Confidence knocked - did I do the wrong things by my DP?

[yourstrulyjudy]

I have posted before about my relationship, and I have NC because I just want opinions on the facts given, so I can have fresh input (please be understanding about this!). I am doing better, but I keep questioning my behavior with my ex and wondering if it was me that caused the problems - I guess that's natural but I do tend to blame myself/look at my actions generally, and so this is no different. I think it would just help to understand my faults, I suppose.

We lived together for over a year on the doorstep to his work, and when I got a new job I asked if he would move more to the middle, so our commutes were equal (mine still longer, actually). He was reluctant, despite telling me he wanted to marry me and couldn't imagine life without me. He changed his mind lots, and we got to the point where we were about to sign for a tenancy in the middle of our places of work, and on the morning we were to do it, he changed his mind...again. I was devastated and was angry/upset. His reaction was to disappear to his parents' for 3 days, and to not see me at the weekend because he wanted 'space', all the while telling me he loved me and he wasn't re considering us, but the pressure had just got to him. I was left feeling VERY insecure, confused, hurt, etc etc and very lonely. If I had hurt him I wouldn't have been thinking about me..I would have been doing everything to make him feel loved and to show I was sorry for messing him about.

Anyway, we moved past that, (looking back I'm not sure how, as he refused to live in the middle and we lived apart), and he started being utterly shit at communication. Not in a nasty way, but from one week to the next I never knew when I was seeing him etc. He also started talking to his mum about things, and at one point, another woman, rather than me, which I found unsettling (big things, like where he wanted to live).

BUT, he did some lovely things for me. Buying dinner, always drove to see me, would say he loved me, cook for me, buy me treats etc. And when it all came to a head he said he felt pressured by me. This has made me question myself and who I am... was I wrong to expect my DP to move to the middle when my job changed? Was it unfair of me to be excited about still living together? Was I too intense?

I feel like I acted normally, but him saying he felt pressured has made me query whether the break up was all my fault. It's knocked my confidence in myself in relationships. I don't want to mess up again.

cheers I understand where you are coming from, but a man who tells you he cannot bear to be apart and wants to build a life with you, looks at properties to take out a tenancy, and then runs the risk of you messing things up with your employers, is not a decent way to behave.

I agree that meeting in the middle on compromise is not always possible, or reasonable to expect. But asking someone to move 20 minutes the other side of his current commute, in order to live together still, seems pretty childish and selfish to me that it wasn't possible for him. Wanting to not leave a specific gym? Fair enough, have your own interests, but in reality, I honestly don't thin he will find a woman with the level of dedication he wanted, that will be happy with his attitude when it comes to a sitaution like this.

I also never threatened him about leaving - I actually said I wouldn't take the job if it meant we couldn't live together, and that was how I truly felt. He said that also made him feel pressured as he didnt want me to choose a job around him.

someone who can't face moving 20 minutes further from his work doesn't really have it in him to be in a long term relationship

And personally I couldn't be with anyone who expected me to move away from my friends and family, or do anything I really didn't want to, however committed I was to a relationship.

Having moved frequently for an ex because that's what people in relationships do for each other I would no never expect that of anyone or would I advise anyone to do that for someone else.

On a personal level it is incrediably disruptive and fine if the relationship works out but the one thing you will regret the most if the relationship doesn't.

Your way isn't wrong. My way isn't wrong. But they are incredibly incompatible.

And yes the everything for love thing is very intense. But some people will like that, some people won't. That's the thing about compatibility

toffee I guess that's where we disagree, then. I don't agree with not moving forward with a relationship 'in case it doesn't work out.' That seems a very unhealthy attitude, from my point of view.

Everything for love... that's not really the attitude I have, but keeping our home in tact was vital to me, and I think is to most (not all, I agree), who want to invest in a future with someone.

For what it's worth, my DP would have been living in the same town as roughly half his friends, anyway, had we moved.

My main point of hurt, however, through all of this, was the facade and lies and way he gave the impression he wanted certain things and couldnt follow through.

But asking someone to move 20 minutes the other side of his current commute, in order to live together still, seems pretty childish and selfish to me that it wasn't possible for him.

It's not childish and selfish if it really matters to him. Any more that it would be to say "it seems really childish and selfish that she wanted me to move 20 mins away from where I love living now".

& the "in order to live together" sounds a bit suspect to me - it wasn't a job Zimbabwe was it? It just meant that you'd have a long commute if you wanted to stay living together.

It just depends what matters to you. I was 100% in the "not moving" camp for the reasons I've explained. It wasn't childish or selfish to me; it was my view and a very strong one.

Toffeelatteplease has it when she says:

Your way isn't wrong. My way isn't wrong. But they are incredibly incompatible.

Your reasons seemed a little more important than 'I want to stay at the same gym as my friends.'

I also guess you didn't say one thing to your DP then behave in the opposite way..

I also guess you didn't say one thing to your DP then behave in the opposite way..

This is true.

But the reasons aren't really any more important are they? It's just how you feel about it. It would be just as legitimate for a man to say to me "I feel so strongly about the length of my commute that I want you to move". It's just something that I wasn't interested in budging on.

For some people, exercise and their gym is a big part of their life.

