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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Drunken comments

54 replies

daisygatsby · 15/06/2015 08:57

So at a 'do' over weekend. As usual h gets too drunk

We had been bickering as I was pissed off with his inability to go on a night out without getting plastered.

As we were going to bed out of blue he comes out with ' my mother was raped. So stick that up your feminist hole.'

I asked him in the am if it was true..no she wasn't but may have been molested..he doesn't know...

How would you feel about this ?

OP posts:

AllergyMums · 15/06/2015 09:50

I'd be very upset at being spoken to that way.

'stick that up your feminist hole' is really offensive IMO and I'd take it as very hostile.

Talking about a sexual assault that way is pretty vile - drunk or not.

Two issues I think - the drinking to excess and the hostility.

Pagwatch · 15/06/2015 09:50

I'd vote both.

He is a mouthy drunk tbh.

Hullygully · 15/06/2015 09:52

If he can't go out without getting plastered (ignores pot and kettle waving from the corner), then there are reasons/ishoos

The things he says as a result are also clearly ishoo-driven. Odd resentments about women I'd say, v v odd to say what he said and to use feminism as an insult.

Unless you and he argue all the time with you ranting on about men? In which case he might just be sick of it and feel attacked (fairly or otherwise) and perhaps you both need to recalibrate...

But that doesn't change the drunk stuff.

Hullygully · 15/06/2015 09:53

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2015 09:53

Christ, he sounds vile in every way.

Is the reason you don't have the money to go out together because he spends too much when he goes out?

TendonQueen · 15/06/2015 09:57

Issues with both! I don't think you should spend time unpicking this one comment when you could spend it on getting yourself out of this life with him. He sounds awful.

however · 15/06/2015 09:58

i think I'd pity the pathetic creep who used his mothers trauma to score points with me in an argument. And I'd tell him how pathetic he was. His response would dictate what I'd do next.

Original poster

daisygatsby · 15/06/2015 10:01

No - I don't rant at him at all. I'm not a man hating feminist..I just believe in equality !

I was just worried that I was making a big deal out of this..so thanks for helping me see that I'm not

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 15/06/2015 10:02

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2015 10:42

You did not answer my earlier questions. Is that really because you cannot give an answer?.

I would think he is both a drunkard and someone who hates women, all of them.

What lessons on relationships do you think you are both imparting to your children here?.

PoppyField · 15/06/2015 11:24

Oh dear daisy. It was an incredibly offensive thing to say. I suppose I would have a problem with anyone who has a problem with feminism, not only that but it seems to betray a wider, more insidious, hostility.

I am about to celebrate the fourth anniversary of splitting up from my XH. He always knew I was a firm, Guardian-reading feminist, bleeding heart liberal and proud of it. It was only has his respect for me diminished to nothing that he started to trash this part of me as if it was a) somehow a surprise to him b) something to justify his contempt.

Your DH is choosing to believe that feminism equals man-hating, obviously because that suits him. Presumably when sober he can see that this is not true. But it doesn't really matter what is true or not in this situation. I think your relationship has probably moved beyond political discussion.

I'm looking back now and thinking, if..., IF I ever got myself another partner... and that feels a long way away right now, he would have to be a feminist. I couldn't be with anyone who did not embrace feminism - just equal rights, that's all it is.

However, Feminism is not your problem here. You have probably interpreted it correctly as a signal of his lack of respect, or worse. That's the problem here. The decision for you is whether to put up with it (Um... why the hell should you?) or whether to make a stand and say you will not be spoken to like that, drunk or sober.

Sorry OP. Are your children small? Splitting up is a very hard prospect, and that may be way over the horizon, but I think you have to make it clear to your DH what is at stake for you.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2015 12:24

you are not a "man hating feminist" ?

watch out, you are starting to talk his language

I'd get out now before you have to justify having a "hoe" of any description

this man has a drinking problem and he hates women

why would you want to stay married to a prick like that ?

