What do stay at home mums/dads do for money

[Strawberry25]

Hi, this is the 1st time I have posted so bear with me please. I have been married to my DH for 12 years and back then we both worked full time and used to put a % of our wages into a joint account for house, bills etc. When I had both my children I still did this even though I wasnt getting a full wage and then went back to work part time, still contributing a %. Out of my wages I would buy my own cars (I like better ones than him) and pay for all my own clothes, hair, gym etc.

18 months ago I was made redundant as I wouldnt change my hours to full time so the only income I now get is child benefit for the children. I have looked for child friendly hours but dont want to pay lots more childcare until my youngest is in school. My husband has a good job and also a mortgage free house that was left to him, which he rents out and keeps the rent for his retirement. DH still puts money into the joint account for the house, bills, food and kids things. I have to pay for my own car, fuel, insurance, tax, repairs, gym, hair cuts, clothes and anything else I might need for me. I have my own savings from when I worked so can use these if needed but not as much as my husband as he still has enough money left over each month to save too. Essential jobs on the house have been done but there are still outstanding things from when we moved in 15 years ago that need to be done, we are still using some furniture he picked with his ex. I didnt have a proper armchair for 6 years as had to wait for his to break before we could buy new ones (but still have the couch he bought with his ex). I cannot buy anything new of 'there is nothing wrong with what we have'. I did want to move house a few years ago as I never really liked the house we live in (he picked the area) but couldnt sell it so he agreed to pay for a conservatory instead, which I also paid some money towards whilst I was on mat leave.

Am I expecting too much from him as he is is the one going out and earning at the moment to provide for us. I told him I was going to change my car for one that was cheaper to run on fuel (using my savings) but he never offers to pay for my fuel. I feel like I cant buy myself anything as I have to pretend I have no money.

Our DS has a number of medical conditions that he does not understand and cannot show any empathy to her and I think he is very hard on her, I do not leave them alone together much as she says she does not like him much. He says I am a hypercondriac but infact I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (he doesnt know this yet as he cant understand it). My parents do not like him or the way he treats us which makes it difficult too. I am well aware that he is working and providing for us and I should be greateful and do everything at home but the money and lack of trust with money I feel is a problem so would like to know if everyone else supports themselves why they are at home with children.

We both saved as we were trying for children and I've used that money until it was all spent shockingly quickly!!

DH now transfers money to me every month, more than I need so I'll end up saving some back to our joint account. It's all our money, it just moves around between different accounts.

I feel tetchy about it being 'his' money but it's completely my issue from being raised by an environment where I was continually told to NEVER rely on anyone else.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

Post in relationships. You'll hear some stuff that strikes a chord. You might not be able to accept it yet but you're posting cos you know something is wrong, even though you've been normalising the dynamic. Or should I say he has.

It's not good.

It sounds awful.

I am a SAHM, DH contributes enough for us to live on to the joint account, and then we jointly save/spend anything left. Joint account pays all bills, clothes, food, childcare etc. and provides me with spending money. We have only one car, which I use mainly.

If you won the lottery would he expect half?

If the answer is yes then you can see that his sense of 'fairness' is just whatever suits him best and screws you over.

Atila - my friend was in a relationship like that. We (and she) thought he worshipped her, put her on a pedestal with all of the "I'll take care of you" stuff. We were young and naive. Fast forward 12 years (is thstca theme) and it is clear he was getting his ducks in a row to control her - isolating her from work, making her financially dependent on him...

I'd say it sounds to the OP as if alarm bells are going off - listen to them.

I, he, my children, his money.... where is the "we", "our children" - a marriage takes 2 lots of give and take. - does not sound like much fun for you op, being the one who does 2 lots of give...

It all goes into the one account, always has done. When we met we earned the same amount, then I earned more - quite a bit more really as I had an expatriate assignment for 7 years. Then I had the kids, I didn't work/worked part time. Now he's been expatriated and I'm a trailing spouse. I have rental income from an inherited property, but it pales in comparison to his income.

We've bought and sold some investment properties and all investment and profits have come out of the one pot. We'd have a terrible time unravelling everything and working out who paid what and who has how much.

If I need money, I go to the bank machine and get it out.

I've NEVER been grateful to him, the way you seem to be. I 'owe' him nothing. He 'owes' me nothing. Except for respect.

Your daughter is unhappy. That's the biggest problem you have a the moment.

In your shoes, they invoice their spouse for childcare and housekeeping services.

In a marriage which is not financially abusive, money is available to both partners.

I'm a SAHM, all the household income belongs to both of us. I spend what I see fit either on things that I want for myself, or things that we need/want as a family.

Your husband's behaviour is horrible - nasty and abusive, and his lack of empathy regarding his own child's illness, and yours, means that the abuse doesn't stop at financial. You need to consider leaving - remember that legally all the assets of the marriage belong to both of you, regardless of how your H views it.

He sounds like my partner. An arse.

as others have said - legally half of everything is yours. Half of both houses and his savings/pension pot. He couldn't go out to work to earn the money if you weren't at home looking after 'his' kids. You are just as valuable to the relationship as he is.
I'm a SAHM, we have equal access to the bank account and are equal partners.
Feeling you have to hide your depression from him is a red flag - but bigger than that is you can't leave your daughter alone with him because she doesn't like him. That's not normal. What's in this relationship for you? Have you considered counseling?

