Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How to compromise on wedding day...

58 replies

Slimmerforsummer · 08/06/2015 18:32

Dp and I want to get married.

If it was up to me it would be a registry office with 2 witnesses and our 2 daughters. I don't want engagement ring or big party or in any way to be the center of attention it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I'm likely to stutter a lot ( even in groups of 10 friends) and a panic attack is possible if there's more.

If it's a tiny wedding I don't think my friends or extended family will be upset they weren't invited. My parents did what I want to do, then had dinner with their parents afterwards, so I think they would be ok.

He thinks we should invite extended family. His side alone would be 35 people. Then of course I'd need to invite mine (around 30 inc cousins but tbh, most wouldn't fly over here with their young kids anyway, so maybe 15) and if it's that size then we should invite our close friends, adding 2 for him and 10 for me which includes my friends children.

60 people just feels like a lot to me. I won't look forward to the day.

He says he will compromise by not buying an engagement ring and he's happy with a v casual party after ( no speeches, bouquet toss etc) but I think if you are having a wedding with 50 guests you can't just go to a regular restaurant for nice relaxed meal. You need to put on a bit of a show, don't you? :(

So, I suggested as a compromise - parents and siblings (& partners&kids) only. That's 4 on my side and 12 on his side. It's stretching my comfort zone but it's doable. We can hire the small room in the wee pub a few doors down from registry office and have a nice sit down meal.

Should I just "suck it up"? How to compromise on this...

Dp and I want to get married.

If it was up to me it would be a registry office with 2 witnesses and our 2 daughters. I don't want engagement ring or big party or in any way to be the center of attention it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I'm likely to stutter a lot ( even in groups of 10 friends) and a panic attack is possible if there's more. I also hate the thought of spending a fortune on one day when we could use it to take the kids away on holiday of a lifetime and do work to the house. Sensible stuff!
If it's a tiny wedding I don't think my friends or extended family will be upset they weren't invited. My parents did what I want to do, then had dinner with their parents afterwards, so I think they would be ok.

60 people just feels like a lot to me. I won't look forward to the day.

So, I suggested parents and siblings (& partners&kids) only. That's 4 on my side and 12 on his side. It's stretching my comfort zone but it's doable. We can hire the small room in the wee pub a few doors down from registry office and have a nice sit down meal with the family members we actually see more than once every 3 years.

Do I just have to suck it up? Am I just being miserable? I don't know!

OP posts:

Melonfool · 08/06/2015 23:11

Just to say, Slimmer, you're not alone - I'd hate a big wedding or do, and I don't want to even be engaged, let alone have an engagement ring.

dp doesn't want to get married anyway so it's not really an issue right now, but I don't think not wanting the shebang is that unusual.

SylvaniansAtEase · 08/06/2015 23:17

Well, you WOULDN'T rather have a big wedding, so that kind of isn't an option, is it?

HE needs to start compromising I'm afraid. The only real possibility when one half wants the fuss and the other doesn't, is to have an intimate wedding and then a big reception/party. It can't work the other way around - you're then asking the person who doesn't want a fuss/feels self conscious to be on show in exactly the way they hate. That isn't fair at all. As you said yourself, it'll be miserable for you. He would really prefer that?! If that's the case, don't marry him...

With a big party, the person who is less party oriented can be in the background without it looking odd, and the fuss-lover can take over.

I've seen different ways for it to be done - you could eg certainly have a first part of the reception which got everyone together for toasts, champagne, maybe a speech, then a buffet and the evening of dancing. Semi formal, no need for you to do anything other than be toasted.

Plus, doing it the other way around is utterly, utterly BORING. Huge wedding, no real reception? Watch those numbers drop. Weddings are dull! It's the party that really does it. Like I said, if he really wants fuss, there are various ways to create that at the party.

But if you don't want a big wedding, you shouldn't have one.

PuellaEstCornelia · 09/06/2015 08:24

A big wedding? Like, lots of people watching you take your vows and then everyone goes home?
Must admit I only wear my engagement ring and wedding ring these days, so whatever makes you happy jewellery wise!

Hobby2014 · 09/06/2015 10:04

We had 6 guests each at our ceremony (well I only had 5 as my dad didn't turn up).
Then in the evening about 80. No speeches, first dance, bouquet toss etc just a lovely country barn, buffet and drinks, music etc.
Perfect for us.

Bogeyface · 09/06/2015 13:50

Nobody is going to fly over for a wedding with no reception! Who on earth would spend that kind of money for an hour in a church followed by ..... nothing?!

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 09/06/2015 13:58

It is obviously really important to him to be able to invite his family. I don't think that your wishes should automatically trump his.

