What kind of a man has an affair?

[ohyeahright]

Please, tell me, what kind of a man has an affair?

Not sure how much detail to put on here at this stage but really, is there ever an acceptable excuse for having an affair?
Things haven't been great for a long time but is an affair ever justifiable?

A horny one.

I honestly don't think you can pigeon hole people as those who would or wouldn't have an affair

Ignoring serial cheats, most people I know who have had an affair are just normal people with all sorts of personality types

Everyone thinks they're the sort of person who would never start an affair ......until they do!

I would say that circumstances & opportunity are more important factors than being a particular type of person or how strong your marriage seemingly is

People have affairs. No-one is immune. Its always possible, even if you aren't expecting it, don't want it, will refuse. It can happen to anyone.

Some people seek out affairs. That's different.

It would be interesting to know what percentage of affairs get found out, although it would be impossible to measure due to the secrecy of the 'successful' ones.

A. Man.
A weakwilled, poor judge of character unappreciative weak one.

There isn't a type. It can happen to anyone if the circumstances are right.

It's the circumstances that influence a decision like that, IME, not someones core personality.

It's a horrible thing to do but necessarily a horrible person that does it.

my ex went self employed and within weeks was having an affair. I think he felt invincible, he was earning huge amounts of money compared with the job he had left and he seemed to feel he was....amazing, perfect, fantastic. He is still self employed and still behaves in the same way...he's second only to God and even that's a matter of opinion...! He's unpleasant, entitled, angry, controlling and downright abusive. He wasn't always those things - something changed in him and for me it corresponds with the self employment.

I don't think we had a great marriage, but we certainly didn't have a bad one up until the point he starting sleeping with other women. It very clearly went down hill from that time - that was my fault, of course, because I should have known what was going on and I should have fought for him (his words, not mine).

You can't make this crap up, you really can't.

He sought to cheat, it wasn't a chance circumstance.

He chose not to talk your problems through together, that was his choice too.

In my experience people have affairs for two simple reasons. They're exciting and the sex is AMAZING. This combination does tend to cloud judgment. I wonder how many people regret them?

It's not men. It's not weak men. It's not gambling men. Sorry to the generic 'all men are bastards' posters, you are way wrong on these answers.

It's anyone. Literally any one. Any where, any time, it can happen.

The marriage doesn't have to be on the rocks, one can still be in love with ones partner, and it can happen. So don't blame yourself OP and good luck with sorting things through to which ever resolution you want. Personally, I don't see why a brief affair should affect a long term partnership, a household, a family.

In our little town the last two affairs to have been uncovered were both the wife cheating and both the couples were the unlikeliest you'd have thought, with great lives, kids, houses and both families are back together after trial separations and life is moving on. It can.

Sorry OP just spotted your subsequent post saying that the affair was through a 'dating site' rather than the classic affair with a friend or colleague

I think that is slightly different as demonstrates he clearly went looking for an affair rather than stumbled into one

I'm afraid I would judge him more harshly in these circumstances

shouldn't ask that question on MN

I think that's what has really got me that he clearly went looking and didn't really think to try and discuss sorting our issues out. I can't get my head around whether doing that makes it any different than if it just happened.

Statistically you want to be suspicious of anyone who travels for work...

What kind of man or woman?
Someone who is willing to live with deceit, and lies. Someone who doesn't care about destroying others, even children. Horrible people, don't do it, and don't accept it from another.

I travel for work and I've never cheated on a partner. However, many many married men I have worked with have tried it on.

In answer to your question, one with a penis, from my experience.

I'm a woman and I had an affair (not married, cohabiting at the time). In my case my ex had been ill with chronic pain from shortly after we moved in together and it created a unbalanced dynamic that left me yearning for many things the relationship didn't offer but I felt too responsible to leave. After I kissed the OM something clicked - I did tell my ex the next day I thought it was over and in a way things finished there but what with counselling and just hell it took six months till I moved out. OM was a married work colleague. I think he wasn't a bad man but had been in his relationship since school. In a way, he's stumbled Into to commitments and never 'owned' his decisions. My now husband's ex wife had an affair too. Very reserved, decent woman but their marriage wasn't right and she just cracked. I don't think my husband blames her in the slightest- his feeling was that the marriage had to end and that in a way his wife just helped that to happen.

I'm saying this because I've never bought the idea that make someone who has an affair a 'type' of person. Of course there are tendencies but life is complex. It is more important to look at what happened in your case. I'm really sorry that you're having a difficult time.

Ps apols for typos - autocorrect and wine

A nihilist, sometimes. Someone who has ceased to care and is just looking for an adrenaline rush to make them feel alive again.

I was a visiting officer for veterans welfare a
LONG LONG time ago... Met a lovely man who married his sweetheart . She was diagnosed with MS in her thirties. In a home by 42 as needs were more than he could manage. (He did fifteen years of double incontinence) he met his mistress at 43. Wife is still alive at 70. Should he have divorced her or given up his mistress ? He still visits daily...life is never simple. I will never forget him. I regard this 'cheat' as the most moral man I have ever met.

I was a visiting officer for veterans welfare a
LONG LONG time ago... Met a lovely man who married his sweetheart . She was diagnosed with MS in her thirties. In a home by 42 as needs were more than he could manage. (He did fifteen years of double incontinence) he met his mistress at 43. Wife is still alive at 70. Should he have divorced her or given up his mistress ? He still visits daily...life is never simple. I will never forget him. I regard this 'cheat' as the most moral man I have ever met.

I think sometimes it's because people fancy something a bit new and different. I'm sure lots of people embark on an affair thinking they won't get found out and can have a dalliance without getting caught and still carry on with their normal lives

However things are never that simple because human emotions are messy and further down the line lives are shattered

One who thinks it's "cool", there are websites and apps for it so it is a modern Ok thing to do. One lacking boundaries, a selfish person feeling a bit middle-aged and wanting excitement and a spiritual and emotional connection with someone, anyone shiny and new and to hell with the consequences

Kittens: to be fair what you're talking about is a unique (or at least very rare) situation. Total sadness and sympathy for the guy, but still wouldn't call him a 'moral' man. Very different to most other guys who do it for entirely selfish reasons.