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Original poster

Should I change job to save my relationship?

47 replies

myotheraccountsa · 14/06/2015 09:50

Long term user, name changing for this one. Please go easy on me, I know I'm no saint.

Married, 2 DC s. In a "career" (rather) than just job, with a company where I've basically built the role myself from nothing - now have a lot of respect there, am just in the process of getting my own team. Genuinely love it, have been there a number of years. Fabulous stability, get on really well with everybody.

8 months ago started working very closely with a guy who became my best friend. That did turn into an EA. I know this is wrong, before everyone flames me. So did he (he has a longterm gf). We have now completely ended it, although he is very keen that we remain best friends. I'd hate to lose him. But he's being incredibly strict on the just friends thing, which is of course how it should be.

DH doesn't know.

I've just been offered another job. Similar role, v slightly lower pay. Much smaller company. Nice people.

I never wanted to leave my job.

But I feel I should. Do you think I owe it to DH that I should get myself away from the guy I had the EA with? Or now that we are attempting to just be friends, can I stay...

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 14/06/2015 09:53

You can't be "best friends" and while you are pretending you can, your EA is not over.

YouMeddlingKids · 14/06/2015 09:56

Tricky situation. I think you would be very unwise to derail your career. However, not convinced that you can still be best friends with someone you had an EA with. How closely do you work together? If you backed off completely would it affect your job/ working atmosphere? Its the OM rather than your job which has the potential to ruin your marriage... if you're not willing to let him go (it sounds as if he's the one putting boundaries in, not you?) then it wil affect your marriage wherever you work.

saltnpepa · 14/06/2015 10:04

Maybe your marriage is over, not your job. Why have you been having the EA? You will no doubt have another one if you don't work out why you had it. In other words don't run away from a good job into a mediocre one to repeat the same drama with someone else. Maybe your marriage is over?

HeresMyBrightIdea · 14/06/2015 10:09

You can't be friends with someone that you had an emotional affair with. That doesn't compute, it won't work. You also seem to be heavily relying on him to enforce the boundaries.

Consider if your relationship is worth saving. If you had an EA, perhaps it's not? You may then choose to keep your job over your relationship.

If you do want to try and save your relationship, you cannot stay friends with this man, and you need to work out why you had an EA. There would be an argument for telling your husband so he can make his choice too, but at the end of the day that's up to you.

ALaughAMinute · 14/06/2015 10:17

I am in a very similar situation to you in that I had an 8 month affair with my boss that ended a few months ago. He recently got divorced but I am technically still married, although plan to get divorced as soon as my youngest starts uni in September. The main reason he ended it is because he suffers with ED and couldn't cope with a relationship so soon after his divorce. He was also worried that we might get caught out which would put our jobs at risk so not an easy situation all round.

All I can tell you is that we are both finding it really difficult working together as we still have feelings for each other. If I had another job I would leave tomorrow.

I had an affair because my marriage is over. Why did you have an affair?

Anniegetyourgun · 14/06/2015 10:18

You sound awfully as though you're still teetering on the brink of doing something stupid, which you would hate yourself for. I'd hate to lose him. But he's being incredibly strict on the just friends thing, which is of course how it should be implies that it's only the OM who is holding the boundaries in place; that should he change his mind and open his arms you'd be in them like a shot. You know what this will mean, not just for your DH (you haven't said anything about him but I assume he doesn't deserve this, most people don't) but for your career when/if your employers find out. It is crucial that you knock the whole romance thing firmly on the head instead of carrying on with the "if only" bollocks, because at least four people stand to get hurt, and because frankly it's tacky and cliché'd.

I'm not particularly impressed with the OM being keen that we remain best friends. I'm not sure what game he's playing there, if any. If you were to post here that you were the one making that choice everyone would say "No! You cannot remain friends with this guy, let alone best friends. Keep as far away from him as possible". And yes, they probably would suggest moving to another job, although given how much you love it that would be pretty drastic. (I was wondering actually whether your feelings for OM are at least partly because he is bound up with the career you love and the project you felt so positive about, the warm fuzzy feelings spilling over onto the people as it were.)

Whether you leave the job or not you need to work on yourself big-time; after all, who's to say you wouldn't fall for someone else in the new place? I suggest some counselling PDQ. Your company can probably offer you some as a staff perk, which should be entirely confidential, but then again you might wish to go externally just in case anything did leak.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/06/2015 10:24

ALaughAMinute I'm sorry, I hadn't seen yours when you posted, it looks as though I called you tacky which I wouldn't have done. I think when you know your marriage is over it's another story. I know I had a massive upsurge of love and lust looking for somewhere to go after mine ended, although I didn't have anywhere to put it at the time and just lived through the frustration through circumstances rather than virtue. It's natural. But it's still a bad idea to have a workplace affair for the very reason you say: you still have to work together afterwards and it's not comfortable.

