Sex and relationship advice please

[theadventerousone]

Long time user - name changed for anonymity.

So DP and I have been together for 4 years now. He is a great partner, does loads around the house, respects me, is there for me emotionally and is my best friend.

However, things have been getting a bit stale in the bedroom as of late. We haven't been having sex that regularly because to be honest, it's very vanilla and I'm just not that turned on by a kiss, missionary and quick finish (he seems to be perfectly happy about this).

I have spoken to him about this before and told him that he needs to step up and put more effort into foreplay which, he has to a degree but he's always just ready to go and every time I need to stop him and explain that it's going to take a bit more if I'm to orgasm. I think he just gets over excited because sex now is maybe only once every two weeks.

I tried to sit and speak to him about what we can do to spice things up again. He is very uncomfortable from the start - he really doesn't like to speak about sex but he listened anyway.

I suggested that we use some sex toys which will help me get in the mood more and it will be more exciting for both of us. I still consider sex toys vanilla but I understand that anything more might be out of his comfort zone so baby steps and all that.

He told me that he wouldn't use anything like that on me ever because he feels it would objectify me and he would then loose respect for me! I said but even if I am asking you to use them, it's not objectification at all. I said that we could try if and if he didn't feel comfortable then we wouldn't do it again but it was a resolute no.
I likened it to liking different tv shows - I don't respect him less because he likes footy and he doesn't respect me less because I like garbage reality tv but he wouldn't see it. Said it's a whole other realm and he would never be comfortable with anything like that.

Now I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I do love him and I would never make him do anything he is uncomfortable with but the stance he has taken on it has really annoyed me. I wouldn't mind if he had tried it before and found it wasn't for him - that's fine but to say that he will loose respect for me if he sees me with a vibrator? That boggles the mind.

I still do fancy him and want to work this out but I really don't know. I'm not happy with our sex life for now so I defiantly won't be 5/10 years down the line.

I guess he's just really old fashioned in some ways but then quite progressive in others (women's rights etc.)

Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice?

I think he sounds very prudish and old-fashioned and therefore you have a man who is not very sexual. You don't sound very compatible.

My ex bf was a bit like this. His mum was an ardent feminist (not a criticism, I count myself as one) and I think he was influenced by her in a slightly exaggerated way to the point where any display of sexual desire beyond the most polite and reserved actions was insulting to me as a woman. I only realised this when I met dh who is much more ready to tell me my boobs look great or whatever. I don't especially like either extreme but it sounds as though your dp may just be trying too hard to be nice and respectful, for whatever reason. I don't agree with the Madonna/whore theory in this instance.

Has he always been like this? If so, I can't see it changing. I don't think I've been with anyone who did the roll on roll off for donkey's years. It's not that usual these days - most guys like to see you having some pleasure as it turns them on too.

Oh I tell a lie. But he was a virgin, and knew no better.

I don't see how ignoring someone's need for climax can be seen as an attempt to be respectful. I think the comment about losing respect in regards to having a vibrator is controlling. If it was left up to him the Op wouldn't climax during intercourse at all and on top of that she will be judged negatively if she uses a vibrator .

I really don't know if he's always been like this.

We have never ventured out of the realm of what is 'safe' so we've never had this convo or thought about this things as a couple before. I always knew he wasn't into porn at all due to the 'objectification' of people but never saw that as a red flag or thought it would go much deeper than just porn. I thought horses for courses at the time.

But did he used to take time/make the effort for you to have the same pleasure as him?

Ah sorry LoisPuddingLane, I misinterpreted.

Yeah he did, alot more at the start than he does now tbh. I think we could get that aspect back on track - I would have to hammer home the point but as I said before he is happy to oblige, I just have to give him a nudge.

But that's not what's really bothering me. It's what I would consider 'normal' and a bit of fun; he essentially considers dirty or 'devaluing' whatever the fuck that means.

• and that also he is not even willing to consider trying anything new. I wouldn't mind if he had used toys with previous partners and knew it wasn't for him, it's that he is so fixed in his opinion on it, that he won't even give it a go!

You could try sex counselling?

My dp would help with interview questions, but again, not for days on end. Last interview I had a crisis of confidence on what to wear so we went through my whole wardrobe finding the right thing.

Re the sex toys, maybe a mini bullet to start, rather than a vibrator - the latter can be a bit intimidating I think.

Yes, I can see that would be a problem. And there is absolutely nothing dirty or devaluing about introducing toys. Or anything else consensual.

He shouldn't need a nudge really, should he?

I think I came across a bit dramatic about the interview. It was two evenings after work but we did stay up late as we both work long hours as as a result were shattered the next few days.

