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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A question for a friends situation

36 replies

needalifeline · 09/06/2015 19:11

Why would a man want to keep his relationship with her a secret? He's got a child to an ex who is a known trouble causer who has apparently withdrawn contact on a regular basis when he's been involved. he also has a younger child he doesn't see (mother is a bitch and won't let him he says) He takes her to see his family and is around his kid but I don't get why they aren't official. He's even denied her on facebook when someones asked? I think shes heading for a fall. I don't know what to tell her

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SociallyAwkward · 09/06/2015 19:13

Tell her to run... run like the wind.

Just his relationship history would put me right off.

Ex number 1 is a known trouble causer, ex number 2 is a bitch.

He sure can pick 'em can't he?

Original poster

needalifeline · 09/06/2015 20:08

See thing is I'm inclined to think they can't both be all that bad can they? He started talking to ex 1 again when ex 2 was off the scene and blamed his failings on ex no2

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Duckdeamon · 09/06/2015 20:11

Even if both exes are horrible why isn't he doing more to see his DC regularly? Is he paying maintenance?

Lots of red flags.

SociallyAwkward · 09/06/2015 20:40

My SIL has an ex like this. 2 children by 2 different women. One was a psycho, one was a bitch, neither 'would let him' see the children.

So the inevitable happened, SIL got pregnant, he fucked off and has never made any attempt to see his daughter or paid a penny toward her since she was about 8 months old, that was 9 years ago.

Original poster

needalifeline · 09/06/2015 20:42

He says he is but she won't let him see child. See to me shouldn't he be pursuing that? Ex 2 only went for maintenance when she found out he was mates with ex no1 again. I've said its not worth this and leave it. Something not right here is there?

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Original poster

needalifeline · 09/06/2015 20:43

I'd be tempted to ask both the exes or is that a bad idea?

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Original poster

needalifeline · 09/06/2015 20:44

Socially awkward I think you're on the money there I think he is the problem

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Original poster

needalifeline · 10/06/2015 11:34

Apparently the ex would cause trouble he's said today. He wants to make sure it goes somewhere. I think that's a cop out. Am I wrong??

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Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 12:46

No, your friend needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Jux · 10/06/2015 19:13

The common factor is him. Neither wife is a bitch or a psycho or anything, I bet. It's just what he says because he's a waster and your friend needs to get out before she adds to his brood.

Original poster

needalifeline · 11/06/2015 10:55

I agree totally. I've spoken to her but it seems she's taken pity on him and thinks he's just had bad luck. He's a nice guy she says. I think he's using her I just can't make her see

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Jux · 11/06/2015 18:22

She sounds like a rescuer. Does she feel sorry for stray dogs too? (My dd is like this; I am fearful that she will wind up with some little shit just because he plays on her sympathies well.)

I think all you can do is be there when she finds out the truth and hold her hand.

Original poster

needalifeline · 11/06/2015 23:25

Yes she is. I've told her what I think because shes asked me but I don't think I should mention it again as I don't feel she would confide ion me anymore

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sykadelic · 12/06/2015 01:48

At what point would he be okay with going public?

Let's assume he's telling the truth, and that Ex #1 would withhold the child if he get's into a relationship... does that mean he would NEVER admit that he's with your friend? If so, their relationship wouldn't go anywhere. If it's time, and he's great in other ways, then I would sent a timeline on it.

That said, she's around his kid... depending on the age of the child, there's no way the child won't mention her at some point, if they haven't already so it's always better to come from him rather than finding out he's been sneaking "strange women" around the kid.

It's probably more like my SIL's fella... he's keeping his options open. He'll be telling people they're "just dating, nothing serious" and she's probably denying it to people as well, for him you see.

BitOfFun · 12/06/2015 02:37

"Your friend" is probably dating a dickhead.

Original poster

needalifeline · 12/06/2015 08:38

Thank you ladies. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is that he isn''t seeing his youngest child and thats a major issue for me on its own. I asked how she felt about being with someone that doesn't see his child and she just shrugged and said yeah but its not his fault shes a bitch. Added to that he takes her to meet his family but when a mutual friend on facebook asked about his 'other half' his reply was, 'What other half.' I think he's a lot to hide and its not going to end well. Think the child is around 7 so I suppose she could be silenced by saying its not true etc. God what a mess

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Trills · 12/06/2015 08:58

I agree with BOF

Original poster

needalifeline · 12/06/2015 09:23

So do I Trills. She said last night that she couldn't post photos of them together on her timeline because they have too many mutual friends and it would cause trouble!! So he's not proud of her then? She jst can't see it.

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Pedestriana · 12/06/2015 09:34

Too many red flags for me. I'd be telling her to get out. If he already has two children and isn't with either mother, is not in contact with one child and is denying a relationship with your friend, this cannot go well IMO.

Original poster

needalifeline · 12/06/2015 18:38

You put that do well pedestriana thank you. She's a nice person and I thinks that's what's attracted him. I can't help but worry. Is there anything else I should do apart from pick up the pieces?

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Pedestriana · 12/06/2015 19:26

I don't think there is anything else you can do other than be there. If you've already hinted to her that you don't think there is a future with this man, there's not a lot you can do, sadly.

Jux · 12/06/2015 21:11

I've got to say, I'd be so tempted to put photos of them up on my own timeline.

Original poster

needalifeline · 13/06/2015 08:24

Ye Jux that could be fun lol. I've said he will probably dump you if it comes out. Or even if it gets close to coming out. Its all so childish IMO as they are both in their 40's :/

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/06/2015 09:00

"I'd be so tempted to put photos of them up on my own timeline."

Me too. What has he got to lose if people know? He's not seeing his children anyway (which, if he was bothered, he'd sort out through the courts surely?).

7amliein · 13/06/2015 09:13

If mumsnet members had their way then 90% of relationships would be over before they have even started. Most people giving this advice will be / will have put up with much worse than this - whether they know it or admit it

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