How long did it take you to realise that taking him back after the affair was wrong?

[Dead]

I wanted to fix it - so does he. We are 10 week post DD. I still want to fix it but am finding it v v hard emotionally. Not sure I can do it. Is there a time frame once the dust has settled that you get some clarity as to what is the way forward?

The problem you've got is that he threw in the towel when he cheated and, from what you've said here, he's not overly bothered about fighting for your marriage

How, exactly, is he working on it?

I think that staying in the marriage after an affair is possible, and often the best thing to do, but it requires both parties to work at it.

I agree -- I just read this amazing and short book which gives a blue print of what is essential for him to do if this recovery has any chance of success.

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

It was so close to the bone and very brutal about the low chance of success. I saw that he hasnt done what is required - and hence why I am stressed and anxious with my feelings that his efforts arent enough and we are not pulling through - even though we both want to.

He stayed up last night to read it end to end and recognised that his efforts are currently falling far short - he has promised that he will up his game. I have asked him for us to go thru the book together so that we are both crystal clear what actions need to be done and what exactly is required. He has agreed. I know that i am doing all the researching here and all the resourcing - all I can do now is hand him the tools - it is up to him to pick them up and use them or not. If he doesnt I will continue to feel as I do - and I will walk away.

his efforts arent enough and we are not pulling through - even though we both want to.

What makes you think that he wants to, if he's not even doing what is required (let alone exceeded)? Is it words?

I think you should set a deadline in your head.

IMo, the book 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda J MacDonald can be extremely helpful. As the author many betrayers underestimate the damage the affair inflicted on the faithful partner and even if they really want to mend their relationship they might go about it in the wrong way and ending up with the absolute opposite: the faithful one wants just to leave.
The book is written in a succinct way with no pathos. Hence it does quickly and effectively help the betrayers realize the magnitude of the pain they inflicted to their P. It also provide practical guidelines to the betrayer to help his/her P heal from his affair. Now it does not promise success but it is a kind of road map that can help you assess where your healing stands.
Read it and make him/her read it- rereading to check milestones, progresses or insights is also helpful in my opinion.
How long it takes to fully heal depends on so many factors. It might take years. A lady LetsGototheHills said that it took her three good years. What is important is that you feel that there is progress (the book helps a lot) and softening of your heart (you and only you can feel this).

Sorry I posted too early. I just saw your last post that you already got the book. Yeah it is a good one.
Good Luck!

Viv yes there are words - desperate words of love and apologies - but having read the book and putting that with my heart and how I feel - I know that it is not enough.

But I could not put my finger on what it was I needed him to do - this book lists it all out - he is nowhere near where he needs to be but I do believe he is committed as Ma says ....and even if they really want to mend their relationship they might go about it in the wrong way and ending up with the absolute opposite: the faithful one wants just to leave. -- this is where he is at. Yes we need a clear deadline now - it as to start feeling better soon.

It took 8 months. He promised no contact & I turned up at a party unexpectedly that he was at & he was with OW with his wedding ring in his pocket. Then he called me a bully for challenging him. No more!!!

So how's it going? Has he been going about it the right way?

Last night, as directed by the book, he decided to finally come clean and tell me some missing details that he had lied about. They were not really that significant and would have had no impact on me taking him back or otherwise - so I dont know why he withheld? But as the book says the healing only starts after the last lie - are we at this point - who knows?

this is a useful guide, as mentioned above www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

Thanks for posting the book - really useful to have an e-copy.

How are you all doing?

So for me the "last lie" (how can you ever know it was the last one....?) was 3 weeks ago now.

I "believe" that there is nothing else to reveal - and I feel that the pain/anxiety wrt the affair has faded significantly for me. It is not raw - time heals and all of that.

We have been in cc since shortly after DD and I now believe that he would not go back to OW if I asked for space.

I do need space as I feel v indifferent to him (the hysterical bonding is over...) - but I need to find it in a detached way as I really could not put my children through him moving out again.

I have just started to pick up my social life (alone) again since DD this week and I am having fun. I am not preoccupied by him/it.

It is all very calm - and feel like I am on some sort of indifferent plateau - dont know where it will take me.

We are 8 years post dh's affair. We are strong, happy and committed to each other now. It was a hard road for the first year and then another couple of years before I'd really got over it. I'm glad we worked on it but if I were to have that time again I'm not sure what I'd do, it was hard and horrible.

When I found out, he was immediately and without hesitation determined to make it work with me. He took everything I threw at him and remained staunchly committed, without that I doubt it would've worked. We had counselling too.

He is transparent now, no secrets, we communicate better than we ever did, we take time got each other and do stuff just for us, eve if it's just a cuddle in the kitchen.

18 months post discovering Dh's affair here.

Still think I've made the right decision to stay with DH and he has done his utmost to make things work and repair the damage the affair did.

We are far more loving towards each other, always make time for one another. I honestly think I'm more in love with him than I was before all this and he says (and acts) the same. We try and go out once a week and always have a lovely time. We talk about everything, are far more open about our feelings. I can't wait to see him every evening and it is the same for him.

I also know that if he did up and leave tomorrow I would survive as I have amazing family support, great friends, a job I (mostly) love and hobbies (totally separate to DH) that I find very fulfilling.

That's not to say it's easy - far from it. He is away with work for two nights this week at a conference (OW was a colleague and they slept together at a 'do'. They no longer work together so she wont be there.) I'm dreading it, but more in terms of missing him rather than worrying what he'll be up to.

And if I have any worries I voice them and he does his best to reassure me and asks what he can do to help. He has never attempted to brush stuff under the carpet, although he admits there have been times when he wished he could run away and not face up to what he'd done. He never has though.

It is good to hear positive stories Jones and Lud - I think that I just need to keep building my own life - career, friends, hobbies etc where I will find fulfilment and balance and if things potter along with him in this new indifferent/plateau phase then that will be fine for now.

IMO when a man lies to you in order to have sex with another woman he devalues his currency. And the emotional cost of staying with him is more than he's worth.

The minute he walked down the path with his bags. On his way back in. My heart sank.

stitch did you then separate immediately - or did you try for a period of time?

so great to hear that, lud and Steam! Think of you and root for you from time to time!

You feel guilty for not saying I love you and not getting over it, seriously, he's the wanker, not you, you will never be able to trust him again, he doesn't even sound remotely sorry or bothered about your feelings, that's probably why you are still in limbo!

Fed up of hearing the old line, I am staying for the kids, no you are not, you are staying for your own reasons, whatever they are.

Thanks BloodontheTracks...

Dead, it took me another year. What a waste of time that was.