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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long did it take you to realise that taking him back after the affair was wrong?

73 replies

Dead · 08/06/2015 14:47

I wanted to fix it - so does he. We are 10 week post DD. I still want to fix it but am finding it v v hard emotionally. Not sure I can do it. Is there a time frame once the dust has settled that you get some clarity as to what is the way forward?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/06/2015 13:06

It took me about a day or 2 I think.
It was all a bit of a blur really.
He said something and I just though, NO, I can't do this.
Things will never be the same again.
He will never be the same person to me.
So I had to finish it, for my own sanity.

I always have full admiration for people who work at it all after discovery.
I think it's the hardest option by far.

Only you can make this decision. It's really difficult and no way is the right way. We all handle things differently.

Louboutin37 · 11/06/2015 13:27

6 months for me, in the middle of which I married the pillock. It was already planned, I felt so out of control with a bit of the pick me dance thrown in for good measure. I also knew that if I left before we married I'd have far less rights than as his wife if I stuck it out long enough. Sounds callous but it was true.

3 months into the marriage I caught him messaging a woman on facebook whilst he was at a conference trying to get her to talk dirty to him. I told him that night that he'd fooled me twice and shame on me.

Pontus17 · 11/06/2015 15:45

Dead - I am certain that he would go back to her immediately if I asked him to move out so I could have space.
That is awful. How can you think he really wants to fix it, if you think as soon as he could he would go back to her?
You must worry every time he goes out, or is late home.
That's an awful way to live. I'm not surprised you are finding it hard.

Original poster
Dead · 11/06/2015 15:47

He cant be alone without a woman - it is me or her.

OP posts:
doublechocchip · 11/06/2015 15:50

Glad you like the idea dead yes let's carry on this one.

As soon as I found out I threw him out but after several days and talks later I let him back home mainly due to being so utterly devastated and wanting him to comfort me? He's told me she meant nothing to himself he never will speak or see her again (so he risked all we have for nothing?) I don't know but since the weekend I have been consumed with fury so he's gone again to stay at his dad's house . We've told the kids he's helping his dad out with a few things round the house so is staying for a while.

I don't know if I can come back from this I keep reading the average recovery time from an affair is 2-5 years and I just don't think I can do it without damaging myself as a person. I just hate it all.

SylvaniansAtEase · 11/06/2015 15:59

He cant be alone without a woman - it is me or her.

Jesus, do you even want to be with someone so utterly pathetic?

That cowardice, that weakness, that pathetic nature is exactly what got you here in the first place. It's also going to be the thing that stops you ever feeling better about this, because (as he's showing you already) he still comes first in every way and is not even capable of even beginning to make up for what he's done. Just wants you to shut up and forget. And that weakness is also what makes it odds-on chance that this will, at some point, happen again.

Walk away before you end up in a complete mess. He really isn't worth this hassle.

Pontus17 · 11/06/2015 16:08

He cant be alone without a woman - it is me or her.
This is awful, and no way to live, or reason to stay in a relationship.
Can you be without a man?

dreamingofblueskies · 11/06/2015 16:30

There is a thread called 'marriages in recovery' which may help you. I'm getting help from it in terms of just knowing that I'm not alone in feeling the different things that race through my mind every day.

But the one thing that the thread has helped me to realise is that there are no answers, especially to the 'how long?' question. Sad

I think that if you don't get any feeling from him that he wants you and only you, if you get the feeling that just any female will do, then it might not be worth the effort, because it is bloody hard work trying to get a marriage back to something resembling what you had before. I'm 10 months after DDay and I cried in The Range yesterday because of some soppy canvas about love. Blush

golfwidow53 · 11/06/2015 17:36

Hi Dead, I know exactly how you must be feeling. I am nearly 3 years since DDay and still think about it every day but am able to keep my thoughts to myself! I do still have the odd outburst and like your DH, mine is fed-up with going over everything again and again, as they put it!
Do you have children and is it them that is making you try do you think? I am sure we would have gone our seperate ways if it hadn't been for our DS who is presently doing his GSCE'S. I wish you all the luck and hope you can sort everything out and you can regain the trust, which is the hardest part and may take years!

AnyFucker · 11/06/2015 17:44

If you know he would go straight to ow if you asked him to leave, then surely you have your answer ?

This man is weak, he will betray you again

BathtimeFunkster · 11/06/2015 18:20

If you know he'd be with her like a shot if you dumped him, then she knows it too.

