Should I change job to save my relationship?

[myotheraccountsa]

Long term user, name changing for this one. Please go easy on me, I know I'm no saint.

Married, 2 DC s. In a "career" (rather) than just job, with a company where I've basically built the role myself from nothing - now have a lot of respect there, am just in the process of getting my own team. Genuinely love it, have been there a number of years. Fabulous stability, get on really well with everybody.

8 months ago started working very closely with a guy who became my best friend. That did turn into an EA. I know this is wrong, before everyone flames me. So did he (he has a longterm gf). We have now completely ended it, although he is very keen that we remain best friends. I'd hate to lose him. But he's being incredibly strict on the just friends thing, which is of course how it should be.

DH doesn't know.

I've just been offered another job. Similar role, v slightly lower pay. Much smaller company. Nice people.

I never wanted to leave my job.

But I feel I should. Do you think I owe it to DH that I should get myself away from the guy I had the EA with? Or now that we are attempting to just be friends, can I stay...

You said it love: you're a coward and you want one of us to give you permission to continue as you are. Until, that is, your husband finds out and makes the decision for you

What did your EA actually consist of?

Best friend + still having strong feelings = still having an emotional affair

Unless I have misunderstood what an emotional affair is?

Hello, look emotional affairs happen all the time. It's nothing to be proud of but they do just happen. In my case, we were friends for a long time before and then it just got more and more, excited about seeing each other, wanting more etc. he put the breaks on when I gave him an ultimatum and I found that very hard. But i was determined to keep a job I loved very much and a relationship that at the time I didn't deserve. Now I look back and realise the other man was just an obsession, I didn't know the real him, just a fantasy idea of him. I think you should contact Relate in the first instance and see if you can have therapy on your own. Ana really focus on your marriage. It was once shiny and new too and you can put some spark back into it. Keep your distance from the other man as much as you can while keeping friendship lines open. Realise he is probably stringing you along a little with the friends line because he needs your attention. Once I realised nothing was ever going to happen and I actually had a fantastic man that I risked losing, I grew up a bit and tried to see the EA for what it was. Best of luck. I think it would be a big mistake to leave your job for the unknown

Name changed as still very ashamed of myself.

I've been through an almost identical situation. Married (he was single) but started getting very close with a colleague. We became best friends and then had an emotional affair. It was short (6 weeks) but ruined everything.
Long story short, we never took it further and I put all my energy into working on my marriage. I am glad I did this but work was horrific.
We went from speaking all the time to him completely ignoring me. I tried to maintain a version of our friendship (no contact outside work but friendly during work hours) but it couldn't be done. I was miserable because I'd lost such an important person in my life and couldn't understand why he felt ignoring/sniping was necessary.

I felt so isolated for so long as if I entered a room he would leave, if he was in a room, I would have to think about whether it was worthwhile even bothering entering.

I love my job and worked very hard to get to the level I'm currently at. I couldn't leave as it's a very niche market. I just had to get on with it.

It's taken two years and we're finally in a place where we can have a polite conversation. There are absolutely no feelings now and this is precisely because we have absolutely no contact/discussion other than on work related matterS.

Do I wish we could have stayed friends? Yes, of course. But it's not worth it. By all means stay at work but step back and accept that the friendship is over.

Thanks again all.

To a few commenting on "what is an EA"...to me, just having feelings for someone is not an EA otherwise a huge per cent of people in relationships would at some point be guilty of EA. You can't stop feelings. But you can, I guess, control what you choose to do about them. I would say it becomes an EA when there is reciprocation - when feelings are discussed, when you start to realise the interaction has gone from being just friendly to more than that...& you know your partner wouldn't necessarily be ok with it all, even if nothing "as such" is happening.

In our case...it increased steadily, but we needed to be in contact daily, or both felt quite panicky. Lots of talk about emotions / feelings. Acknowledgement that if situations were different, we would be together. Little messages, gifts. Hugs. Compliments etc. & a lot of "bonding" & deep conversations.

We are in an intense work situation which doesn't help. But that is about to change anyway even if I stay.

& as I've said...virtually all the inappropriateness has stopped, now that it is all out in the open between us. We are literally just friends.

I have told DH that there was "something" there. That is as far as he seems to want to push it anyway, thankfully. & that I want to get help, which I do. I truly don't want to lose either of them. If it had to be one or the other, I would always pick my DH - I have history, a home, beautiful DC s with him & he is a good man. But I would miss my friend like crazy.

