Upset by estranged husbands comments on parenthood

[Rocklover]

Hi,

Husband came to visit DD last week and made some comments that upset me very much, opinions would be welcome. For those of you who don't know the history, one of the reasons we split is that I really didn't want to put DD in childcare form 8-6 every day which would have happened if I had worked full time. For those of you who do work FT, please don't be offended, this is only how I feel personally and I believe everyone has to make the right choice for them.

Anyway (phew) husband had visited a friend in London who had relayed him the following story about a brother of his. Basically this guy had split up with his wife who then met someone else and took the kids and moved up the Manchester. The father wanted to be near his kids so much that he left his well paid, "successful" job and moved up to Manchester ro a much lesser job in order to be with his kids (which I though was nice). Apparently, even though he is very loving and affectionate and takes them out alot they think he is a loser and have no respect for him. On the back of this story my husband (looking to comapre me to this guy I suspect) was saying that although love is very important (really???) it is just as vital for the parent to prove thmeselves to be very successful, which is now his goal, or said child will not love and respect parent.

The thing that shocks me is that he believes that this is a normal attitude for kids, I certainly never felt that way about my father, who had a manual job and if DD was ever like that I would feel I had failed as a parent...do kids really value money and position more than love and affection??? I think not! Not only that he was saying (in a very "politician" way) that I lacked goals and ambitions (i.e career) and that if we wanted to get back together we needed to both be looking at how to improve and become successful as a couple (like a fucking business).

Oh and to put the icing on the cake he said that DD would be better off in FT childcare as at the moment not being in any childcare at all could be harming her ( a direct jibe at me, he knows I am desperately looking for PT work so I can get her into a nursery or something for a little time each week).

Basically he is trying to point out that he is father of the year and I am pretty crap, trying to justify and prove that the marriage breakdown was solely down to me (although he would never admit it). I know my situation isn't ideal (now living with parents whilst he has bought new build flat), but DD is surrounded by love and is thriving, he was supposed to visit two evenings a week, which he has yet to manage and have her every other weekend, and thus he cancelled last weekend citing he was busy marking (but managed to pop down to London and skive off school on Monday).

Sorry for the epic but I am very angry and upset and really feel he is trying to undermine my abilities as a mother.

I think that's normal in a divorce. Both people usually say hurtful things to the other. Also if you work he has to pay you less support. There could be all kinds of hidden agendas to his comments. I suppose when we're hurt and upset by a partner people often say things they wouldn't if you were in a close loving relationship.

There's no point in our debating on here whether working parents or stay at home parents do best for their children. The fact is he can't change your choice. If he were being helpful he'd offer to have the children more so you had more time to do whatever you choose to do instead of just criticising you.

anniemac, totally agree it's not gender specific, this kind of bad behaviour that lots of people do in the wake of a break up because they're in a state of shock and all over the place emotionally. I obviously wasn't very clear, but I was thinking more of how society at large and the media responds to it. And in that case, I do think that men are given the benefit of the doubt where women aren't (and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that people are given the benefit of the doubt and then allowed to repair the damage they've done, people aren't robots and don't always do the right thing when they're in emotional turmoil and of course they shouldn't be condemned as "bad" mothers or "bad" fathers if they scew up for a bit. I don't believe in any such thing as "bad" or "good" parents anyway (except in very extreme cases), I think we're all both depending on what day you catch us on - I'm being a crap one today ).

But F4J would never have been so successful in their PR campaign, if there hadn't been a willing mysogynist media receptive and eager to hear their stories and turn a blind eye to the behaviour of the men involved. And it is important to acknowledge that, because women are being threatened with custodial sentences and community service for their bad behaviour, while for theirs, men are being threatened with... er, nothing. And the stock pantomime villain of bitter twisted ex wife who denies contact unreasonably in order to "get back" at her ex, has gone into public consciousness, while the man who pisses about with contact, just hasn't entered public consciousness in the same way because the media isn't as interested in it - possibly because it is a more nebulous and complex problem than simple denial of access. I do think these images are important because they influence law makers, judges etc. - nobody's immune to media stereotypes. (And the effect of them has ripples on real-life families.) That's what my frustration is - the inequality of emphasis, I suppose. I can't resist the urge to comment on it whenever I come across it...

Hear, hear, Caligula. I think institutional sexism is as bad as insitutional racism but it goes unrecognised.

I think it is the worst thing any of us as parents could experience to be denied contact with our children. All mothers can understand how they would feel and some mothers are put in that position. That's why I feel bodies like F4J have done children of this country a good service and it's about time the courts were stricter with parents of either sex who breach court orders.

Separately a much bigger problem si the one I have but no one wants to publicise it - that many more fathers refuse to see their children much or at all. Many many many more than those who want contact and are denied it. The law can (sometimes) force a mother to make chidlren available for contact but they will never force a man to take the contact even if the court order says every other weekend. He can just say - oh feel like a morning having sex with my new girl friend so I won't bother turning up today and the court pats him on the back and says that's fine - contact is something you can take on a whim and it's fine not to bother exercising the right.