So basically you're both waiting to see who'll win the shittiest prize known to womankind.

Also, if he can't be without a woman ( Hmm ) and you have not been welcoming back with open arms, it's odds on that he's got her on the back burner.

You basically have a gun to your head - "get over this ASAP or I will run off to my mistress."

Marriages can recover from affairs.

But yours won't. Not like this.

Pontus17 · 11/06/2015 18:23

dreamingofblueskies I did exactly the same thing the other day in a garden centre. Found myself crying standing in a section where every bloody item was heart shaped, or had a message about love and happy families on it Envy

dreamingofblueskies · 11/06/2015 19:46

Pontus, every item in the world seems to be about happy families and love at the moment doesn't it? Next is particularly bad with the 'love story' ones. Sad

KatelynB · 11/06/2015 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itwillgetbettersoon · 11/06/2015 21:37

I tried hard to save my marriage when my stbxh had an affair. He can back numerous times. But not once did he really try. On one occasion he was crying saying I can't just forget her. I then thought sod this what am I?? So I asked him to leave numerous times. Eventually ow came and picked him up. They were still in touch etc etc. Three years later I still miss the family life I had and the man I married. But I don't miss the lying, selfish man that he had become. Him and ow are still together but I'm sure that is because he has no where else to run too and can she really trust him???

3mum · 12/06/2015 07:35

It took me about 18 months after discovering his affair - I'm nothing if not determined! During that time my exH told me I was the one for him and a bunch of other lies whilst his actions showed quite the opposite.

I kept finding out that he was still seeing OW, then when she refused to leave her husband for him, he immediately acquired a new mistress who he is marrying later this month. It was at that point when he asked me just to "wait until Christmas when I have got her out of my system" that I belatedly snapped and divorced him. Oh and he "couldn't be alone" either - tosser!

It is such a relief when you decide that the struggle is not worth it - because it isn't and you are selling yourself short.

Original poster
Dead · 12/06/2015 14:00

It is all about rebuilding trust. He says he would not go back to her - I currently dont believe him - so dont trust him - will this change?

OP posts:
Plarail123 · 12/06/2015 14:30

No, I'm afraid not. It is ten years since my DD and I still sometimes have nightmares about it. I am remarried now and so has he. Please leave this man and find someone who deserves you.

BathtimeFunkster · 12/06/2015 15:45

It'll change if you call his bluff and see whether he does go to her.

This would also have the additional benefit of giving you space away from his wheedling and agenda setting.

This is something that he did to you.

His self pity must be nauseating.

Vivacia · 12/06/2015 16:40

Why do women put themselves through this?

AnyFucker · 12/06/2015 17:36

Dead have you taken on board anything that has been said on this thread ? Sad

doublechocchip · 12/06/2015 18:29

Has he stayed with you the whole time dead? Since you found out? I know that dh not being here is good for me to try and figure out what I want. Even if for now it's just the short term planning.

We tried it with him being here but every 10 minutes he was trying to corner me for long chats or I'm sorrys and I just needed space.

babbinocaro · 12/06/2015 22:44

Don't know... still working that one out. All I can say is I have been truly shocked by own naivety in all of this, seen something evil in the discard, the kids will get over it routine from my "husband". At least it confirmed the contemptuous attitude I have often called him out on towards me and kids. I have little respect for him now, nothing has improved - he tries to be nice but there is no real empathy - my sadness is an annoyance to him. If he left tomorrow I probably wouldn't notice as he spends most of time at home exercising or on his iphone "checked out". This is the risk of staying and not properly addressing the situation.

Spikesbiggestfan · 14/06/2015 12:53

Get out now while you can. I'm still here 15 years later, still don't trust him, have compromised everything for the sake of keeping the family together. If I had kicked him out then only had one DD, age 2 would have been soooo much better. Now she is doing A levels & I'm left , old overweight & even more unhappy. I regret it so much. It will never be the same again & utter bollocks that it could be better! Run as fast and as far as you can

Original poster
Dead · 15/06/2015 10:41

AF - yes I am taking on board everything that has been said and it is tough to read and come to terms with that the odds are stacked against us.

My/our aim is to try to salvage something and then to see if it is worth it or is sustainable - we are working through it with counselling - but it is not a straight line but I need to know that I/we have tried our best for ourselves and children before throwing in the towel.

OP posts: