Confidence knocked - did I do the wrong things by my DP?

[yourstrulyjudy]

I have posted before about my relationship, and I have NC because I just want opinions on the facts given, so I can have fresh input (please be understanding about this!). I am doing better, but I keep questioning my behavior with my ex and wondering if it was me that caused the problems - I guess that's natural but I do tend to blame myself/look at my actions generally, and so this is no different. I think it would just help to understand my faults, I suppose.

We lived together for over a year on the doorstep to his work, and when I got a new job I asked if he would move more to the middle, so our commutes were equal (mine still longer, actually). He was reluctant, despite telling me he wanted to marry me and couldn't imagine life without me. He changed his mind lots, and we got to the point where we were about to sign for a tenancy in the middle of our places of work, and on the morning we were to do it, he changed his mind...again. I was devastated and was angry/upset. His reaction was to disappear to his parents' for 3 days, and to not see me at the weekend because he wanted 'space', all the while telling me he loved me and he wasn't re considering us, but the pressure had just got to him. I was left feeling VERY insecure, confused, hurt, etc etc and very lonely. If I had hurt him I wouldn't have been thinking about me..I would have been doing everything to make him feel loved and to show I was sorry for messing him about.

Anyway, we moved past that, (looking back I'm not sure how, as he refused to live in the middle and we lived apart), and he started being utterly shit at communication. Not in a nasty way, but from one week to the next I never knew when I was seeing him etc. He also started talking to his mum about things, and at one point, another woman, rather than me, which I found unsettling (big things, like where he wanted to live).

BUT, he did some lovely things for me. Buying dinner, always drove to see me, would say he loved me, cook for me, buy me treats etc. And when it all came to a head he said he felt pressured by me. This has made me question myself and who I am... was I wrong to expect my DP to move to the middle when my job changed? Was it unfair of me to be excited about still living together? Was I too intense?

I feel like I acted normally, but him saying he felt pressured has made me query whether the break up was all my fault. It's knocked my confidence in myself in relationships. I don't want to mess up again.

It sounds like your behaviour was fine, normal. His, on the other hand, was awful. He lied, he prevaricated, he was dishonest and deceitful.

You're well out of it.

Now, get thee to a counsellor and talk it all out there. Get your confidence raised and reclaim your belief in yourself and your ability to make decisions.

It's all very well, looking back at one's behaviour with a critical eye towards becoming a better person and not repeating mistakes, but you're stuck at the moment, and you need someone to give you a bit of a shove

I had one of these, talked a good talk (still does) but can't/ won't do the walk. Ex has a pathological need to be the good guy, saying all the right things to me whilst telling friends behind my back that he was only sticking around for DD (but who at his request doesn't see).

I realised during the relationship postmortem that his twatishness wasn't a recent development, I had treated them like isolated incidents but with the benefit of hindsight, it was part of a pattern. I stuck around for far to long waiting for him to be honest and failing to see the disconnect between his blah, blah, blah and his actions.

Ultimately you were incompatible but that was obscured by his 'tell her what she wants to hear' attitude and your need to believe him.

Your boyfriend behaved very badly by pulling out of moving at the last minute.

However, Toffeelatteplease is spot on.

I actually told him I wouldn't take the job if he was uncomfortable with having to move (and I meant it!!)

You may not have given him an ultimatum about your relationship, but you certainly did about your job. You basically told him "I'll give up my dream job for you if you don't want to move."

I think this was a huge amount of pressure to put on somebody. He didn't want to be responsible for you giving a job you really wanted.

This, in itself, doesn't make him selfish, or unfit for long term relationships.

Compromise is certainly vital in relationships. But too much compromise can leave partners feeling resentful if they're the ones who've given up something, or, yes, pressured, if they've "made" their partner give up something important/meaningful.

It's like, "She's given up her dream job for me, now I must make her happy and give up something I really want for her." That's pressure!

I think that relationships, in the long term, are happier and more stable when couples have relatively few big issues they need to compromise on. That's where compatibility comes in. You want to be on the same page concerning life's biggest issues, so that, if possible, nobody has to give up something that's vitally important to them. Everyone has lines they won't cross. Your ex's line at this point was moving away.

As an extreme example, there's a current thread with a woman in her late thirties who wants children. Her partner doesn't. Both are entirely legitimate viewpoints, but if they stay in their relationship, somebody will end up compromising on something hugely important. It's possible for two decent people who love each other to be incompatible.

It doesn't have to be anyone's "fault," and it doesn't necessarily mean that the people aren't capable of finding lasting happiness with somebody else.

It really hurts to end a relationship with someone you care about, but I think it's far better that you broke up when you did, rather than later on when, perhaps, children and entangled finances were involved.

As previous posters have said, you were fundamentally incompatible.

You haven't done anything wrong, OP.

He hasn't done anything wrong in that he has different priorities to you. However, he did go about things the wrong way and was not upfront with you about what he wanted.

That may be because he's a coward, or because he didn't want to let you down until he realised he just couldn't go through with it.

Either way, you were not on the same page.

If being at a particular gym is more important than living with your DP, then I genuinely pity than person

But this wasn't the choice was it? You could still live together - it just meant your commute would be longer and more inconvenient for you.

It's not "gym or live together"; it's "gym or move for your convenience".

And I don't agree - if you really enjoy exercise, a place you love makes it all the more fun and is a big part of your lifestyle. If you are not a big exerciser/physically active you won't get it.

I suspect that the gym was only one part of it though. It's more likely a whole lifestyle package - close to his work, happy near his friends etc etc that he didn't want to disrupt.

You on the other hand were starting a new job so had no locational "loyalty" like that.

Your perception of this is ALL wrong. You are seeing it as "he picked a gym over me" but that's not what it's about at all.