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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex(sorry!!!!)

75 replies

Tyedye · 14/11/2006 10:33

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totaleclipse · 14/11/2006 10:35

If you dont want to have sex then dont, dont let him bully you into it, stand your ground.

Mell2 · 14/11/2006 10:36

If you are unhappy with him/your relationship it is only natural you are not going to want to have sex with him.

Callisto · 14/11/2006 10:37

Tyedye, if you would rather cut your husbands throat then have sex with him maybe you should be thinking about separating?

doggiesayswoof · 14/11/2006 10:37

This is a thorny one. I would say no way should you be pressurised into having sex with him if you don't want to, but OTOH I'm very worried by your comment 'I'd rather cut his throat'. What if he said that about you?

Have you had relationship counselling?

frazzledazzle · 14/11/2006 10:40

If you're unhappy,angry or upset with someone it's only natural you don't want sex with them.

Original poster
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 10:41

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Original poster
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 10:43

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doggiesayswoof · 14/11/2006 10:45

Don't have sex with him then. If I was working up to leave someone, having sex with him would make me sick too. (And I know it's complicated leaving a relationship, because I've done it, and I don't want to sound glib, but don't wait too long to leave, it will not do your self esteem any good).

Take care of yourself

Original poster
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 10:45

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Callisto · 14/11/2006 10:45

In that case Tyedye, I would get out asap, esp if you have children. Abusive relationships generally escalate. Why are you still with him?

Original poster
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 10:46

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doggiesayswoof · 14/11/2006 10:47

Sorry tyedye x-posts. I'm only on here occasionally and I hadn't read your other threads. for you.

totaleclipse · 14/11/2006 10:47

You cant live like that, take your kds and your belongings and go, can your local council/housing association help?

Original poster
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 10:47

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MusicLover · 14/11/2006 10:52

It sounds (to me) as the way he is making you feel is making you not want to have sex with him.

You can make love to him if he is loving towards you, but if he is a bastard (which sounds that way to me) then you will be just having sex & thats just not enough!
SEx isnt the be all & end all!
Its the relationship that needs working at before the sex can be dealt with.
No-one should be forced into having sex if they dont feel like it. Whats the point! Does he want to have sex with someone whos not interested in it just for "shaggings sake" ?
How long have you been together?

Callisto · 14/11/2006 10:53

Rehome the pets, sell the house, find somewhere else to live. Your children will be seriously screwed up if you stay.

But you know all this. What are you waiting for?

doggiesayswoof · 14/11/2006 10:56

OK, I'm not defending him, but trying to look at it from his point of view. I assume he doesn't know you are planning to leave? So he expects sex, as most men would I guess, and he's manipulative, so he will twist your words and use emotional blackmail to get what he wants from you. I suspect he may even believe he is 'right' - IME manipulative people are usually good at deluding themselves as well.

Stand your ground and make your plans, and be easy on yourself.

mumblechum · 14/11/2006 10:57

First of all, Tyedye, don't leave. If separation is inevitable (and I'm not clear from your posts whether it absolutely is), then it'll be much less upsetting for the children if it's him who goes, not you.
Re. the mortgage, etc, if he does move out and stops paying the mortgage, make a claim straight away for housing benefit from your local authority. It'll take forever for them to start paying anything, so in the meantime tell your lender what's happened and ask for a payment holiday.
Also make a claim either for tax credits if you're working more than 16 hrs pweek, or income support if you're not. The I.S. people will get the CSA to make him pay child maintenance.
The message from me is, don't let practical/financial stuff stop you from ending the relationship if that's what you really want. There are systems in place to help you and your children in these circumstances.

doggiesayswoof · 14/11/2006 10:58

The split will be hard for the dc but will be sooo much better for them in the long run. And they do not need to stop seeing their dad.

Original poster
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 11:01

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Tyedye · 14/11/2006 11:03

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totaleclipse · 14/11/2006 11:04

If he is abusive, involve the police, if he wont go voluntarily (sp) have him removed.

Original poster
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 11:09

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Tyedye · 14/11/2006 11:14

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mumblechum · 14/11/2006 11:18

Tyedye, I could ramble on all day about your rights, give you advice about divorce/financial settlements etc and if you need that, email me on [email protected]. Otherwise, get another lawyer via www.resolution.co.uk. I don't know about your financial circs, but you may qualify for public funding. To check your eligibility, go to www.legalservicescommision.gov.org.