Difficult feelings following DM's death

[Appleparty]

My DM and I had a difficult relationship but I loved her. My brother, I have come to understand, seems to have hated her and I am finding it hard to feel understanding rather than very angry. For example, he told me shortly after she died he felt much happier now she is dead as he doesn't have to worry about what she will think about things. I get what he means but also feel upset because she would be heartbroken to hear that is his view. When she died I was there and it was terrible, not pleasant or peaceful at all. He knew when she was dying but went out shopping with his wife and child. I could have done with some support and my mum would have wanted him there, more than she wanted me, actually.

Another tivial thing which hurts- for the funeral, My DM had left a letter about her funeral arrangements that mentioned getting sandwiches or food from somewhere like Waitrose or M&S. My bro and SIL found this hilarious and laughed at her for not wanting 'any old butties'. I would have thought someone could specify what they would like cor their own fundral without being sneered at. That seems quite basic to me. Even though I was the one who bore thebrunt of caring for her when she was dying, they kind of swooped in and did all the funeral arrangements, even though they were openly disparaging of her at the same time. I wish I had been more forceful but it is too late. I feel I mucked it all up and let DM down, although she would probably side with DB about this anyway, so what I am feeling is pointless.

The whole situation feels just horrible. As I said, I had a very, very hard relationship with her latterly, but when I was a child she was nice. I find it hard that they seem laughing and happy about her dying. It is making me feel ragey. Could anyone offer any advice?

Stand your ground and insist a little. That is beautifully put. That is what I need to try to do. Thanks Dont.

Although I do miss her, I'm not sure if I would choose to have her back

Don't feel guilty Madison. I'm sure many of us feel the same (whatever that is) There is no point in remembering someone who never existed. It's just hard missing the person and someone you never had all rolled into one.

How's it going today Appleparty?

I recently lost my mum as well. The only thing I would say is that everyone's grief is very different and sometimes black humour is the way people cope. I can imagine my own mum cracking up at the sandwich specification - that would have been exactly the kind of thing that would have appealed to her wicked sense of humour. No malice would have been there, just a sense of the ridiculous. In your family context, without love or care to temper it, it does seem less pleasant. But you don't know what is going on inside your DB's head or the impact your DM's behaviour may have had upon him in the past. Sometimes parents bring out the immature child in us. While it's insensitive and hurtful to your own understandably fragile emotions, I feel you should declare an amnesty on this if you can. Your mum did the best she could. Your brother did the best he could, believe it or not. And you have done the best you can, so be kind to yourself.

Op...I recommend reading "you'll get over it - the rage of bereavement" by Virginiaironside.

Madison, yes that sounds familier.

Thank you, sorry to have taken a while to reply.

Saturnvista, I totally get it about black humour. Families, surgeons, tragic situations where you need to cope.

Actually, this was not black humour. This was someone choosing to be sneery at what a dead person had asked for for her funeral. I think that is a pretty nasty thing to do. She was not having to cope with my mum's death because she did not like he and did not involve herself. Jor did my brothe5. It was me who had to stay with my mother for night after night and day after day, with me alone and caring for her, my own life on hold even though she was often not nice to me. Once, for one night, I just wanted and yearned to go to my own home to be with my husband, who was a massive support. I asked my brother to stay with her, she could not move from her chair to make a cup of tea or do a thing and was in pain. He said he would stay. He did not. I think that is abuse, not choosing to cope.

Next time then, when someone I know has lost someoje, you think it will be ok to laugh about what they chose? I don't. Some lf these comments are helpful but I think some miss the point. I understand black humour to cope. This was not that. Throughout, my sil and bro were concerned only with how things affected them, not with someone dying in a lot of pain and fear or with me trying and failing miserably to cope with it. They are of course perfectly finenow. I think they are callous. She would have been heartbroken. I am angry about that and full of guilt for not having been better than I was for dm.

I had done my best to be seperate from all their lives but it was me who had to go back and try to help. Sorry about the spellings.

Sorry, v garbled. I asked him to stay and he said he would, so I left. Then he did not stay. She was therefore left alone for uours unable to get a drink or anything.

Now it sounds like I am dripfeeding, I apologise,

I am very, very angry with them, it isclearly not just about sandwiches. I will get cojnselling or something.

Sorry for typos.

"I am angry about that and full of guilt for not having been better than I was for dm".

You were always good enough, it was your mother that was not a good parent to you both. She is the guilty party here.

Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies such people leave their offspring and your brother and you were and remain profoundly affected by her damaging legacy.

Your brother's actions were not right either and that did hurt you but I would think that his sense of self preservation came into it. He had had enough of his mother and walked away, he could not have cared less that she was in pain because she had caused him to be hurt his whole life. You did not need to stay and care for your mother but you perhaps did also out of senses of guilt, duty and societal convention.

Do you think your mother felt any guilt for what she put both you and your brother through when she was alive; she likely did not and also perhaps thought she did nothing wrong with regards to her children her whole life. You need to grieve for the relationship you both should have had with your mother but through no faults of your own did not.

Is your Dad still around, I was wondering what he thinks?.