Re job...I am worried that jumping into the unknown could be bad. That I'd simply be running away & taking all my demons with me. I really hope therapy can help.

In terms of staying friends...perhaps I am in total lala land & will come to see that. I think the only hope we have is that both of us want to stay with our partners but don't want to lose each other & therefore know the only way for that to be possible (as neither of us see an on going affair as acceptable) is to force friendship to work. Surely with enough determination it can?

Thank you particularly to those who have been through similar & are sharing their experiences.

You aren't choosing your husband if you stay friends with this man. You're doing a lot of hand wringing and saying the right things but you are categorically not choosing your husband.

You cannot have them both. Trying too will see it all come down in flames. It doesn't matter how much you want it to work, or how much he wants it to work, or how sad you'd be without him. It will absolutely, 100% destroy both relationships and potentially your job if you can't choose who to give up. And that means properly give up, not demote to "friends" status in an attempt to not have to deal with the consequences of your EA.

Losing him as a friend is perhaps your punishment for the EA. Losing your husband will be the punishment for failing to deal with it and selfishly trying to keep everyone.

If you changed jobs would you cut all contact with the om or would you still meet socially?

Do you think you might end up resenting your DH if you never saw your friend again, even though it was your decision?

Would just seeing your friend in a work context allow things to become less intense?

I think the only hope we have is that both of us want to stay with our partners but don't want to lose each other & therefore know the only way for that to be possible (as neither of us see an on going affair as acceptable) is to force friendship to work. Surely with enough determination it can?

OK, this is deeply dishonest. As is your extremely convenient definition of the difference between an EA and just having inappropriate feelings.

You two have already crossed the line into an EA. everything you do now is motivated by your feelings for one another. The affair isn't over just because you've decided to deny yourselves the sexual release you both enjoy thinking about.

Until you can get over all the teenage angsty bullshit about "losing each other" and forcing yourselves to accept just being "best friends" , you are still having an affair and being disloyal and hurtful to the "good man" you married.

Also, are you not a bit embarrassed to be risking your family for a man who prefers his girlfriend to you?

You have way more to lose here. If he actually thought you were all that he'd be single by now.

Giving up the friendship is more important than giving up the job. It sounds, as pp have said, as if you have weaker boundaries on that than he does. You need to steel yourself and call time on the friendship completely if you want to save your marriage. Who knows, your 'friend' might then decide he should leave.

Maybe your situation is unique in that you can maintain a close friendship after something like this; if you both want that and are willing to work on it, then it could work.
The issue is that now the line has been crossed, the friendship will never be the same again (it simply can't be) or, more likely, it will revert back to verging on the inappropriate and you'll find yourself back in an EA.
You have made the choice to stay with your husband. That means relinquishing the relationship that put that in jeopardy in the first place. It hurts like hell but is necessary. Essentially, you need to prioritise-which relationship matters more to you, the one with your husband or the one with your colleague? If it's your husband, then you need to take every step to make sure that it is the one that survives-this means cutting friendship ties with temptation.

I know everybody is - rightly - dubious, but I'm sure nothing would happen between me & OM now. The chemistry has gone, now it's been shut down. Today in fact we had an argument over the fact he's basically bored of my company (we spend whole days alone together where we basically see nobody else. That will be changing soon).

I think the way it is going, the friendship may well run its course anyway. I would want to be friends but accept that there are still emotional undercurrents there on my part even though I'm adamant I wouldn't act on them. He says he wants to be friends but, without the drama of the EA seems already to grow tired of me.

But in terms of the job...factoring OM out of it, I could stay but I'd still have to be around him. I think if I go, I may be very unhappy possibly but it would be easier to cut him out of my life completely.

I'm pretty sure DH does know. He just isn't pushing.

I have to make a decision quickly.

Why do you feel you have to make a decision quickly? Is this in relation to the other job you've been offered?

If so, it will do your career no good whatsoever if you take a job iwth another company where you will be carrying out a similar role for less money.

The one thing you can't be - you can't be friends.

You can keep your job, you can keep your marriage, but you can't keep him as a friend.

It now seems like he doesn't want to anyway. That's all to the good. It sounds like a crazy workplace cabin fever infatuation that has run its course.

It think you're in a muddle. You're thrashing about trying to make a sacrifice to somehow atone for your sins. When the only thing you need to sacrifice is his friendship. But you have to do this sincerely and completely.