We could try sex counselling yeah. It could be a waste of time if he is stonewalling me already. I don't think he realises the severity of the situation yet. I'm going to need to hammer that home.

And definitely now Lois, he should not need a nudge at all. I would like to think at this stage of a relationship, partners know what's up and how to please the other. He does know, he's lazy and very close minded!

I wish you well. It shocks me that a man who supports women's rights (or says he does) cannot see that this is an important issue in a partnership.

Surely the way forwards is that foreplay is the main event for you.

He needs to understand that your orgasm is every bit as important as his and that means you get to come first before he does.

You don't need toys for that although they help when technique is lacking.

Can you satisfy yourself through masturbation? If so you need to show him how to do it. You may not come every time to start off with but things should improve.

Having a few lessons nights will spice things up in themselves.

Thanks Lois, I'll let you know how it goes.

Yeah Joysmum, that's it. I am well capable of satisfying myself - although it does take quite a while manually; I think that's why I have vibrators in mind. I do know that it takes me quite a while and maybe I'm conscious of that.

I think I've just let this go on too long and now it's all come to a head and I feel a bit panicky now. I wouldn't consider myself to have a high sex drive at all but I'm not asking for swinging off the ceilings sex every night, just a bit of variety and honestly just to orgasm every now and again with him, not alone!

Op, i really dont think its the lack of variety or lack of sex aids or new positions thats the problem here. Your partner is basically a selfish lover. It really is perfectly possible to have hour long very vanilla and very satifying sex sessions. He just isnt interested, or doesnt see the need to do this with you. I think the vibrator is a red herring, I also dont think you should apply pressure for him to use it with you if he doesnt feel comfortable with that.

So he used to be enthusiastic about your pleasure, now not so much, although will when 'reminded'. He is open to considering a vibrator for his needs, but not for yours.

His sexual hangups have got him hemmed in and because of the Madonna/Whore thing it's now only about his pleasure, and minimum effort.

It's all on his terms. It doesn't sound very intimate.

I think in my head I would try to improve things, but not indefinitely. I hope you and he can sort it.

"So he used to be enthusiastic about your pleasure, now not so much, although will when 'reminded'"

Seems he knew/knows exactly what hes doing.

Hi everyone,

Just a quick update. So we got home yesterday evening and he actually broached the subject and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I did.

I explained that I was very upset by his words and actions over the past while and have really not been happy with our sex life. I explained that by him not wanting to 'objectify' me he was ironically objectifying me by using me as a means to an end for him and I wasn't getting anything out of it.

I'll admit I was ready for a fight, I had thought about how I felt and what I wanted to say on the commute home and felt ready. But he completely agreed with me! WTF!!

He thinks our sex life has taken a massive nose dive and was using the roll on, off as a way of keeping something, anything going but he wasn't enjoying it either. He realised how utterly idiotic he sounded when we had spoken previously. He has been having a crisis of confidence of late and it's really affected him and me bringing up sex toys etc dinted that more and caused him to get defensive.

I think I need to take some responsibility here as he felt as if I didn't fancy him any more and I'll be honest, I do have a tendency to come across as a bit cold sometimes.

He apologised profusely and after some reassurance about his masculinity on my part is now very up for new adventures as it were.

We still have a long way to go but I am feeling quite optimistic about the future. Hearing that he is not happy with how things are either was a massive relief and means we are both willing to work together to put things right. I understand we will never be 100% sexually compatible as he does have vanilla tastes and I don't but I'm just happy that he is willing to be more open minded and understands the importance of my satisfaction.

Thanks to all your mumsnetters for your thoughts and advice, it really helped me clarify what the problem actually was rather than just having a general rant.

Well that sounds promising. This sex business is so damn complicated, isn't it?

Thanks. I'm pretty happy with this outcome, it just gives me hope really. If this is a repeat pattern I'm out of here but it could just be a 4 year itch that needs ironing out. We we see!

Jeez Lois, it's not for the feint hearted! I would much rather work out the monthly spend on a speadsheet than go through this again

It's good that he actually broached the subject too. Onwards and upwards.

I recommend LoveHoney for good quality toys that are cost effective. They also have a satisfaction guarantee, and yes that means you can return a toy if it's not right for you. Well-washed, obviously

Op can I suggest that you look on the internet for some good old sex advise, or on mn.

It takes a woman forty yes Forty minutes of foeplsy to really be ready for piv orgasim, then only the first two inches are needed for some great times.

This is how woman are designed, a lot of men have no clue.

Lots and lots of touching and playing before piv is lovely, think of it as the tortoise and the hare....slowly slowly gets you to where you want to be

Good luck