What do stay at home mums/dads do for money

[Strawberry25]

Hi, this is the 1st time I have posted so bear with me please. I have been married to my DH for 12 years and back then we both worked full time and used to put a % of our wages into a joint account for house, bills etc. When I had both my children I still did this even though I wasnt getting a full wage and then went back to work part time, still contributing a %. Out of my wages I would buy my own cars (I like better ones than him) and pay for all my own clothes, hair, gym etc.

18 months ago I was made redundant as I wouldnt change my hours to full time so the only income I now get is child benefit for the children. I have looked for child friendly hours but dont want to pay lots more childcare until my youngest is in school. My husband has a good job and also a mortgage free house that was left to him, which he rents out and keeps the rent for his retirement. DH still puts money into the joint account for the house, bills, food and kids things. I have to pay for my own car, fuel, insurance, tax, repairs, gym, hair cuts, clothes and anything else I might need for me. I have my own savings from when I worked so can use these if needed but not as much as my husband as he still has enough money left over each month to save too. Essential jobs on the house have been done but there are still outstanding things from when we moved in 15 years ago that need to be done, we are still using some furniture he picked with his ex. I didnt have a proper armchair for 6 years as had to wait for his to break before we could buy new ones (but still have the couch he bought with his ex). I cannot buy anything new of 'there is nothing wrong with what we have'. I did want to move house a few years ago as I never really liked the house we live in (he picked the area) but couldnt sell it so he agreed to pay for a conservatory instead, which I also paid some money towards whilst I was on mat leave.

Am I expecting too much from him as he is is the one going out and earning at the moment to provide for us. I told him I was going to change my car for one that was cheaper to run on fuel (using my savings) but he never offers to pay for my fuel. I feel like I cant buy myself anything as I have to pretend I have no money.

Our DS has a number of medical conditions that he does not understand and cannot show any empathy to her and I think he is very hard on her, I do not leave them alone together much as she says she does not like him much. He says I am a hypercondriac but infact I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (he doesnt know this yet as he cant understand it). My parents do not like him or the way he treats us which makes it difficult too. I am well aware that he is working and providing for us and I should be greateful and do everything at home but the money and lack of trust with money I feel is a problem so would like to know if everyone else supports themselves why they are at home with children.

Gosh, thanks everyone for taking the time to answer me and maybe help me to believe I am not a paranoid golddigger. I suppose I knew he wasnt being reasonable about the money but was convinced I wasnt really entitled to any as its his money. I put loose change in the kids accounts as do my parents but he saves his in a glass jar and then cashs it in so this is what I am up against. If he did not have any money than that would be fine but I know he has as he still saves each month plus his rental income. The joint account however was often overdrawn, even with me budgeting. He does not stop me buying clothes for the kids etc but if from a supermarket he does not know and I can sometimes get cash back for me. He did tell me when he was drunk on our honeymoon that I was after his money! Money has been spent on the house but there are still alot of outstanding jobs which would make selling the house hard.

I have not left him upto now as the children are quite young and I dont think my DS would tolerate having to go and stay with him if I wasnt their to stick up for her, I know this would have to happen and it would break my heart if it was damaging her evenmore emotionally as I wouldnt know what was being said to her. He is also very manipulative and says he hasnt said things he has and I have said things I havent etc and would try to get custody of the kids, even though he had them 'to keep my happy' it seems. He also has a 20 year old son who was brought up by his parents and still lives with them now, who he never took out or did hobbies with. H has also said he will not leave the house and I would have to go and leave the kids with him and he will give up work and look after them i.e. watch TV all day. I think he is having a midlilfe crisis, his hobbies are all done on his own and he has no friends at all to socialise or talk to. I have never seen him spend money on clothes for himself and doesnt care what other people think of him, even the kids.

He didnt really empathise with me when I was ill when I was pregnant and after DS I had to have emergency surgery which I think brought back what happened to his 1st wife. I was decorating the living room at 7 months with my parents helping me. I do not have any other family locally except for my parents who are in their 70's so I suppose this has been playing on my mind to. I do have lots of friends but only a few close ones who know what is going on. I am on a waiting list to see a counsellor and maybe I need to go and get some professional advice.

