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Original poster

What kind of a man has an affair?

76 replies

ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:03

Please, tell me, what kind of a man has an affair?

Not sure how much detail to put on here at this stage but really, is there ever an acceptable excuse for having an affair?
Things haven't been great for a long time but is an affair ever justifiable?

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 10/06/2015 19:32

So sorry OP Thanks
I agree, you will get lots of support on here.

I don't know why they do it, maybe it's the chase, maybe the risk.
It's a horrible thing to do to anybody, let alone the one person you have made promises of faithfulness to.

Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:33

Things really haven't been right but why didn't he tell me things had got to that stage. It wasn't a chance encounter. He met her on a dating site. I found out it's been going on for 11 months. He's just carried on as before.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:34

I really don't think he thought through what he was doing. Just wanted company and has given no thought to consequences or what he wants in the future.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 10/06/2015 19:36

I don't think it is a type tbh its about opportunity sometimes and maybe an issue in the marriage that he/she feels they can't raise? My friend is one of those super capable women always busy ran the whole show and I think she did everything and he had lots of hobbies etc and he never got a look in at home bar paying for it all. I think he thought she wouldn't notice and tbh she has dealt with it like she does everything although she has stopped telling everyone how great they are compared to the rest of us! I think it can just happen no one should be sure it won't happen to them My ex slept around loads and still treated me really well! He liked the attention and I am completely not suspicious/jealous so was easy. I left him immediately though

workingtoohardmum · 10/06/2015 19:40

Gradually falling for someone a work colleague perhaps , is one thing but to actually log onto a dating site and go looking whilst in a relationship with you is quite calculated .....have I misunderstood your story

Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:41

I'm starting to think it's selfish, gutless, inconsiderate, weak and absolutely careless to treat someone else that way however things are.

I've always thought you should sort your marriage out before you decide to go on to someone else. Why couldn't he do that?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 10/06/2015 19:41

yes seeking it out suggests calculation

Ledkr · 10/06/2015 19:42

I've seen it occur a lot in couples who have been together since they were teens. It was certainly the case with my cheating arse of a man exh

Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:42

workingtoohardmum - you're right! He hooked up with her on a dating site, it was planned to meet someone else! He never gave me any idea that's what he planned to do.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 10/06/2015 19:42

A selfish coward who only cares about himself, that's who.

Instead of, oh, I dunno - opening his gob and talking with the person he claims to love and communicating his needs, thoughts, feelings and fears, he goes to find another warm body.

Then bleats about how terribly hard it all is for him when he gets caught. And how sorry he is (that he got caught)

Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:44

It was calculated. Why if he's so calculating could he not calculate himself out of a relationship first decently. To the rest of the world he's so decent!

OP posts:
springalong · 10/06/2015 19:46

Even a "gradually falling" (what bloody crap) is still not OK. The sort of person who has an affair is a liar. The morals don't ever seem to come back.

Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:48

Well, yes, he has said he's sorry but said because things were so awkward he did it. Not sure there was much love between us before, certainly not much now.
I never thought he'd do this though. Can't believe it wasn't just something that happened either.
Everyone things he's so responsible, got such a decent job, providing for the family, going out as a family, such a stable man...
Apparently, he's seen her fairly regularly so not just a fling either.

OP posts:
workingtoohardmum · 10/06/2015 19:48

Some men like overlaps ...They want a nice warm bed to jump.right into ...before they leave the one they are in ....he's pretty shallow and clearly doesn't consider you , ...I'm sorry

FeijoaSundae · 10/06/2015 19:51

It's a tired, old cliché, but a lot of people think they can have their cake and eat it, too.

Many, in fact, do for a while. A combination of events arises, they dip their toe in, they get away with the deception required to maintain an affair, they think they won't be found out. They believe they won't be.

And then when they are found out, and everyone's lives changes forever, they're left completely bewildered. They didn't have the wherewithal to foresee how it would turn out. Or they refused to imagine it.

Because if they had imagined it as accurately as it inevitably does fall out, they probably wouldn't have done it.

Some people ride off into the sunset with the OW/OM, but even many of them don't exactly live happily ever after. Most people who've cheated live a very altered life altogether, and in the case of men, it almost always impacts negatively on their relationship with their children. even if it's as basic as not living with them anymore.

badow · 10/06/2015 19:52

It's definitely not clear cut.

I'm not even sure if you want my point of view here but I've been the OW, had a thread a month back and got absolutely slaughtered.

Anyway, I went on a married people's dating site and during the time I was on it I met with five different men.

I found it interesting that only one admitted to being in a crappy marriage. The other four told me they all loved and adored their wives still, they just wanted to try something new.

And it was astonishing how normal these blokes seemed, so i really don't think there is a type.

The one guy I was actually properly seeing for a while had his conscience caught up with him and ended it to go back and make amends with his wife.

workingtoohardmum · 10/06/2015 19:53

Springalong your right 'gradually falling' is
Still.not right ........

workingtoohardmum · 10/06/2015 19:56

When is lying and deceit ever ok ??

Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:56

He did think he'd get away with it but I found some evidence. He didn't deny it (probably because things haven't been good between us for so long) and has told me he got her involved because she thought we were separating and then it went on.
No idea what to do now.

OP posts:
RobinandRowena · 10/06/2015 19:57

badow, Can I ask you why you went on a MM site? i don't want to 'flame' you, just interested.

Original poster
ohyeahright · 10/06/2015 19:58

It really is the deceit and that he wanted to keep having it all. I think they got fairly emotionally and physically involved.

OP posts:
blingers526 · 10/06/2015 19:58

Your husband sounds like the man I was fooled by.
Men cheat because they are weak and want some excitement, dating sites are an anonymous way of doing it, they can be who they really want to be.
Sorry it's happened to you, hope you are your children have some support in rl.

badow · 10/06/2015 19:59

Robin:

I'm not happy in my marriage and I wanted that feeling back in my tummy, the butterflies, you get when you've just met someone new.

It obviously made it all worse so I'm not doing it anymore. It was for the thrill. And because I'm a shit person.

Taghain · 10/06/2015 20:22

Any average person could be unfaithful in the right or wrong circumstances. Seeking affection or approval of other people if your marriage is cold is one reason, excitement is another. From what I gather, often it's the most loving and family-oriented people who end up having affairs - perhaps because they are affectionate, and share that too readily.

Rinkydinkypink · 10/06/2015 20:27

A weak one!

Honestly all men/people are capable of having affairs. None of them should.

It's cowardly, selfish and so hurtful.