Friend is 'annoyed' with me

[CharlieChaplinsHat]

This might be quite 'outing' as I'm going to give as much information as not to dripfeed etc. This is the same friend that I've spoken about before (she had been upset with me because I didn't reply to her text fast enough after 2 days).

Last month we went on a long planned trip with our children. She offered to drive me and my DD rather than me getting the train (I don't drive) and I offered to pay her half the petrol money as I think this is the thing to do etc. It was quite a long drive so I know the petrol would be expensive. She turned down my offer, even after I insisted and then offered to buy her dinner or something as a thank you instead.

Anyway, a few days later she comes back to me and says, actually do I mind contributing towards the petrol as she could really do with the money. I say, yes of course. She asked for £10.

We meet up for a day trip, seemed to be having a nice time etc. TBH the money had slipped my mind as we wondered round the shops and hadn't been mentioned at all. All of a sudden she turns round to me, clearly quite pissed off and snaps at me 'Do you not want to pay it, CharlieChaplinsHat? I really don't like having to ask'. I was quite taken aback because the tone was quite harsh and the money had not been mentioned up until that point and I had every intention of giving it to her! I said that it had slipped my mind up until then. She didn't seem to want to give me the benefit of the doubt and kept on going on about how I clearly didn't want to give her the money, and did I think she was out of order for asking? She was really pissy and just stomped off in a huff.

That was about 3 weeks ago, and I sent her a few messages asking if she was alright generally etc, didn't get a reply so a few days ago asked after her again and asked if she was upset about the money and that I hope she wasn't. I told her I felt like she thought I was deliberately not wanting to pay her and that hurt my feelings and that I valued her friendship and hoped we wouldn't fall out. She didn't get back to me again so I sent her a message saying well at least can you let me know that you are alright as I was starting to get worried something had happened. She then got back to me saying that she is alright and yes she is annoyed about the money and that she hasn't got back to me yet because she is busy. Apparently she is going to send me an email telling me why she is upset

I just think that this is so petty and childish. If it was the other way round and someone owed me money I would raise the issue along the lines of 'Oh would you mind giving me that money for the petrol' (you know, something polite etc). I can't get my head round her not replying to my messages. I looks like she has been sulking over something very minor and appeared quite happy to throw away our friendship. I just don't know if I can be arsed with this type of thing.

Sorry this is so long and petty. What do others make of this? Is she being unreasonable or am I?

'a liar, a sponge and a thief'.

Sounds like the title of a good movie. ??

Get her books back to her, then delete her from your life.

IMO you lost your moral high ground when you entered into a slanging match with her. You're stooping to her level and becoming just as petty as her. You should have just ignored her!

I would definitely stop communicating with her in any way - she is getting off on the drama and is only going to keep sending you nasty messages. Any messages that come from her I would delete unread.

I might try to find some way of getting the books back to her though - just so she doesn't have any sort of hold over you with them - do you have a mutual friend who could drop them off to her?

I think she is coming over totally unhinged and I assume it is because in her head she has been building up a load of grievances against you which she has not expressed and they have all come out over the money incident. (you mention a previous text incident)Because she has failed to communicate properly she has suddenly flipped and in her head she thinks you ought to know why even though she hasn't told you.

I think you are well rid - she sounds incredibly exhausting and not very nice.

I think she has over acted massively but I think, it's always better to offer and give something, rather than just offer. Actually get the money and put it in her hand or actually buy a meal, not just offer.

OP you don't really need anyone else's thoughts on this do you??

I think I know why you've posted - you're worried that maybe you have done something wrong because she is so certain, and want to check. At least thats how I would feel.

As long as you feel you have acted appropriately, not been nasty or aggressive, then that's all that matters. It doesn't really matter what we think!

TBH it does sound like there has been massive over-reaction from her about this. But we don't know the full history not have we seen the conversations (and I'm not suggesting you post them). Perhaps there is a history of her feeling like she had to ask, perhaps not.

Either way, ignoring you for nearly two months, and ignoring your texts reassuring that you hoped all was well and you were still friends. Then sending an email explaining just how terrible you are, and citing many very small and minute examples of how you have 'taken advantage' of her is massively passive aggressive.

Just ignore her and move on. Let her know she can pick the books up at her conveninece and then draw a line under it. You are never going to change her mind, so getting into conversations or emails about all of it isn't going to help anything.

There, there children, if you can't play nicely together, play at the opposite side of the play ground - ffs.

I think you are both hard work and as bad as each other. You obviously don't like each other so stop communicating

I agree with Fluffy, you both sound as bad as each tbh.

As a good friend you should have insisted she took the money, or even bought her a small gift to say thanks, so many folk fall out basically because they feel unappreciated or taken for granted.

She changed her mind about wanting the money so I would guess that at some point she started feeling like you were taking advantage of her. She is right that you 'should' have paid her without her needing to ask. She only asked you for a token £10. I'm not saying you were taking advantage but that's possibly how she sees it.

I think both of you are to blame, tbh. You offered to buy her a meal instead of paying for petrol, but you didn't, did you? She asked for a tenner which you agreed to give her, but she had to remind you. Nobody likes to have to do that. Also, you knew £10 wasn't half of the petrol - when she asked for it, why didn't you ask her how much the petrol was?

An easier way out would've been to pay her what you would have paid for the train.

Now you still have her books but don't intend to send them back - that's not right, surely you can see that?

