How to compromise on wedding day...

[Slimmerforsummer]

Dp and I want to get married.

If it was up to me it would be a registry office with 2 witnesses and our 2 daughters. I don't want engagement ring or big party or in any way to be the center of attention it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I'm likely to stutter a lot ( even in groups of 10 friends) and a panic attack is possible if there's more.

If it's a tiny wedding I don't think my friends or extended family will be upset they weren't invited. My parents did what I want to do, then had dinner with their parents afterwards, so I think they would be ok.

He thinks we should invite extended family. His side alone would be 35 people. Then of course I'd need to invite mine (around 30 inc cousins but tbh, most wouldn't fly over here with their young kids anyway, so maybe 15) and if it's that size then we should invite our close friends, adding 2 for him and 10 for me which includes my friends children.

60 people just feels like a lot to me. I won't look forward to the day.

He says he will compromise by not buying an engagement ring and he's happy with a v casual party after ( no speeches, bouquet toss etc) but I think if you are having a wedding with 50 guests you can't just go to a regular restaurant for nice relaxed meal. You need to put on a bit of a show, don't you? :(

So, I suggested as a compromise - parents and siblings (& partners&kids) only. That's 4 on my side and 12 on his side. It's stretching my comfort zone but it's doable. We can hire the small room in the wee pub a few doors down from registry office and have a nice sit down meal.

Should I just "suck it up"? How to compromise on this...

Dp and I want to get married.

If it was up to me it would be a registry office with 2 witnesses and our 2 daughters. I don't want engagement ring or big party or in any way to be the center of attention it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I'm likely to stutter a lot ( even in groups of 10 friends) and a panic attack is possible if there's more. I also hate the thought of spending a fortune on one day when we could use it to take the kids away on holiday of a lifetime and do work to the house. Sensible stuff!
If it's a tiny wedding I don't think my friends or extended family will be upset they weren't invited. My parents did what I want to do, then had dinner with their parents afterwards, so I think they would be ok.

He thinks we should invite extended family. His side alone would be 35 people. Then of course I'd need to invite mine (around 30 inc cousins but tbh, most wouldn't fly over here with their young kids anyway, so maybe 15) and if it's that size then we should invite our close friends, adding 2 for him and 10 for me which includes my friends children.

60 people just feels like a lot to me. I won't look forward to the day.

He says he will compromise by not buying an engagement ring and he's happy with a v casual party after ( no speeches, bouquet toss etc) but I think if you are having a wedding with 50 guests you can't just go to a regular restaurant for nice relaxed meal. You need to put on a bit of a show, don't you? :(

So, I suggested parents and siblings (& partners&kids) only. That's 4 on my side and 12 on his side. It's stretching my comfort zone but it's doable. We can hire the small room in the wee pub a few doors down from registry office and have a nice sit down meal with the family members we actually see more than once every 3 years.

Do I just have to suck it up? Am I just being miserable? I don't know!

Weddings don't bring family together! I'd challenge his reasoning on that. Why is his need to bring his family together greater than your wishes for an intimate wedding. I think the small ceremony, big party is a good compromise IMO.

And why is no engagement ring a compromise for him? It's you that would wear it!!

Olivia I dont want a ring. He initially ( 2 years ago) insisted it was an important part. As if people would think badly of him if I didnt have one. After all, when someone gets engaged, doesnt everyone (well, females mainly) ask to see the ring?

Stacey as I said, I dont think its intentional on his part. I think he just thinks "The only thing Ive really had a strong opinion on, you are saying no" and I can see why he might think that, even if I dont agree! He seems to have a strong feeling about tradition and doing things "the right way". I think he would have half his village at the wedding if he could, even though he has no real connection to it anymore, just because half the village go to everyones wedding in the chapel. Though he knows I would need to "convert" if we wanted to marry in that chapel, and that thats not going to happen.

He also wanted our dd christened in the chapel but I refused to say that I would raise the child in the church,. Think he was quite cross about it at the time but shes almost 17 months and he hasnt mentioned christening since she was born.
I cant remember if I already said, but my parents had the wedding I want, and dinner with their parents after. However, this was mostly due to a weird thing because mum is from a catholic family and dad being from a protestant one (neither were practicing). Even though my grandparents liked eachother, it just wasnt the done thing to go to a wedding from "the other side" (We are in NI.)

I'm just going to throw it out there, that if neither of you is prepared to move from your own position on how you want to get married, it doesn't bode all that well for your relationship in the future.

Something is sitting uncomfortably for me too about the whole 'you always get your way' thing. If it wasn't intentional on his part, he wouldn't even notice enough to say 'I never get my way therefore I must on this issue'. Even if it isn't totally premeditated, he is aware enough of what is happening, and happy with the status quo.

But he didn't "get his own way" over the christening, and it sounds like that was quite important to him as well.

OP - is it just the panic attack concern that is holding you back from going along with his plans?

Sorry, I wasnt very clear - he could arrange the christening, but I wouldnt stand at the front of a chapel and say I would raise her in the church, because I wouldnt.

I would stand at the front with him but not say anything (as suggested by my Christian friend - shes seen it done a few times.). He and the godparents can make whatever promises they wanted. I left that with him and he didnt say any more. He didnt even say that was a bad idea or anything. Just didnt mention it. Perhaps it wasnt that important after all. (Plus he would have had to organise it all himself, meaning he had to make decisions. Thats my department )

Alibabs We have both suggested compromises. We just need to work out some more! I was just seeking others opinions in the hope someone would reassure and / or inspire me! Dp and I arent coming to blows over this or anything.

I guess when we sit down and look at financing it all, we will have even more to make! I started googling smallish wedding venues last night and must admit I did get a little excited ;)

Maybe ill be looking for hypnotherapist recommendations instead!

Get him making decisions.

If failure to make decisions annoys you now, it will drive you INSANE after you have children.

We have 2 kids already.
I have to admit, it's nice sometimes and I'll just pretend it's because he thinks I have excellent insights into all matters ( except weddings ;) and amazing taste in home decor ( he's taking a week off work so we can fix up house. Everything I've suggested has been met with " yeah that's fine" or "I don't mind" but with these things he actually doesn't care.