If you just stuck to family, based on your numbers above you would be looking at about 45 people. That is a small wedding, and you could keep the reception very low key in a smallish venue - a restaurant could easily accommodate those kind of numbers and you wouldn't have to do speeches, or any of the other fussing unless you wanted to.

Serendipitymuppet · 09/06/2015 14:21

One of the nicest weddings I went to was a relative of my husband's, about 50/60 guests (friends, family and kids).

It was in a pub, not a very fancy pub but a nice one, by a beach near their house. Registry office then reception at the pub.

No seating plan, big shared tables, carvery, a pork pie cake and a chocolate cake. The groom gave a really brief speech which was just to thank everyone for coming really, no other speeches, no bridesmaids, no bouquet tossing, no toasting.

Definitely no first dance! But it was just lovely, went on into the night for those that wanted it to (the bride and groom slipped away relatively early as they had a baby). So relaxed.

Our wedding, we had some speeches, but it was me, my husband and my brother (I was feeling a bit outnumbered by Husband's huge family and wanted someone to say something for me!). No table plan, no swagging, no centre pieces.

Skiptonlass · 09/06/2015 15:42

Oh now this sounds familiar :)

I HATE attention. Loathe it. Not a wedding fan at all. Dh (for yes reader, I married him) wanted a wedding. I'd have gone down the town hall with two witnesses or eloped if it was up to me. But in the end, we had a wedding with about 80 people. And you know what? It was absolutely f-ing brilliant. People still tell is it was the best they've ever been to.

Here's what we did.

We talked. All the time, honestly
I realised I should probably compromise as it was important to him

3 . I insisted we did it our way, with a minimum of fuss

So, we found a nice venue, a good caterer, I bought a dress online and we said to our guests, come along, we'd love to see you, no gifts needed, no fuss, no dress code.
We trimmed all the stressful rubbish. Long ceremony ? Nope. We did it in sweden where the ceremony is secular and is basically, do you ? Yes. Do you? Yes. We got a brilliant celebrant who just spoke for five minutes about love and asked us if we did. All I had to say was "yes!" That was it.

6 after that, we had booze, a few snaps and then off for dinner. Everyone was relaxed, no formality no fuss no drama.

You can do it, and it can work out well. It's crucial you do what YOU want to do. Don't let pushy in laws have a say (ours thankfully were lovely) trim all the excess crap away. Who needs chair ribbons, really?
Find something you can be comfy in and just go with it.

Good luck op. I did still have a couple of slight meltdowns but I'm so happy we did it how we did it.

trevortrevorslatterfry · 09/06/2015 16:12

skipton your day sounds fab - just to add that in a UK civil ceremony you can have that option for vows too ( "do you?" "yes").

That's what we had. It's not a very popular choice but it is there .

So no need for you to have loads to do in the ceremony OP, if that will help.

badtime · 09/06/2015 17:43

I'm getting married in a couple of months. I would rather have a registry-office-and-random-witnesses affair, but my partner wants to invite people.

I am just sucking it up, but having the wedding in the late afternoon, then food and drink. Probably no speeches, bouquet etc. and definitely no 'first dance' (which would literally be the first time we would ever dance together!)

ConceptionZilla · 09/06/2015 20:31

Op I had your fear to, and wanted to elope. I ended up agreeing to a small ceremony with minimal fuss, and like an earlier poster said, it was fine - in fact I loved it.
We had a much bigger party afterwards, live band, pimms in the village green etc. we had limited speeches and no tossing the bouquet coz there wasn't one.
bloody marvelous

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 09/06/2015 20:37

Not sure he would go for that as it's still me getting my way!

Um, what?

Does he want a wedding that makes you both happy or does he want to make sure you don't get your way?

Original poster

Slimmerforsummer · 10/06/2015 00:21

That sounded worse than I meant Ketchup. I really should have said " then I wouldn't be compromising and he would"
He's really not budging on numbers so I guess Im gonna have to suck it up! I'm glad to read about all the informal receptions. Would love to just keep it all as informal as possible ( and hope most people can't come! Shh!)

OP posts:

CactusAnnie · 10/06/2015 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sapat · 10/06/2015 01:07

My wedding was 90 guests. After almost 20 years together it was not going to be an extravagant affair, but as you say, you need a bit of a party (it is not a funeral, but a celebration). DH is very shy and being centre stage for a day was why we had waited so long. In the end ours was perfect. We cut a lot of the crap (no bouquet throwing, no bridesmaids, no cake cutting, no first dance, no engagement ring, no wedding ring for him) stuck to basics (good venue, food, booze, a ceilidh with a live band). There was a special moment when I looked at all our guests at the wedding breakfast and felt emotional. These were all the people we loved and who loved us, sharing our special day. We loved every single moment.

geekymommy · 10/06/2015 03:25

Is his one of those families that mostly gets together at weddings and the like, rather than having family reunions? DH's family is like this, which is pretty much the only reason we had a wedding.