I did offer her more than a tenner! On the day out when this all came to the surface we had met up and wandering around - I do think she could have raised the issue more politely. If I was in her shoes i would have raised it as I mentioned above, like 'do you mind giving me that money'. I thought about not going to her level and not responding to her email but I just felt like I had to stand up to myself. I don't believe in all this rubbish about 'putting the money in her hand'. She could have just accepted what I offered her. As for not taking up the offer for a meal, I offered her on several occasions when we were ordering meals to pay for her dinner but she was always 'oh no don't worry, but thanks anyway'. I remember we were both at a bar ordering and I said 'oh I'll get these' and she declined!

i know her brother lives in the same town as me so I'll ask her for his address and I can drop them off at his.

I suppose I do feel like I have behaved appropriately and haven't been rude. I look at her behaviour and actually feel embarrassed as there is no way I would ever be so rude to anyone or behave like such a martyr.

When I gave her the tenner, I actually gave her a twenty and said keep that. She refused it and gave me a £10 note. So literally did put more money in her had and she didn't want it!

I agree with imperials whole post.

I hate asking for money back

I would get the books back to her ASAP and then avoid. Which may be difficult if you are on the same course, but there is no point in keeping score which you both seems to be doing at the moment. Avoid her if you can!

Sorry OP, she sounds more in the right to me than you do, you did ask!

Don't ever let money come between a friendship, it's just not worth it, you could easily have insisted she take it, or even sent her a cheque laters.

OP - Why do you only post on A Friday?

Your stance re the books and that exsoence makes me think it'd be easy to interpret your behaviours as she's described, whether you are that way or not. I think you've got some serious thinking yo do about the way you portray yourself in future.

Send her books back

Stop bickering via email.
Every time you are not responding to her accusations, you are just feeding the drama.
You don't like each other. Move on .

She sounds like an arse.

I used to know someone like this; she let tiny resentments fester and 'kept count' of things exactly as you describe, like small favours or not replacing things or responding to things within the 'right' timeframe etc.

You're better off without her, OP. But I agree you should send her effing books back and stop having arguments via email. Just get her out of your life.

Jan45 You think she sounds more in the right than me? I offered her half the money for petrol - she turns it down, I offer to buy her meals repeatedly (including at the point when we are paying) - she turns it down, she asks for money in the middle of day out I give her double what she asks - she gives me back half, she is rude to me, she has called me names, she turned down all my offers of help with her DD! I told her re the books that sending them in the post is too expensive to me, I will give them back ffs but she can arrange a more reasonable way to collect them. I have asked for her brother's address so I can drop them off. She has been extremely rude. She has sent me these extremely abusive emails full of bile and lies which I felt I had to reply to otherwise I would feel so angry and bullied if I didn't put my point across. I couldn't have her going around thinking/saying these things about me without my standing up to myself. I have read back all my messages that I have sent to her and shown them to my friends and feel like I have managed to remain civil, polite and sticking to facts rather than transcending to name calling.

so many people here are saying things like I should have put the money in her hand and not taken no for an answer. I did put money in her hand but I guess I don't relate to that kind of thing because I am not a martyr - I am more upfront and if I wanted a contribution to something I would bloody well say what I want!

If you were prepared to pay her half for the petrol in the first instance and in the end she asked for, and received £10, could you not offset the cost of posting the books as the remainder of the £30 you had been prepared to pay her in the first place. You could then have closure on the matter as there would be absolutely no need for either of you to contact each other again.

Why are you making such a drama out of this? Showing the messages to your friends and now this thread?

Seriously. Let it go. There is 'not being a martyr' and there is 'just going on and on'

OP, she, like many of us at the time end up saying, no, it's fine, don't worry etc..........then later on when we reflect, we might think, could have insisted I took it or, what actual thanks did I get for doing all that. If she spent £60 on petrol it must have been some favour she done you.

OP, you are asking for views, mine's is only one, I can tell you from past experience that money is not worth falling out about, always make sure you pay your way, even if you have to insist, it's not that difficult.

By her tone and words, I'd say she was pissed off with you not trying harder to show you did appreciate what she did. Admittedly she has gone about things completely wrong but clearly has been feeling a lot of resentment towards you.

At the end of the day, if you two can't communicate effectively it's time to move on so don't engage anymore with her.

I just think declining money/help when they actually need it, then stewing about it and erupting into such a rage are passive aggressive idiots.

For me, it was the way that it all came out that was so unacceptable. I am not used to being spoken to like that.

I suspect that you and your friend have a different cultural convention around offering and receiving money. When you offered and she said "No" she was probably not expecting you to take her at her word. If it had been her in your position she might have been more like this.

When I lived in Berlin I was briefly friendly with a woman from Alabama (so both of us living outside of our usual cultures). I'm very literal and people from Alabama never directly say what they mean. It got a little awkward. We both made other friends instead.

I do think it would be a good idea to invest in proper closure of the friendship, send an email saying that you feel there was an unfortunate communication issue and wish her the best for the future, ensure her books get back to her by a means that is convenient for her and send her a cheque to cover the rest of your half of the petrol money, her flask and the teabags. And then never contact her again, and don't brood about it.

Normally on mumsnet the IP gets much support as they write things in a more positive light to reflect their own take on a situation as they believe they are right.

Given that this hasn't been the case for you, despite the fact that you can't see it, I think you'd do well to wonder why people aren't agreeing with you and don't see you in a completely positive light. Best of luck...and in the meantime Nyj's suggestion of looking at the postage as part of the money you saved from not paying half the petrol is a good one to extricate yourself from this ASAP (get them signed for too).

You're behaviour in stating cost as a reason not to return the books as requested isn't appropriate and is rude, the very things you've accused her of.