I agree the law would entitle you to half the assets if you divorced as it takes into account the non financial contributions you are making to the family by caring for the children, both in terms of how much you are saving by not paying for childcare and by how it is affecting your career and future earning potential in not working at this time.

Well simply, when I was a SAHM, I bought everything we needed as a family and gave DH an itemised bill at the end of the month. I had a little box for the receipts and kept a tally on the top on a sheet of paper. He then wrote me a cheque. He never ever questioned one single purchase of bit of expenditure.

.......admittedly I'm not the last of the big spenders and we didn't need much for the house at that point, and we didn't have any money problems.

I couldn't live a life where I had negotiate everything I bought.

We have always had joint finances, even before we were married and had kids.
DH works full time and I work very part time. All money goes in to account. I manage payments and direct debits, buy food, pay for kids activities etc etc out of our account.
DH actually rarely spends any money. He has a work car so uses work credit card for petrol and then his personal mileage is taken out of his wages directly, work pays for his mobile phone and he has free lunch at work, his gym membership and comic supscriptions come out as direct debit.
Basically I spend what I want (we don't have loads of free cash so I'm not buying handbags and shoes, just bits and bobs from home bargains etc)
Any large purchases are mutually agreed and DH will ask me if we have money spare for what ever he might want. - half marathon race fee for example.

Seriously " expecting too much from him" ?? All money should be shared equally. Also look into claiming dla then carers allowance for your ds.

Sorry I think you meant dd.

I forgot to answer your question, I am a sahm my dh works full time. We both withdraw money when we want to and buy whatever we need for the family or want.
If it was a large purchase we were planning such as a laptop ( obviously a car) we would discuss it, but neither would " stop" each other our hashing anything.

How bizarre, the money should be 50/50 half yours.

Doesn't matter who brings it into the house it's family income not his.

I'm sorry if not tolerate that.

Strawberry I can't believe what I just read, you sound like a lovely women, better than I am because I would be so unhappy with your relationship/situation and I would have to leave. Obviously you have some doubts about your 'situation' but how happy are you? X

I'm a sahm at the moment. We have a joint account for bills/mortgage etc which dh puts enough money into. I have full access to this account. The child benefit goes into this account. We have no other income other than dh wage. I try hard to save us as much as we can on food shopping while not compromising to much. I make 80% from fresh and homemade including bread. We shop around a lot.

He pays for the cars (not posh or new)/holidays/days out (once a month we have a family day out with picnic)/kids clothes and the majority of the presents. We also have a joint credit card we use for somethings if money is tight. I never put anything on this without him saying it's ok. He pays this as well.

Each month he manages to puts £10 into each child's bank account.

He also saves whatever is left. It's never a lot and some months this is nothing. This is what we spend to go on holiday, save up for decorating or other house things. Holidays are usually 1 a year and cost no more than £600 all in (camping, caravan, cottage).

Dh transfers a small set amount of money into my personal account each month. It's not a lot but it's what he can afford. I don't feel comfortable asking him for money! I've never done it and if he had it he'd never say no. I budget very carefully. This is what I use to put petrol in my car, pay for my mobile, get my hair done (every 3 months) and take the dc out (cheap and cheerful, parks, ice creams etc). It works out at only £30 a week so it can be tight! I try to keep some back each month in the summer as winter can be expensive.

I have savings for treat things like clothes, shoes, days out for me. I also tend to get vouchers for Christmas and birthdays that I make go a long way! I'm very careful how much we spend!

When I'm working I pay for family days out, meals out, new carpets/curtains, better holidays. Things that we can't afford and aren't essential but are nice and improve our house and life.

Different arrangements work differently for different people so it's a bit subjective and you should put in place something you can both agree on and make work.

From the moment my DW moved in we both got paid into the same bank account. A Direct debit is then taken from that bank account and put into out bills account to pay all the household bills. What ever is left we both consider ours to spend as we see fit. This didn't change when we got married and didn't change when my DW gave up work to be a SAHM.
whatever I or she earns is considered. she has always spent freely, without restriction but she will call me if she wants to make a decision on a big purchase.

I do think he needs to start considering the marriage as a partnership and stepping up as a parent, or you'll be better off if you do leave him.

Whereas different arrangements work for different people, the law is quite clear in considering that the income generated by the couple belongs to both. Which is what will happen if you split from him. He may need a reality check regarding that.
When both are earning the same it may not be a problem, but, you know, in sickness and hard times, different arrangements will have to work.

But I'm not sure I'd want to stay with a man who treated me like this.

I am a sahm and we have a joint account - what he earns is ours. I cannot see how it can work any other way. When we both worked we had a joint account and that worked too.

I'm a sahm and DH transfers a few months' worth of expenses into my account at a time, so there's always a decent amount for me to spend and I'm not living month to month. He pays for all mortgage, bills, nights out etc. If I have an unusually big expense that month then he'll top it up without asking and never lets it go below a couple of months' worth of essential spending, although he pays for all the bigger household purchases. We don't do joint accounts for specific reasons, but we don't view our money as separate and talk about 'our' finances regardless of whose account it comes out of.

We don't feel obliged to agree purchases with each other for financial reasons (though we discuss household purchases but more to decide on which model/style to get). I spend what I want, I'm probably more frivolous than DH is but we're both fairly sensible and spend way below our income. I don't feel particularly grateful to him, I just see it as the normal way of things in a family. It's how things have been since we married/moved in (lived together from when we were married) - we had separate finances when we weren't married and had our own places.