So you had an EA, now want to keep your dh, your job and the OM as your best friend?

How would you feel if this was your dh? Who had an EA and wanted the same?

I'm sure nothing would happen between me & OM now.

Something already has happened. And it is (on your part at least) still happening.

Even if you never let him fuck you, the whole "can't bear to lose him" heightened emotional nonsense is an ongoing betrayal of the good man you built a family with.

OP, as I said earlier, I too had an affair with a work colleague (my boss) that ended 4 months ago and I am still working for the company.

I hope for your sake that things work out for you if you do decide to carry on working for the company, but for me, the last 4 months have been extremely difficult to say the least. It would probably be easier if he kept a professional distance from me, but he is still very attentive and still flirts with me and buys me little presents. Although the relationship is no longer physical, we are still having an emotional affair and still have strong feelings for each other even though we don't want to. I can't help feeling that if he didn't have ED, that things would be different. I look at him and I know he still wants me, but I know it can never be. He's not yet over his divorce, and I am still married for a start. Let alone the fact that he has ED. As much as I am fond of him, I couldn't seriously contemplate a long-term relationship with a man with ED because I know it would only lead to unhappiness. That said, we still have strong feelings for each other that won't go away. We have tried ignoring each other but it doesn't seem to last more than a couple of days. Before I had the affair I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay with my husband or not because we've had a difficult few years, but having had the affair, I am now aware of everything that is missing in my marriage, so I feel I must move on and get another job and divorce my husband. Some would say that this is probably a good thing as it helped me decide, but for now, I'm not sure.

If you still love your husband and have young DC's, then it is worth working on your marriage. Maybe the affair has highlighted some problem areas in your marriage, but as long as you love each other, with the right help, you should be able to save your marriage.

With the best will in the world, I think it's unrealistic to think you can be best friends with the OM. I think you would probably find it easier in the long run if you had a clean break and moved on. If you were best friends with the OM, then that could probably be considered an emotional affair, and that wouldn't be good for you or your marriage. You said the chemistry has gone and the OM has grown tired of you, so you must ask yourself if you can cope with the pain of being rejected. For what it's worth, I think you would probably better off putting the affair behind you and making a fresh start in the new job.

I think time does wonderful things and in a few months/years you may see this man in a completely different light. I know I did. All while working for the same company. But it takes guts to keep some distance. You just have to force yourself to create that distance. And put effort into your marriage

It's funny how once the intensity of the EA fades you can step back and see the faults that you were blind to.

Sounds like you're beginning to notice certain elements of his personality which are less than favourable- that's a good thing.

It may well run it's course and you could both naturally pull away as other important things crop up, biut do you want to leave it to chance? Don't you want to have control over the situation? Flittering along pretending that nothing ever happened is unrealistic and dangerous.

Stay at work. It will be shit for a while. Keep your head down and just get on with it. If you
Have to work with him then discussion is strictly work related, it'll feel weird , awkward and horrible but it's meant to; you've crossed a line and you need to accept that the loss of the friendship is an inevitable consequence.

You situation is not unique, you are just another one person cheating on their partner.
You cannot be friends with someone trying to come inbetween your marriage. It's about time you take your marriage seriously
The decision is quite simple, either this friendship or your marriage; you cannot maintain both unless you are willing to continue deceiving your DH

This thread is quite close to home for me.

I have also found myself having an EA and am going through the process of reaffirming boundaries with OM.

Through some pretty soul searching counselling, which will continue for a while, I've been able to see how/why it's happened but also work on me.
I go through phases of really resenting OM but also realize the part I've played. I just have to make sure I don't give in to any temptation to flirt - a cheeky look, friendly email etc - and remind myself how good it feels to be in control of the situation. and ultimately, not deceiving dh or my children.

Not too dissimilar to giving up smoking actually. It gets easier over time and you always feel so good when you don't cave and give in to the 'craving'! Because all you're feeding is your ego, in the short term!

My challenge now is to manage my guilt and disgust at myself. Part of the reason this happened was down to my own self esteem issues so I need to not go off on a massive self destruct exercise.

For the most part, and I may get flamed for this, it's made me realize the wrongs in my marriage and made me determined to make it work. Because I absolutely and truly don't want anyone but my DH.

If you're just friends now then you're just friends. Changing your job will be of no benefit to your husband as he isn't aware of your affair. Are you considering changing your job because you can't trust yourself?

Perhaps you should have considered what you "owe" your husband before embarking on an EA