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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal? What would you do?

31 replies

Penguinhugs · 09/06/2015 13:16

First post - ready to be told I'm being a baby!!
Been with my partner for 18 months (long distance) and very recently moved in together. I've moved over 4 hours to live with him so missing friends and family a lot!
Before I moved in we had a chat about me being too controlling and serious (I worry too much, anxiety has been suggested by docs) and I was asked to change how I act and be more relaxed.
Since moving this hasn't changed to the point that every time I don't want to do something he does/ don't agree with his opinion or don't want to be pushed/ tickled/ or just don't want to do something he has a go at me for being miserable and boring and not the kind of person he wants to be with.
He has been sleeping in the spare room if I don't want to have sex with him and says it's because I make him feel unloved and sad all the time (I asked for a bit of space to adjust after the move and didn't want him all over me all the time).
I suppose what I'm asking is; is this normal when just moving in together? would you keep working and see if things iron themselves out? Or in your experience are these things best to get out while you can?
This morning he told me that quite frankly he doesn't want to be around me, and I don't know what to do if he thinks that way. I love my job here and moving home could be an option. Thanks for any advice!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/06/2015 13:19

Why on earth are you even thinking of staying with a man who says he doesn't want to be around you?

If moving home is an option, I'd be gone by the end of today.

Vivacia · 09/06/2015 13:20

I suppose what I'm asking is; is this normal when just moving in together?

Er, only if you've moved in with a bullying, sulking, controlling twerp. It sounds as though all physical contact has to be on his terms (pushing you, tickling you if you don't want to be tickled, withdrawing affection if you don't want sex etc).

Do you have an example of you actually being controlling??

Move out.

TokenGinger · 09/06/2015 13:23

If it was just the feeling unloved about you not wanting sex thing, I'd be questioning how often you have sex and if his feelings are valid.

However, teamed with the rest of his behaviour, I'd say he sounds like he has the capability to be EA and I'd seriously consider this before making a decision to stay any longer.

His behaviour is not normal.

Original poster

Penguinhugs · 09/06/2015 13:23

For example I worry a lot about things that don't matter too much, so will get a bit flustered and panicky if we're going to be late (as I said possible anxiety. I tried yoga but he laughed ) he says I nag about everything he does, so he think so don't want to be around him. If he slaps my bum and I say ouch he'll be like that doesn't hurt, you're always moaning at me. I can't think of examples but things like playing up, tickling me if I don't want it etc.

OP posts:

Allalonenow · 09/06/2015 13:24

Pack up and move back home love, he sounds horrible.

Original poster

Penguinhugs · 09/06/2015 13:25

Regarding feeling unloved was because I didn't feel all lovey dovey after I first moved and wasn't interested in cuddling kissing etc (time of the month doesn't help) but other than that and usually very good sex life, really compatible and very often.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 09/06/2015 13:28

He's a dick. Go home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2015 13:29

I would go home.

This is not at all working out and will not either. The real him you are seeing is not a nice man at all.

confusedoflondon · 09/06/2015 13:31

You clearly aren't compatible to live together. I don't think he sounds in the least bit abusive nor are you the problem. Some personalities simply don't mix. Blame doesn't have to always enter into it

ravenmum · 09/06/2015 13:32

Seems to be a lot about him openly criticising your behaviour and you thinking about what you can do differently. Is it a one-way thing?
Is this his first relationship?

Joysmum · 09/06/2015 13:37

Even if he's disappointed about the sex, he's punishing and sulking by going to the spare room.

I'm sorry but I'd be gone too. Imagine when there's no sex because of pregnancy or children, or other life in general reasons. Next step from there is a feeling of deserving sex and getting it elsewhere because you won't put out!

holdyourown · 09/06/2015 13:38

He sounds like a nightmare. So what if you have anxiety. He is meant to love and support you, so that you can do what you need to do to address it- not criticise and tell you to change. It shouldn't be like this, especially so early on as well. Sorry.

Vivacia · 09/06/2015 13:42

I worry a lot about things that don't matter too much, so will get a bit flustered and panicky if we're going to be late

That doesn't sound like controlling behaviour though, does it?

I agree with the poster who said if she was told she wasn't wanted there, she'd move out that day. He's just trying to change you, keep you guessing.

scallopsrgreat · 09/06/2015 13:48

Him saying you are controlling is him projecting. Anxious about being late is not particularly unreasonable. I think we can all name occasions when we have been anxious about things like that. It sounds more like he wants to control when you leave for something and you aren't 'allowed' to be in disagreement. Also you were trying to address this anxiety and he laughed at you? [shocked]

That just shows he knows you aren't controlling. It's a mind fuck.

I suspect you'll be a lot less anxious with him out of the picture.

Momagain1 · 09/06/2015 13:49

*Even if he's disappointed about the sex, he's punishing and sulking by going to the spare room.

Or worse, manipulating you until you dont really remember NO was ever an option. Forcing you even.

Run, this man is grooming you to accept abuse. He is playing your anxieties and working out how to control you via your desrire to cooperate and no be 'controlling'.

Why did his last relationship end?

PatriciaHolm · 09/06/2015 13:55

He sounds horrible. This is a terrible relationship, and he's telling you straight that he doesn't want to be with you. Time to cut him loose.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2015 13:58

Tickling? I get homicidal if tickled. And "that didn't hurt" is the thin end of a rather nasty wedge - denying/belittling your feelings at best, subtle physical abuse masquerading as a bit of fun at worst. Never mind he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't like it, how about you not wanting to be with someone who manhandles you and doesn't listen to your objections?

Run away, run away.

newstart15 · 09/06/2015 14:00

You don't seem compatible at all! You get anxious when you're late and he thinks that makes you a stress head. My ex was like this and when I met my dh the relief of being with someone on the same page was so obvious.

I think you are attracted to each other but don't have compatibility. Yes the first few months should be positive..you are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase but sleep separately and he doesn't want to be around you. How is that positive??

It will only get worse from here not better. When my dh & I have stressful times we can look back on our honeymoon period which did last for years and it helps to keep us on track as we know we can be happy with each other.

Pumpeedo · 09/06/2015 14:01

You sound incompatible. It's no-one's fault, just one of those things. Move one and don't waste another second of your life in a relationship that is going nowhere. And good luck.

Vivacia · 09/06/2015 14:02

And if you're reading this and thinking, "God, they think he's a monster. He's not; he can be really nice" then I'd say that everyone is nice most of the time. It's how they behave when they're not nice that matters. I'm irritating when I'm not being nice. I am not manipulative or bullying people in to having sex.

Momagain1 · 09/06/2015 14:06

vivacia is right. Nice is normal, it is how he expresses himself when he isnt being nice that is the problem.

ravenmum · 09/06/2015 14:07

I may have that point embroidered, framed and hung on my wall...

Serendipitymuppet · 09/06/2015 14:13

You know what, this doesn't sound much fun for either of you, and is highly unlikely to make you feel secure and less anxious.

Maybe draw a line under it as a lesson learnt and move on.

Serendipitymuppet · 09/06/2015 14:14

Posted too soon.

He's not necessarily abusive or 'grooming you', it just sounds like you aren't quite a match.

Corygal · 09/06/2015 14:14

He sounds awful. Cut your losses, I would.

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