If being at a particular gym is more important than living with your DP, then I genuinely pity than person. Unless you're an intensive bodybuilder or similar, with particular reasons to be at a specfiic gym, then I don't see how that can't be construed as childish and selfish and not at all conductive to a healthy long term relationship. If any, and I mean any, of my friends partners gave that as a reason not to live with them, they would be single. I honestly can't think (and I am trying, honest!), of anyone who would cite that as a reason.

Also, if that's how dedicated you are that's your priority, don't tell your DP that you want to move the relationship forwards and discuss it etc etc.

You've got to have compatible wants and desires to move forward.

You didn't.

Doesn't matter how unimportant your dp's want to stay at the same gym with his friends, they were his feelings. A partners feelings just are important simply because that is how they feel.

People move miles to be with their dp because they feel ok about doing it, not just because love them

You'd do it if you love me isn't ok if it is something your dp doesn't want to do.

Problem is sometimes there isn't a compromise to be had.

toffee, understood entirely, but if DP had made these things known a long time ago (as oppsod to stringing me along), I would have ran a mile.

I find men that self-involved HUGELY unattractive. And I'm independent, have a good job and my own life. Relationships need compromise, and where you actually live and whether you continue to live together when one life changes (AND you've discussed), does matter. It's a compromise that has to be had. He wanted someone who would be happy for him to stick where he was/do what he wanted, with them on a plate when he was free. That's not a relationship (not from my experience or from what I've seen around me, either). Perhaps it's more common than I think, but instinct tells me that most men don't have a problem with such a key area of compromise.

He wanted someone who would be happy for him to stick where he was/do what he wanted, with them on a plate when he was free

Then let's face it moving really wasn't your biggest problem.

If he'd moved, then he automatically would have been perceived as someone who stuck to his word and was dedicated to us moving forwards. I guess it was all tied up. Definitely going to go for the more standard type of person in future..!!

Im not going to stick to my word if ultimately it is going to make me unhappy.

I wouldn't want a partner who would make himself unhappy simply to show his dedication

Mine and my partners happiness are too important.

Yes that sounds very intense

I didn't do that, though, toffee. He told me what he wanted and we proceeded with that, and I changed parts of my life for it. He then messed me about,many times, all the while telling me he loved me and never wanted to be apart. Complete head mess.

I think your going to find marriage/relationships hard if your upset about this..
My wife had a job with an hr commute each way, a job popped up 10 mins away, we decided as a couple it would make our family life with 2 under fours easier for her to go for that job.. The interview process took 6 months, she got the job and then decided she wanted to stay where she was, which meant my daily life would still be compromised..
Yes I was initially disappointed, but life moves on and seemingly inconsiderate behaviour is forgiven and forgotten about...

That wouldn't bother me in the slightest, frank. Not being able to travel slightly extra so we could live together did bother me, yes.

But it was a totally parallel example!

What I don't get is if living together was important to you and the job was important to you, why didn't you consider a slightly longer commute? I'm reakoning from what you have said it couldn't be longer than about an hour and half. Which is long but doable

I was prepared to do that...DP said he wanted the job to be taken as it would benefit us (which it would have).

Not strictly relevant to the op but sheer curiosity

But why didn't it happen. Not whether you were prepared to

Because he apparently felt pressured by me doing it! That was the genuine answer to it. Honestly, it messed with my head so much. I queried so much why he couldnt just accept that I loved him and that compromise was normal. Whether it was me or him doing it, he felt pressured either way. All the time telling me he wanted to marry me and build a life.

You seem to want to conclude that because of his behaviour with you he is somehow incapable of healthy relationships in general. This may or may not be the case and doesn't really matter now.

A couple of commonly used points seem relevant here.

He just wasn't that into you.

Look at what people do, not what they say.

Hello yourstruly,
Sorry if I have missed this.

Are you still with your DP and want advise on understanding him
Or
You have split and want to know if he was not really into you.

I just wanted to know if I acted wrongly, for any relationship in future. I felt like I did everything to accomodate my DP, but he kept referring to pressure, no matter what I did. If it was purely me compromising or just him. And he told me over and over that he wasnted to be with me, even when I questioned it. I just feel confused and as a result, wonder if this was me being a rubbish partner.

Sweet you really really just weren't compatible.

Yes he wasn't very realistic about it but by the sounds of it, neither were you.

yes you would have done anything for this guy, which is why you feel so hurt and betrayed now. But honestly that can be almighty bewildering to be on the receiving end of that kind of devotion because because you can never entirely be sure of how the other person really feels. It's a very easy relationship for both people to lose a sense of self in. And actually for both people to never feel good enough because neither invidual is actually taking any responsibility for their own happiness, both are too busy trying to please the other.

if it helps truly I think he did care for you. Sometimes it's not enough, or its too much in all the wrong ways or we still badly stuff up

You can go over and over the rights and wrongs of a relationship but in the end you just weren't compatible.

You need someone with a strong enough sense of self to manage your romanticism and intensity

I didn't explain very well.

"I will do anything for you because I love you"
"I'm not happy doing that"
"But why not? I would do anything for you"
"Oh.... but I do love you
"So why won't you do this? "
"I don't know...i don't want to let you down... I'll do it"
"I can't do it I'm not happy"
"But other people do it without any problems?!?! Don't you love me as much as they love their partners?"
"But I do but I'm not happy"

See the pressure? Suddenly you are not valuing your own happines anywhere near enough. The healthiest relationships have boundaries And limits. Just compatible ones