AnyFucker · 15/06/2015 12:25

hole

pocketsaviour · 15/06/2015 12:28

I would take that comment as being very aggressive. "Stick that up your feminist hole" is just really vile. And if he made it up then it's even worse. What the actual fuck?

Sounds like he also has a drink problem. This really isn't acceptable.

Original poster

daisygatsby · 15/06/2015 13:15

Can I just ask how you manage to get through a day at work when you have shit like this going on? I keep having to go off to the loos and cry.

Have been awake since 430 after seeing to dd
Was at gp on Friday re DS behaviour issues
And now this.
I just want to crawl into bed
Plus just found out this am didn't get a job I went for ..about the 5th promotion knock back in 12months

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 15/06/2015 13:20

How you get through it is by making plans to get out of it. Go and see a solicitor, tell people in real life, garner support. Your exhaustion is very likely to be replaced by elation in the long run. You deserve better, yours dc's deserve better.

I'm sorry about the promotion. That's a shitty thing, but you will rise again.

Melonfool · 15/06/2015 13:35

It's possible that your DS behaviour issues are not entirely unlinked from having a twat for a father?

Moln · 15/06/2015 13:39

Couple of questions: do you have arguments about equality for any of the following reasons;

He goes out more than you
He gets so drunk he cannot be responsible as a parent, at the time of drinking and the recovery period.
How the burden of parental responsibility is shared (in non drink related situations)

I would decipher from what you have posted he is an alcoholic, and therefore will find an excuse in anything at all for his drinking other than a reason at involves his own responsibility for it. He has justified in his mind his drinking is ok because of his mothers abuse. His horrible comment about your feminism is possibly due (depending on your answer to the above about equality) to his knowing that his drinking actually does cause inequality in your relationship and if you were so annoyingly feminist and would just shut up and put it everything would be ok (in his mind that is, I'm not suggesting you should)

pocketsaviour · 15/06/2015 14:33

Caffeine and rage tend to see me through days like that.

Skiptonlass · 15/06/2015 14:45

So basically he's saying "I want to go out, get pissed out of my skull whever I like, then say whatever I like and act however I like. If you pick me up on it, you're a humourless feminist shrew."

That's a bit like the banter argument isn't it? It's just 'a bit of fun' or 'banter.' You don't get it you see, because you're a feminist, who has the temerity to want to be treated like an equal.

So you have two actions to take . The first is to make it abundantly clear that he doesn't routinely get to get plastered, abdicate all decency and parental responsibility and treat you like shit. The second is that if he doesn't do that, you'll be thinking again about whether you want to live like this.

PoppyField · 15/06/2015 14:56

this man has a drinking problem and he hates women

Yep I'd go with the above.

As alwaysAnyFucker says in 10 words what takes me several paragraphs!

scallopsrgreat · 15/06/2015 16:46

daisy - do you think your partner is spending the day agonising over what he said? Do you think he spends any day agonising over what he says to you or your relationship?

BuzzardBird · 15/06/2015 16:52

There's nothing like a feminist to bring out the worst in a misogynist.

Vivacia · 15/06/2015 17:13

Can I just ask how you manage to get through a day at work when you have shit like this going on?

You don't. You end up taking time off, even if it's just leaving early. Or hiding in the toilets

weedinthepool · 15/06/2015 17:31

Do you know what I have a problem with binge drinking at the moment, I mouth off when I'm pissed and I currently hate men.

But if I was in a relationship with someone and I either broke my mums secret about her sexual assault, made it up and then told them to stick it up their hole I would be ashamed, devastated and sickened with myself. I'd be taking a long hard look at what my issues are and how I need to grow the fuck up. In fact I am looking at why and feeling bad because I told a perfectly nice potential boyfriend that he wasn't kind enough and was too selfish for me to be his girlfriend because I was being a cold drunk bitch basically. Honestly I feel terrible about it and it pales into utter insignificance compared to what your OH has said to you doesn't it?!

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