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Original poster

Does anyone else think domesticity is inevitably a passion killer?

37 replies

jasper · 13/11/2006 23:33

Can you tell I am a little sad and wistful tonight?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/11/2006 23:34

Are you drunk?

notasheep · 13/11/2006 23:35

Sunday times thinks we may all be raving lesbians

helsy · 13/11/2006 23:35

Yes, I do.
G'night (goes off to bed where DH is snoring loudly in a room FULL of clean washing that needs putting away)

WideWebWitch · 13/11/2006 23:49

I used to think so. When I was in my 20s and having flings with wildly unsuitable (er, attached) men, I absolutely, 100% didn't want to know anything about the minutae of their lives, no way. I didn't want to get involved in washing or cleaning or any of that stuff and I didn't want to know what they were like when they were sick or down. I just wanted the nice, easy, fun, sexy bits, nothing else. What can I say? I was young, I was shallow.

But over the last 15 years, I've decided that a relationship's about all the domestic stuff AND the nice glam sexy bits, although there are definitely fewer of them once children come along and work and life get in the way and one day you wake up and you're middle aged and too knackered to think about anything but sleep.

I love dh far, far more now I've seen him be a great and involved father and pull his weight in the house. And now I feel we're a solid partnership because we share bringing up children/earning cash/boring domesticity. There are lots of boring bits in our lives (helped enormously by having a cleaner and taking every other corner cutting tactic we can) but somehow no, it hasn't killed any passion for us. I say that but maybe there would be even more if there was NO domesticity/drudgery but hey, life's nto like that is it?

I do wish there was less domesticity - I like the cooking/being together/with children stuff but I detest the boring bits (well, those that I do) and I could very happily live a life of luxury, never picking up a dishcloth again. Someone on I'm a Celebrity Get me out of here said tonight "I could happily live the rest of my life in a hotel" - me too!

Wots up Jasper anyway, what's brought this on? Want to tell us?

moondog · 13/11/2006 23:53

Nicely put WWW.

However am glad I did my 'frolicking' (well,that's one word for it)too.

I just don't get young girls who want to shack up with blokes straight away.

How unsexy is that????

kama · 14/11/2006 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WideWebWitch · 14/11/2006 00:08

Do you know what? When I first met a man I SO didn't want to know what time he went for a poo every day. And that's one of the domestic things you find out about someone fairly fast if you spend a few days with them! (sorry for TMI but this really, really used to get to me! I am older now, I can cope with it - weirdo I know!)

Jasper, you there or have you left us? I must go to bed ina minute too. I couldn't sleep but this has distracted me nicely! (mn I mean)

moondog · 14/11/2006 00:11

Yes Kama.
Mind you,knowing that you are an unstoppable sex machine,I'm sure the odd spot of hoovering and the occasional pair of skid marked boxers doesn't put you off your stroke.

So to speak.

WideWebWitch · 14/11/2006 00:12

ewww, ewww, please moondog, NO! THAT is the kidn of thing I am talking about!

moondog · 14/11/2006 00:12

My mother says separate bathrooms are the only way to go....

PinkTinsel · 14/11/2006 01:07

black boxers - what you don't see can't hurt you

i also shacked up with my dp very young (18). although i must admit i fitted a fair bit of frolicking in before that, an embaressing amount really .

i think domesticity can be incredibly attractive, as long as you try not to turn into a frumpy housewife along the way! pride in a shared home and raising your childen well is a bond so intense it makes me love dp far more than i ever could if we were simply 'going out' and this intensity extends to every aspect of our relationship.

giraffeski · 14/11/2006 01:11

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 14/11/2006 09:36

'I just don't get young girls who want to shack up with blokes straight away.

How unsexy is that???? '

I think that's actually quite lovely.

I hope my girls find their long-term partner young.

I frolicked. And whilst there was fun involved w/that, there was also a fair amount of pain and emotional hurt that went w/that.