My DH refuses to acknowledge that having family reunions, like my family does, is clearly superior. Why is kind of a puzzle- he hates wearing a tux, and never wears a suit or tie unless he has to. He doesn't dance. He's been to my family reunions, and seen that there are no tuxes, ties, high heels, or anything even remotely like that in sight. Nobody dances. Yet he still won't admit that those are better than family weddings. I don't understand this- he's otherwise intelligent, he has a PhD in a science field.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/06/2015 04:18

So he won't budge on numbers? Where's his compromise then?

Is his family the sort to bear a grudge forever over "what their Renee said to our Sharon eleventy million years ago", in which case I can see his point - if he invites one, he has to invite them all, so it really is all or nothing. He obviously wants to make a show out of it, have his family see him marry you - but it appears to be at the expense of your happiness on the day :(

Much though I hate to suggest it, if he's insistent, could you consider maybe doing some hypnotherapy or something to help with your anxiety/panic levels? I realise that this really isn't in the spirit of compromise at all, but if he won't budge, it's either find a way to manage your anxiety or don't do it at all :(

mynewpassion · 10/06/2015 05:11

So the compromise on the table from you is immediate family only, about 16 people, and including you, OH, and 2 DDs will total 20 people. So this is down from the 60 people that he wanted.

The guest lists is a good compromise.

Now, on the this very casual party vs sit down dinner only. What is his idea of a very casual party? Buffet, a quick thank you speech, music in the background but no dancing?

OliviaBenson · 10/06/2015 06:57

Why does he want so many people? It's really difficult when he won't budge. It would be different for me if he was really close to them all and wanted them there, I would compromise. If he's just inviting them because he feels he should or is keeping up appearances then I would refuse to budge myself.

StaceyAndTracey · 10/06/2015 07:19

" That sounded worse than I meant Ketchup. I really should have said " then I wouldn't be compromising and he would"

I don't know if your second post reassures me . Does you partner ever compromise about anything ?

mommyof23kids · 10/06/2015 07:37

We got married in our backyard with 70 guests. No speeches, no dancing and no cake. It was just really relaxed and informal. My dh hates crowds and being the center of attention but he loved the day. We both did.

Original poster

Slimmerforsummer · 10/06/2015 12:08

geekymum yes - get togethers tend to be events like weddings. Most (but not all) went to a first communion a few weeks ago. I couldnt go as my eldest had exams she would have missed, but DP went.

thumbs his compromise is no engagement ring, not a church wedding (he was raised catholic, but non-practicing, im not religious) no after-party (which I think is unrealistic given the size of wedding he wants) and if we did have a party, it would be like any other party - no speeches, bouquet throwing etc. We would have food but while we havent discussed it, it would be bbq style food prob - burgers, hotdogs etc as thats right up his street. (Im fine with that) I did consider hypnotherapy as it would help with anxiety in general I suppose.

Olivia it surprised me that he wanted so many as hes v shy too. But I think its a mix of wanting to bring his family together, as they arent a v close family, and expectations of his family that we will invite everyone.

Stacey basically everything in our lives is my decision. Its a bit of a running joke actually. Most things dont matter - the colour of living room, family days out etc He even wanted me to choose what to do on his birthday. But then a lot of the time the decisions dont matter to me either, but since Im the one then making the decisions almost all the time (which I dislike, but get on with), when it comes to him having a strong opinion it seems like Im always getting "my way"so its about time he gets "his way". I really dont think its a conscious decision for it to seem that way, it just happens. I used to find it attractive how relaxed he is, but the responsibility feels heavy sometimes!

mommy i think having that many people milling around my house would freak me out!

OP posts:

CactusAnnie · 10/06/2015 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yambabe · 10/06/2015 13:31

We did it as others have suggested. The actual ceremony was a weekday at the registry office, just me, DH, our 3 kids and their partners, our grandson. One of his sons was his best man, the other and my son were our witnesses. We went for a Chinese afterwards!

The following Saturday we hired a local sports club and threw a huge celebration party. 150 ish people. Buffet & DJ but no dress code, no presents, just turn up - invited pretty much all our family and friends who came from all over the place, several stayed over. We did have a cake to cut though, even if the only speech was "thanks for coming!"

We had a great time. Our guests had a great time. It definitely worked for us!

StaceyAndTracey · 10/06/2015 14:30

So on things that don't matter to either of you, he won't make a decision so you have to . And this counts as " you getting your own way "

And on things that DO matter to you both, and you disagree, he always gets his own way .

Have I got it right ?

I guess this part of your posts caught my attention , because very few men have stong feelings about their wedding day. most are happy to leave it to the bride . So I was wondering why your situation was different . What do you think ?

Flip

1 2 3