances rise to the bait but keep calm and keep trying to move away, then that will be the best you can do. It -would- be nice to see the person get their present.

about your siblings - i think the best thing you can do is keep talking to them, and maybe even say 'look, i dont know why Elder Sis is being like this but Im worried it will kind of have a bad effect on us. I'd hate that to happen" That's the best you can do, good communication often stops the toxic effects of a difficult relative.

OP what did you do, go or stay away?

I recently went NC with a sister - she then went into overdrive in attempts to connect ... just saying this as you said 1st step taken - so be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better .... it was at least 3 months of twice weekly attempts at contact and meeting up by her -- including doorstepping (soon worked out her pattern and was subsequently always out at her usual ETA)....now she has finally given up == hurrah.....

I read this about bullying recently and it has really helped be understand the dynamics - however I am still too scared to confront:

"Recognise that criticism or personal remarks are not connected to your abilities. They reflect the bully's own weaknesses, and are meant to intimidate and control you. Stay calm, and don’t be tempted to explain your behaviour. Ask them to explain theirs."

I confirmed I wasn't going, then the event was cancelled to be rearranged when she returns home.

She's told our sister how she was ashamed of her actions and that she spoiled the weekend. This of course means nothing as she has not spoken to me! It's ME she verbally and physically attacked.

Sadly I am now irritated with other sister as I felt she was texting saying I should move on as she knows she did wrong. She's not grasping the seriousness of what happened and it's not the first, second or third time. She clearly doesn't like me.

Dead, that sentiment is brilliant! Thank you, her criticism was horrible to hear.

Don't let her bitterness and nastiness ruin your relationship with your other siblings

Your other sister has been recruited by her as a "flying monkey" - she is probably not aware that she is being manipulated. Other siblings just want peace and calm - dont be drawn into anything and reassure your other siblings that all is OK other wise they may feel the need to take sides.

You are doing the right thing -- being NC puts you out of "punching distance" you need to do this to emotionally protect yourself - and in your case physically as well. Dont make a drama out of the NC - as I said before it takes sometime for it to become the established norm....

You are right..she's stirring trouble! I'll be glad when she's gone back home.

Only a few more days, thank goodness. Then everything will settle down.

We were both on Facebook,I've blocked her so she can't access me through that. She's not emailed me for years so hopefully she won't have that either, she's not tech savvy. I have caller display on the phone. I think I have every avenue covered.

Ok,she goes back tomorrow! Now my other sibling tells me she has a letter from her for me! Can she drop it over....:we are out anyway. But do I just not read it or refuse to accept it?

I'd refuse it, you don't want to be sucked into communicating with her.

Just refuse - accepting and reading it will be a waste of physical, mental and emotional energy.

agreed, refuse it. Simply point blank.

"I don't want the letter. Don't give it to me. If it ends up here, it'll be torn up and go straight in the bin".

This is a difficult situation for your sister, she's kind of in between, but you have had physical violence from your oldest sister and years of emotionally tearing you down.

Enough.

Thanks all.....I will refuse!

However, if it's left through my door or in my house...do I post back unopened? Totally ignore.... I've decided no contact, is sending back unopened having contact?

This has set me back....an emotional letter will set me back more. I want no more contact.

I think the best thing to do is burn it. Then you cannot be tempted. Also if middle-sister says "what happened" you can tell her, and add pleasantly that all further letters / communications will be burned too.

As you clearly realise, the worst thing you could do is actually open it and read it.

Thanks meerka, your words are wise and appreciated! I'm two weeks on,I'm feeling stronger! X

I'd give it back so everyone knows you've not read it.

Giving it back is communicating. It's saying something, even if that something is only 'I refuse to hear you'.

I probably wouldn't be able to resist reading it so burning or shredding may be the way to go!

I've been thinking about this overnight, my middle sister will try and give me the letter. If I say "I don't want that" is that dragging her into it more?

I know I will be 'in the wrong' by not reacting to the letter, even though I will not have read it.

But I'm thinking that I should maybe just take it, not say a word to anyone about not reading it and just burn/shred it. I obviously won't know how I should react because I won't know the contents. It could of course be her saying, I never want contact you you again, you bring out the worst in me!

So, I think I just take the letter, burn/shred it and never mention it again?

It is slightly dragging her into it but I'm afraid that sometimes other people do get involved. She's only very peripheral anyway. She tried to give you the letter, you didn't accept it. It's a much less big deal to her than to you.

How about saying "I don't want it and I don't want her using you to deliver the mail, if she wants to send me a letter she can do so herself".

Because she's pressuring you by using your mutual sister to deliver this to you. It may very well be thoughtless of her rather than deliberate, but that's what is happening.

If you do take it from her, I suggest tearing it up in front of her to reinforce the message (tearing as burning it in front of someone else is a tad dramatic!). It'll make the situation clear. You can burn the bits later =)