I think that counselling for you would be very beneficial because there is a lot of stuff also re your mother than needs to be untangled now.

Counsellors thought are like shoes, you really do need to find someone that fits in with you. The first person you see therefore may not be the right one.

Yes I can see that it was not black humour and you are holding some very difficult feelings. I'd thought it might help to consider a different perspective but obviously you're the only one with any true information so you know best. It does sound as like you would find it helpful to talk to someone. I find writing everything down also helps.

Thanks. Writing it down has helped, if only to see what a mess it is.

My dad is dead too.

It was a stately homes kind of family. I have never posted on the stately homes thread but have read it and a lot of it resonates.

I would feel more sympathy with DBro if he'd shown any kind of understanding that it was hard. I lived three hours away from her, he lived 30 mins away and, when she had been well, he was content to use her a lot for child care. After she died, the next time he spoke to me after some time was to say how stressful it had all been for his wife because she had to support him. She was not the one having to stay there with somone who had been very hurtful, often, watching them die. You are right, attila, I do not think DM did feel guilt or have any understanding about how she could be.

The care available for old, dying people is rubbish. I had no choice. It was a horrible situation.

Thanks for all messages.

AppleParty so sorry for your loss. Fwiw I think the way you are coping is the "right" way. I've seen people take your brother s route of sneering, acting coldly, focussing on what they won't miss. You were there for your DM despite the difficult relationship, You are grieving despite the mixed feelings - your doing well. Imo looking the second parent is massive. My DD died first, me and mum coped (no sibs , no DP/DH) when I lost DM I felt like an orphan- I was 40 plus! Look after yourself you've been through a lot

Paula

I could have written your post. I had a v difficult relationship with my mother but we had kind of reached an impasse, then she died. My brother hasn't spoken to or seen my parents for over 20 years and when I told him she was gone he expressed nothing but relief. I have asked him to contact our widowed father and he refuses and is quite mean about it all.

Sorry, not wanting to make it all about me - but I would say the way you are feeling is understandable. And him swooping in and disparaging your mother is normal for him, even if you don't find it acceptable. Grief is a tough road and it is sad you feel unsupported by him. I am so sorry for your loss - it is just so final isn't it. I am sure your mother appreciated every tiny thing that you did for her and I think you should be proud of the care and compassion you gave her during a tough time for yourself.

If I can I'd like to pose another perspective.

Your DB seems to have found a woman who has helped him work through some of his issues with your DM - them laughing at 'not just any sandwiches' sounds like something I would have laughed at when organising MILs funeral/wake. DH badly needed space to hate the woman she really was rather than hold onto ideals of a mum she never was. We walked that tightrope for quite a few years before and after her death. It is not easy to do, as I am sure you are only too aware.

Please don't hate him for having disconnected and finding his own way of dealing with her, in life or death.

You have every right to be furious, angry, disappointed with DB and DM, but don't let that eat away at you. I wish you all the best in finding your own resolution to your current mixed up and angry emotions

Lazyloulou, 'hate the woman she really was'.??

Twis, thanks. Thanks. I felt no care and compassion for her, though, that is part of the problem. I could not feel it.

Sorry for your pain and anger.

I am NC with both my parents. My DB is too; he was golden child, I fell somewhere between scapegoat and fixer (and if I couldn't fix everything, guess where I ended up?!).

When my F was ill several years ago, the family snapped back to its old positions. The fallout was horrific; I had a complete breakdown, DB went NC early days, I fought it, but gave up some months later in the face of sustained nastiness from M and F. If anything happens to them now, DB will expect me to deal with it. That won't be happening. Perhaps unfairly, I expect DB to be an ass about that (hypothetical) situation. But that won't change anything.

I hugely admire the way you behaved like a thoroughly decent human being; the point of my post above is to try and say, I do understand, and I couldn't (and won't) do what you've done. But whether or not my DB behaves like an ass over it won't change how I feel or act. I'm accountable to myself for my behaviour. Your DB didn't act as you wanted him to, he can't now act as you would have preferred, and none of us can dictate how others behave. I think Attilla has it right, you should try and get some counselling support for yourself, whether or not your anger at your DB is misplaced grief, anger at the whole thing, or feeling impotence about death (of your M in particular, or in general), you need to look after yourself and make sure that anger doesn't eat you away inside.

Whether or not you felt care or compassion for someone who didn't treat you kindly, you behaved with both care and compassion, and that is something you should be very proud of; it's relatively easy to put ourselves out for those we adore, and who show gratitude for it, after all.

A hurt thing needs loking after, that is the way i think about her.

I do understand how you feel Apple . A hurt thing that needs looking after are your words and fine compassionate ones .
My own mother is dying and is in a pitiful state . My heart breaks looking at her . And I am the sibling who is the one trying to comfort a mother who I have raged against all my adult life .
The sandwiches from Waitrose request sounds exactly as my mother would want.
Hope you find some peace .....you won't regret how you helped your mother at end of her life . I am trying to do the same as you did.

Thank you for the replies, I have been and am very screwed up with this.

Bassetfeet,

I wished her dead, often. I hated her.