And how sexy is HPV? Or finding out the bloke went back to his wife, is into other men, fairies, S&M, etc., has a substance problem, wants you to bark like a dog, or just a plain old twunt who doesn't give a toss about anyone or anything but himself.

I hope my girls aren't afraid to go for a good thing when they see and bugger everyone who tells them there's no way they can possibly know what happiness is in a long-term partnership unless they've screwed around.

I hope they're able to spot the prince w/o having to kiss a lot of frogs.

Cuz let's face it, frogs make sorry bed fellows.

foxinsocks · 14/11/2006 09:43

notasheep - I read that article, it did make me chuckle (I'll see if there's an online link!).

I was also a frolicker expat and I can't say I regret that. Neither dh or I do domesticity very well at all so we try to ignore it and not let it get in the way of our relationship!

foxinsocks · 14/11/2006 09:45

Here it is - having it both ways

expatinscotland · 14/11/2006 09:48

I can't say I regret it, fox, at least not most of it. It is what it is. I was immature. What I regret were a lot of opportunities that I let slip b/c I bought into this whole idea that screwing around was a prereq to being happy w/a long-term partner.

If people want to do that, fine. More power to 'em so long as they're single and honest about what they're doing, both to themselves and their partners.

But I find it a shame that something to precious as just ordinary life gets branded as unsexy.

'Domesticity' is part of life, unless you have pots of money to hire others to handle it for you. And even then, you've got to coordinate all those efforts on some level.

So why make it out to be a demon when it's pretty unavoidable?

Doesn't make sense to me.

joelallie · 14/11/2006 09:50

I think that familiarity is inevitably a passion killer TBH. You spend years with the same person and although the love may grow, the passion (if by that you mean lust) will probably diminish somewhat. Domestic duties don't help mind you. I love my DH when I see him being a good father and doing all the tedious little jobs that parenthood requires, but I don't suddenly want to jump him.

joelallie · 14/11/2006 09:58

expat - I agree with you. I think part of the problem is that we have to see everything as 'sexy'. Sometimes life is just life - take as it comes. There is nothing sexy or unsexy about domesticity - it's just the way it is. Take it or leave but don't take it and expect it to be something other than it is.

FWIW I did very little frollicking. I met DH when I was 17 - we had a few years apart when I was at uni and I did some minor 'frollicking' then but we kept getting back together and ended up living together after I left. Did it affect me? Yes - I ended up having a brief extra marital frolic a year after we married and it haunts me. I enjoyed being made to feel special and desirable by someone other than DH. But it wasn't worth the guilt and the risk that it might have broken up a good relationship. So I think a little prior frollicking is probably a good basis to a marriage but once that is over accept that life is going to be very different, and in so many ways, better.

moondog · 14/11/2006 12:17

Joe,I agree that too much emphasis on what is 'sexy' and I abhor the way it is emphasised at every angle nowadays.
.
However,surely there is a time in your life when you can just be shallow???

Maybe it's just me then?

joelallie · 14/11/2006 13:19

Of course there is a time when you can just be shallow - but perhaps that time isn't when you're a wife/partner and parent???

moondog · 14/11/2006 14:50

Blimey no.
Am as deep as Loch Ness now that am middle aged matron.

doormat · 14/11/2006 14:53

girls you can never be too old to 'frolic'

theUrbanDryad · 14/11/2006 14:55

love the point in the article about not having to sleep in the wet patch! could well ahem swing it for me!!

foxinsocks · 14/11/2006 14:58

I know there are a few people on here who have been with their partner since they were 16/17/18 but I really don't think I could have 'settled down' (hate that phrase!) until the age I did.

In fact, I think I (and most of my friends at that time) needed plenty of years of frolicking and experimenting and being shallow.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2006 14:59

Lesbians have domestic chores to do, too!

If you don't like the wet patch, get your arse out of bed, grap a towel, and lay it down over the patch. Then get back in bed and go to sleep.

Duh.

I'm not gay, so I'll take a wet patch over a woman any day.