A question for a friends situation

[needalifeline]

Why would a man want to keep his relationship with her a secret? He's got a child to an ex who is a known trouble causer who has apparently withdrawn contact on a regular basis when he's been involved. he also has a younger child he doesn't see (mother is a bitch and won't let him he says) He takes her to see his family and is around his kid but I don't get why they aren't official. He's even denied her on facebook when someones asked? I think shes heading for a fall. I don't know what to tell her

My major red flag is the child he doesn't see. She sort of knows the first mum of first child so knows that she will cause trouble. So that backs his story up. 7amliein I have put up with this myself in the past and I know where it leads. It causes utter heartbreak and carnage everywhere and this is what I am trying to help her see. I personally would not be kept a secret under any circumstances or be with someone who doesn't see his child no matter what the circumstances

I think she should run but I doubt you will convince her of that so I think you need to gently nudge her in the direction of, ok fair enough he cannot admit you two are seeing each other just now, so when will it be ok?

What are her long term plans with him?
What are her long term plans for herself?

E.g. if she wants kids, does she want them with him? If so is she fine with them not sering theur half siblings.

Just encourage her to think so she can work out for herself it ain't right.

7am, and your point is?

My point is that people should not be giving advice based on an idealistic view of the world - especially when it does not agree with the way they live their own lives.

but it's not just about not agreeing with how people live their lives, it's about advising someone on how to live a better life. It never ceases to amaze me how many women put up with crap from men and think it's acceptable. The more we, as women, say to other women this is not acceptable then maybe more women will stand up and demand better relationships, and respect. Why would any woman want to be in a relationship with a man who denies her existence? And doesn't see his children ? However troublesome the mother is there are laws which will allow him to see the first child if he really really wants to, and the 2nd child too.

By accepting that what he is saying is true the friend is reinforcing his view that women are crazy and can be treated like shit. If all these men were told to fuck off by all women then maybe they would man up and behave better.

WOW well said desertmum!! I totally agree.

I get your point 7 but that's how I do live my life...

It's also about highlighting to posters in an abusive/destructive/toxic relationship what is 'normal'. desert puts it far better than me.

Yes there it's isn't it. And if you're in the midst of a toxic or abusive relationship you may not realise you are being groomed into staying. We can all have opinions but some things are just universally unacceptable.

Sadly, I can see a family member in a toxic relationship right now. It's at the point of EA, and the person they're involved with has anger management issues (or, more realistically, is a complete arse with a temper). What makes it difficult is that the person was quite wayward/precocious in adolescence and the crowd they mixed with normalised behaviour I'd consider to be abusive. There is an infant from the relationship which is now breaking down.

I also have a friend in an EA which is beginning to become physical. Again, children involved, some from a previous relationship, and issues of living outside own country of birth come into play, with children being a mix of UK and other country nationals. Unfortunately friend has only just realised that relationship is not healthy.

Perhaps those women who have put up with worse in the past are giving the op the benefit of their experience, 7am? Perhaps women who are currently in a worse abusive relationship know that their relationship started just like the op's friend's? Perhaps they'd like to warn her of where it leads.

I think you may be banging a drum that's written for a different orchestra.

I don't doubt that many people HAVE put up with worse in the past, but I don't think it's likely that they are putting up with this kind of shit now.