ALaughAMinute · 14/06/2015 10:37

Annie, thanks. I didn't think you'd called me tacky, but all affairs are tacky, I can't argue with that. Hmm

BathtimeFunkster · 14/06/2015 12:35

Teetering my arse.

This whole "strictly" best friends self-denying martyrdom is just the newest phase of your emotional affair.

Your affair will be over when you go completely no contact with this man.

Cancookdontcook · 14/06/2015 12:45

It does sound like you would like more from this relationship if he wanted it, as if you can't trust yourself. Forget being friends, that's impossible. It is hard to completely let go when you have feelings for someone. I would consider leaving my job if I were you.

BolshierAyraStark · 14/06/2015 12:57

If I found out DH had been having an EA with a colleague the first request I would make is for him to change jobs so yes I do think you should. I also think you need to figure out why you did this, there is obviously something missing in your life.
I think if you stay you will do something stupid.

Original poster
myotheraccountsa · 14/06/2015 13:21

Thank you all. You're pretty much confirming what I suspected but didn't want to admit. I'll have to go. I know I need to let him go too...it's v long & v complicated. I'm going to look into getting therapy too :(

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 14/06/2015 13:27

I think you should keep your job but you need to go n/c with this man outside of work interaction.

You want to make the sacrifice of the job to appease the Gods as you feel guilty about the affair. But the truth is you may continue with this EA in your new job, if so nothing will have changed you'll just get paid less.

I'm not sure that your marriage is going to survive this EA, and if it doesn't you may end up with in a job you like less with no husband either.

mynewpassion · 14/06/2015 15:02

What do you want more: your job and besties with the OM or your marriage?

You can't have both because you are capable of it.

mynewpassion · 14/06/2015 15:04

It should read NOT capable of it (managing both effectively)

kinkyfuckery · 14/06/2015 15:11

How would you explain the move of jobs to your family?

Isetan · 14/06/2015 15:19

You can't be "best friends" and while you are pretending you can, your EA is not over.

^This^

Where does your H fit in to all this? Right now it appears to be between leaving the job you love (in a half hearted attempt to put some distance between you and the OM) or staying put (remaining in close proximity to the object of your affections).

If you really want to save your marriage, you know exactly what you should be doing. So, why aren't you?

googoodolly · 14/06/2015 15:32

You can't stay friends with this man - you had an EA with him! I think the best thing to do would be to move jobs and cut contact with him forever. Luckily nothing physical happened but I think if you love your DH and want to make your marriage work, you need to move on completely.

Why did you have an EA with him, anyway?

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/06/2015 15:56

Are you sure you want to stay in your marriage? Because giving up a job you love to try and save a marriage that's already on the ropes could leave you without dream job and husband.

The ideal is for you to emotionally detach from your work colleague. Get counselling if you need it, so you can get your feelings out and process them. Think very carefully about your job, your marriage and your work colleague before you go closing any doors.

Cashiernumberfive · 14/06/2015 16:33

Only you can decide which is more important. Realistically -you know you can't have both.
Which one do you want?

mynewpassion · 14/06/2015 17:24

Or you can tell your DH and he can make the decision for you if you can't.

Wideopenspace · 14/06/2015 17:57

What do you mean by 'best friends' OP?

Original poster
myotheraccountsa · 14/06/2015 19:42

Mynew you're 100% right that's what I should do. But I'm a coward and simply don't have the guts to lose everything.

Even if DH and I parted company, OM & I would not be together. Even if he left his SO (which would not happen) we still wouldn't be, in the long run. We'd just be best friends.

By best friends - now - I literally just mean that. We have a lot in common. We laugh together, share interests, message each other (but no longer on social media), cheer each other up and like spending time together but realistically don't often get to. But that's where it now ends. Nothing happens. Any inapproproateness is quickly shut down by one or other of us...& more and more it has ceased to happen anyway. He has led on it, but I've been equally adamant that I want to stay with DH. Yes I agree with you all - whether DH would want to stay with me is another matter.

That doesn't help the job situ though. I too am confused whether moving or staying is the answer or whether it makes no difference at all & I just need to work on myself and my marriage.

OP posts:
Oly4 · 14/06/2015 19:47

Keep your job and career but get counselling for dealing with this man.
I've been in this situation and we actually did manage to salvage a friendship eventually. I worked with him the whole time and time does heal.
Don't throw away a career. You can manage this if you're strong

Original poster
myotheraccountsa · 14/06/2015 20:10

Oly4 that's really interesting. Would you mind sharing more - did you seek a particular type of therapist / was there any specific course of therapy? And what was the impact on your marriage / relationship?

I would really love to keep my job, keep my marriage & keep this man as a friend. Just a friend - I mean that. I'm not saying I deserve that. Or that my feelings are all innocent...I still have strong feelings for him. But they are overridden by the fact I desperately want to be with my DH, who I may not be passionately crazy about but is a fantastic man who I know is good for me...& I would hope I can be a good wife for him for the rest of my life with the therapy to resolve this.

My career means a lot to me. If I get this decision wrong, I don't like to think about it...

OP posts: