Miss my DH so much since he left.

[Sweetsecret]

Hi, I am just needing to vent.
My husband left me two months ago.
Saying he no longer was in love with me, he said he needed some space and didn't know what the future held.
he said "it took time for us to unravel so would take time for us to "ravel" back together"
So I thought that he was at least considering there could be hope for us.
I am devastated, I feel so depressed and lonely.
He said he wanted to spend time with our children every weekend and that he still wanted to see me every night have dinner etc, but he needed to sleep at a relatives house, just to have some space.
Obviously I have asked if there is someone else, he says no. And I actually believe him.
I am just hurting so much, and find it difficult seeing him, but when I don't I miss him so much.
He just acts like nothing has happened and is very nice and somedays we have actually enjoyed spending time together, it's like for a few hours I forget we are seperated and we have a good laugh together.
Then he leaves and it hits me again.
I want to save my marriage, I am confused as to whether he does.
I don't want to keep hoping and be in this situation six month to a year down the line.
But if I distance myself will that be it? will I lose him forever.
The situation now is that we only see him at weekends, as I was finding it difficult watching him leave, but I miss him so much during the week.
I look forward to seeing him at the weekends and I know this isn't healthy as if he doesn't want to be my husband anymore, I am looking forward to seeing someone who sees me as nothing more than a friend and the mother of his children.
I have people in RL telling me what I should do all differing opinions and I am just so torn.
Do couples reunite from things like this? is there any point in me holding out any hope?
Urgh, I must sound so pathetic. I love him and I miss him.

God sorry Op posted that on completely the wrong thread! Please ignore!

That's okay, xx

You're doing really well OP. Taking control like this and setting your own boundaries will pay dividends for you in the long run. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide what goes on and showing him that he can do all the navel gazing he wants but not on YOUR time, can only be a good thing

It's time to link that song again, isn't it...

Well done op for taking back control and making those first steps. It's really hard to do but you've now put yourself on the path to healing instead of being stuck in limbo with the waiting and not knowing.

I became a bit obsessed about wanting my ex to regret his actions. He did eventually but by then I felt indifference and actually a bit sorry for him so I never got to revel in it. The best revenge has been living well though. Wishing you lots of luck and we'll be here to hand hold .

sweetsecret your posts made me a bit sad because you sound lovely and you have given him every chance, but he hasn't really taken it and that must be very hard to come to terms with. You have definitely done the right thing, you can't carry on living in limbo and if he wanted to save the marriage, he could have done so by saying he wanted to at that stage, but he didn't, he just slunk off. Your mum sounds great and her advice is sound- start rebuilding now. I hope it works out for you.

Thankyou Baies, yes I think proper boundaries are in order. I am preparing myself for an emotional rollarcoaster as I know at times I will feel desperate but I am going to take it a day at a time. Annie! that link really cheered me up! love that song anyway and boy does it have a whole other meaning now!

Yes, you need to take control, don't let him call the shots!

Cannot believe the cheek of him wanting the meals and weekend time with kids (I guess less keen on the boring homework/discipline side of week time parenting), and being free to sleep around and have a new girlfriend for sex (which he may or may not have).

Just to be harshly realistic here, I have never heard yet of a man who left a family home and a marriage that was "ok", even if not perfect, UNLESS he already had another woman waiting somewhere else. I know lost of friends and acquaintances who thought or were sure ether was nobody else, but I do not know a single case where the man left, and there wasn't actually somebody else.

Maybe your H is an exception though.

Still, stop letting him call the shots! Don't let him walk all over you. He won't come back to a doormat, if you want him to come back.

Start getting angry, stop cooking his meals FFS, PLEASE don't allow to be treated with so little respect.

Tell him it is not convenient. If he has indeed moved out, just change the locks so he has to ring the doorbell like anyone else who does not live in your home

Take a little time, to think things over (listen to that song, it has some truth!).

Thankyou Crime, Yeah can't live in this limbo anymore, I deserve better. My mum and I have had a strained relationship over the years as I was a child of a very difficult divorce (I think thats why i have been so accomodating)so I think I always was angry with her for being so angry, this has given me some serious perspective that she was just hurting and I know how that feels. So if anything comes from this it's that I have a better understanding of her.
I just have to start dealing with the fact that my marriage is over and the man I married is no longer there, he isn't him anymore.
Packing up more of his stuff today.

Yeah baby, funnily enough a few years back some friends of ours seperated and my H said "men don't leave unless there is someone else" and it turned out there was.
I don't know, I have given him every opportunity to tell me, with no confrontation.
He says not, he says he is in no position to be with anyone at the moment, he just wants to be alone.
Whether I believe him I don't know.
But it's by the by really, he has left.
And I have to carry on for my lovely children, and they are so lovely.
He has given up on them more than anything.
I said I wasn't prepared for me to have to do the daily grind of parenting when he got to come over at the weekends and be "fun dad" I said I wanted a day at the weekend so I could have fun with them too.
I arranged for him to pick them up on Sunday, and he still said "if you want to join us you can?" I just showed me that he is living in the fantasy that he doesn't have the responsibility of the family, bit still wants to do the fun stuff as a family.
We did it a few times and I would spend that night crying myself to sleep because it just reminded me what I was loosing, this wonderful family. So that's when I realised it had to stop, in hope over time you stop missing what you don't have.x

I am sorry you are going through this sweet, but one day at a time and all that.

Be clear what your boundaries are (as I think you are doing!) and don't let him walk all over you.

I really don't understand how some men can just leave their families, it is incomprehensible to me. Maybe he will only realise the damage he is doing including to himself) once you draw clear lines in the sand.

Make sure your financial and paperwork is in order and you have money in accounts he cannot touch. Once the chips are down, some men turn nasty and block access to joint accounts. Best to be prepared.

Thanks everyone. Yes, it probably is another woman. And right now I just think good luck to him, he's going to need it. he gave up something so special, and I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life.

Am so sorry you are having to go through this. If you really think that he's not seeing someone else another possibility is that he's suffering from depression...... Maybe he could try getting some counselling or see his GP. If it's not that then you moving on and making it clear to him that he can't have his cake and eat it is best!

Hi Northern, yes you have hit the nail on the head there,he is suffering from depression. He has a docs appointment on Saturday, he says he feels he is on the brink of a breakdown. I think he has had one already.
That's why I was so accomodating I thought he needed support and I did but it now becoming detrimental to me and how I am feeling. x

They often say that depression can be just as hard on the ill persons loved ones as on the patient themselves. So am I very sorry you and your kids are having to go through this.
I myself have experienced major depression and breakdown which is why when I read your thread your husbands behavior sounded an alarm bell in my mind. It's good to hear that he will see a doctor this week as depression is an illness, and if you ask me one of the worst ones, as it can take everything from you. I ended up losing my job and almost lost everyone I loved and cared for due to isolating myself and trying to push those I loved most away. What I guess I'm trying to say is that when you're feeling like that and you push people away it's not because you don't love them. It's the way the illness can manifest......
Once he's seen the doctor it can take quite some time for antidepressants to work, from a week to a month depending on the person and if he feels like he's on the brink of a breakdown/already had one, and I think he already has too.....

I think it's good that you tried to support him but I also think that you letting him know that things can't continue like this (and it can't as it's not fair on you!) was good as it's perhaps served as a catalyst for him to get the medical help he needs......

There's only so much you and your kids can take and you need to do what is best for you and your family. Your mental health is just as important and you too need to take care of yourself.

Once again I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this.
Sorry for my overly long post!

Hi Northern, Thankyou for your post. I can relate as I have suffered with depression on and off for most of my adult life too. He says it's this that has driven a wedge between us. I have been okay for a few years now after having serious PND after my 2 year old was born. So like you said I saw the signs in him as well having been through it myself. I hope he gets what he needs from the GP to feel better, but like you said I need to distance myself while he sorts himself out.
I am not aiming to be nasty to him I will be kind as always but that doesn't mean I can be trodden on. I think that's why I was so upset, I have been through it myself and I never once thought of abandoning my family, but it's the first thing he did. x

Felt after my last post I had to comment on this thread itself. I don't have any words of wisdom op but you sound such a lovely person and you sound so sad. I hope one day your suffering eases and you are able to live a happy fulfilled life.. X

Thankyou Soozey, I appreciate that a lot. Hopefully after some time I can move on and start to be happy again.x

Am so sorry again this has happen to you, especially after you have already been through so much. Sorry my earlier post was so long, I just felt that only those who have had depression can understand it, but I see now that you clearly do. You need to focus on yourself now and make sure you are well taken care of during this difficult time. Surround yourself with family and friends. Maybe on the days that he takes the DCs plan to do something that you just haven't been able to do since you've not had the time. Go shopping, get a massage.... whatever you need to do to feel a bit better....I really hope you begin to feel better soon.

Thankyou Nothern, I really appreciate it. I plan on having a wander round the shops on Sunday and having a coffee, it's not often I get to do that without a pushchair in tow so I will look forward to it.x

Well, the first weekend I was trying to keep my distance from estranged H, and I have put my back out again (an ongoing problem have had since uni), could barely move! So my day of shopping and coffee straight out of the window, he ended up doing a food shop, hoovering and washing up for me.
I felt terrible as I just wanted to give him a massive hug for helping me, but I know it would just end in me being upset as I still miss him.
Then tonight I was looking for a DVD in a draw and found and old anniversary card from him from our third wedding anniversary. he wrote "you and me, forever and always" I had a good five minute cry and then picked myself up off the floor (well, that took longer, due to the bad back! pah!)
Just feel sad, and my back isn't helping my mood.

Stay strong, as someone who is 2 months on in very similar circumstances to yourself. It is an emotional rollercoaster. Also prepare yourself that there maybe someone else in the background. I never considered it but unfortunately have found this to be the case. Good luck & be kind to yourself.

thanks nj, yes I am preparing myself for that. sorry this has happened to you. it sucks.xxx

Well, what a bloody week.
I ended up being admitted into hospital due to my back. was in for five days and during that time I couldn't walk, couldn't wee. Thought I was facing a future having to wear a catheter so was very stressful.
H, took two days off work to look after the kids and brought them to see me, he was being very supportive as I was quite distressed at times.
I was discharged yesterday morning and he came to pick me up, he dropped me off at home and said right well I have stuff to do see you. and just left me alone to look after the kids! baring in mind I am very unsteady on my feet and in pain.
I couldn't bloody believe it, just shows how little he thinks of me now.