Thanks again everyone for being to so helpful.

strawberry

Your DH is both financially and emotionally abusive.

re your comment:-
"I have not left him upto now as the children are quite young and I dont think my DS would tolerate having to go and stay with him if I wasnt their to stick up for her, I know this would have to happen and it would break my heart if it was damaging her evenmore emotionally as I wouldnt know what was being said to her. He is also very manipulative and says he hasnt said things he has and I have said things I havent etc and would try to get custody of the kids, even though he had them 'to keep my happy' it seems. He also has a 20 year old son who was brought up by his parents and still lives with them now, who he never took out or did hobbies with. H has also said he will not leave the house and I would have to go and leave the kids with him and he will give up work and look after them i.e. watch TV all day. I think he is having a midlilfe crisis, his hobbies are all done on his own and he has no friends at all to socialise or talk to. I have never seen him spend money on clothes for himself and doesnt care what other people think of him, even the kids".

It is precisely that your children are so young that this is a good time to leave rather than say when they are teenagers doing exams etc. No time is brilliant to leave but you and they would be better off not living under such controlling behaviours from him.

He clearly does not give a fig for you or his children. Only his own sorry self.

You need to leave him, I would imagine his ex wife also left for scarily similar reasons.

Emotionally abusive men as well often make threats re custody and going for same but his history speaks volumes. He seemingly has no relationship with his 20 year old son. No he is not having a midlife crisis; he is abusive and is saying all the usual things such men say to try and maintain control over their chosen victim in this case you primarily (and by turn these children as well). These men often do have no friends or social life to speak of, there is good reason why they do not.

I would seek legal advice asap re separation so you know properly where you stand legally. He is likely going to make every aspect of you separating from him as difficult and protracted as possible; this will be a series of attempts on his part to maintain his control over you.

If your counsellor is a NHS based one you could be waiting an age. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. In your case too I would be contacting Womens Aid as they could help you as well, you need more help now.

I think you should talk to your parents and ask them to help with this and help you find a good solicitor and talk it over with them in confidence. Contacting womens aid is a good idea too.

All of our income has always gone into a joint account. When the bills are paid we save a set amount and share the rest equally.

Thanks, my parents are of course biased towards me and think he is in the wrong but main concern is if he gets some custody then DD will have to go and stay with him without me being there, not sure how she would cope with that to be honest. On the 2 nights I go out to the gym she begs me not to go as he puts them to bed. If I am in then I have to do it though. Last year I did a college course and would start my studying at 10.00pm when they in bed, dishes done, tidied up, got everthing ready for next day. He did a course before that for a few years so I think thats when I noticed the changes start when he was studying.

His 1st wife died which is why his son was not living with him, he said he couldnt as he had to work to provide for him. I also know that his mother cared for her when she was ill, I now wonder if that was because he was unwilling to do so of just because he was working.

There is no concrete evidence of what goes on so it is all my word against his. As he is not leaving me with no money as he is paying the bills and I have child benefit wont that be seen as ok, especially as I have some savings to. He will also argue that I dont tell him anything, his motto is 'if I want him to know I will tell him' and not that it is polite and kind to ask about people e.g. what they have done, what the doctor said etc. I presume though that this is just not caring about others. This does however make it quite easy to keep secrets from him. I have already made a will a few years ago leaving him nothing, he says he hasnt done one but he might have.

I dont think your parents are biased towards you, I bet if the relationship was generally good, but just going through a rough patch, they would want to save if for the sake of the kids.

You don't need to proove financial abuse or emotional abuse necessarily although sounds like he won't leave if you end it .

You're can't stay with him. What a waste of your life and a miserable childhood for your kids.

There's no love there is there ?

I was going to post earlier, but work got in the way...

Yes, I also think he is financially and emotionally abusive. And that you'd be better off leaving. As would your children as well.
It doesn't look like he'd want much with them anyway.