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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed - friend refusing to speak to me!

47 replies

xmasstocking · 13/11/2006 08:29

One of my friends, who I met through work, got pg a month after me so we became quite close during our pregnancies. We both knew we were having boys and although I had decided on a first name for my lo, me and DH couldn't decide on a middle name. My friend told me the names she had decided to call her DS and his first name was ideal for my DS's middle name as both me and DH liked it and it went well with his first name and surname (it is a common name aswell) and we genuinely couldn't think of anything else that we liked as much.

Anyway, both babies were born - mine a month before hers. Unfortunately I was too cowardly to tell her that we had used her babies first name as a middle name for my baby because I thought she would have a problem with it (personally I didn't see it as a particularly big issue) - however, last week (4 months after DS was born) I eventually plucked up the courage to tell her what DS's middle name was and she seemed ok with it and we made plans to meet up again, go shopping etc. But she has since ignored all the texts I have sent and I have left a message on her mobile asking her to let me know what is wrong but she has not replied.

What should I do? I don't know for certain that is what she is upset about but I honestly can't think of anything else but as she won't speak to me or reply to my texts, what else can I do?? Should I just leave it as I do think she is being a tad immature by just not speaking to me - a bit like being at school really! Is using a friend's chosen name a really bad thing to do??

OP posts:

anorak · 13/11/2006 08:35

If her mobile phone is your only point of contact, it could be that it's broken down or something.

But if she really does have the arse about the name, that's ridiculous and unreasonable. She doesn't own the name. She should be flattered that you liked it so much when she was the one who thought of it first.

NotQuiteCockney · 13/11/2006 08:43

If it's a really unusual name, I can sorta see why she's annoyed. No, it's not reasonable, but people aren't reasonable about names, tbh.

It would have been better if you'd had the guts to tell her about it when you decided it, and spoke to her about it - the fact you didn't do it, indicates you knew it wasn't really a nice thing to do.

Original poster

xmasstocking · 13/11/2006 09:02

Notquite cockney - I agree that I should have told her butI was too cowardly and I think maybe that is what she is annoyed about, not me actually using the name. Plus I knew she would have a problem with me using it as she had previously told me that she didn't want me to use it. So, yes, I did know that it wasn't what she wanted and did it anyway - but the name is very common, certainly not unusual and it still does seem quite a trivial thing to me. But I guess I can't make amends if she won't speak to me!

OP posts:

danceswithmonkeys · 13/11/2006 09:04

Listen to anorak, I made the mistake of building up a massive fall out in my head with a friend who wasn't answering texts only to find there was no problem, she had lost her phone....
Just check first!

tissy · 13/11/2006 09:05

Agree that people aren't reasonable when it comes to names.

When my sil was just pregnant with her 3rd child, and before I got pregnant with my one and only, we were discussing names, and I told her that if I ever had a girl, I would call her Polly- it's a name I have loved ever since I was a child.

Her dd was duly born, and they used Polly as a second name. I know it wasn't on their list of names until I mentioned it. I was absolutely gutted, sobbed my heart out, and several years later, it still feels sore. When I had my dd, I couldn't use the name- it felt second best by then. Totally irrational, I know. SIL even asked me why I hadn't used Polly (so must have remembered the conversation), and I told her I couldn't because she had already used it, she just laughed!

Be gentle with your friend. If this has to be the reason why she is upset (rather than just a mobile malfunction) then give her a bit of time, she'll probably come round.

Freckle · 13/11/2006 09:09

Well, it's not as if you used her choice as your ds's first name. I think I would have been a tad annoyed about that. A friend and I were pregnant at the same time with our first children. I told my friend what name I wanted if mine was a girl, but it turned out to be a boy. She knew that, when I had my second, I would still want that name so I was a little miffed when she used it for her second child - needlessly as it turned out because my second was another boy. However, if mine had been a girl, I might have been a little annoyed with her (especially as she had her second a few months before I had mine).

But no one owns a name. Anyone can use it. She's being very immature and frankly can't be that good a friend if she is prepared to let the friendship go on that basis. I certainly would not have given up my friendship because my friend used the name I had chosen.

sandcastles · 13/11/2006 09:19

While I was pg, I once asked my friend if I could use her dd's very unusual middle name as my dd's first name. She said that she didn't have copyright to the name, so I could essentially use it, but explained to me that it was special to her, as it held memories of her Nan. I understood how she felt about it and was courteous enough not to use it.

I doubt this is about the name tho, whether it was common or not. You did something she expressly asked you not to do, then you kept it from her. Of course she doesn't own the name, but she had asked that you not use it. Not so sure that is the best format for a friendship!

I think you need to give her time & understand why she is hurt.

Dior · 13/11/2006 09:24

Message withdrawn

WigWamBam · 13/11/2006 09:25

I agree it sounds trivial on the surface, but maybe it's not the use of the name that she's annoyed with you for. When she asked you not to use her son's name, did you agree? If you lied and told her that you wouldn't use it when you had every intention of doing so, maybe that's what she's peed off with you for.

Original poster

xmasstocking · 13/11/2006 09:57

I know you are right and I perhaps shouldn't have used the name when she had asked me not to - but from what I can remember, at the time, I didn't agree or not agree to use it as me and DH hadn't made our final decision at that point. She only seemed bothered that people at work would think she had copied me (as my DS was due first) so I haven't told anyone at work what DS's middle name is and to be honest, I don't think they would care or think anything of it.

I know she is probably upset about what I did and I know that I am perhaps not the bestest friend to do this anyway - but how can I now make amends if she won't speak to me? Should I just leave it and give her time?

OP posts:

greenday · 13/11/2006 10:07

I wouldn't be upset if my chosen name was used by a friend. But I would be upset if it was done behind my back. I would feel that, if you were my friend, you would sort of respect my feelings enough to let me know beforehand.
I bet if she was really annoyed about you using the name, then she is probably feeling rather irrational and trying to get over it as well. So maybe give her time.

sandcastles · 13/11/2006 10:08

If she won't speak to you then there isn't alot you CAN do. I suppose you could try going to see her, on the pretence that you are worried that she hasn't been answering your messages, but you will have to be prepared for her to be angry & not want to see you.

Peridot30 · 13/11/2006 10:58

I think if i had been pregnant same time as friend i would be miffed if she used the name i had chosen. Wouldn't fall out over it but wouldn't be very happy especially only getting told months down the line.

I wouldn't have chosen a name that a friend had liked. Thankfully my friends and i all have different tastes in kids names.

lulumama · 13/11/2006 11:02

middle name is not quite the same as the same first name..not like he will be called it all the time is it?

although me and a friend have DSs 3 months apart and they have the same first name....c'est la vie! we knew they would have the same name and think it is quite sweet...

you should have mentioned it before, but it's too late now..if she is going to fall out over a middle name, then maybe it is a good job you have fallen out now..imagine if you had a row about something massively important!!

i would be more upset about it not being mentioned..but i wouldn ;t never talk to you again!

maybe her phone is knackered....

you could send her a note and some flowers to apologise?

Original poster

xmasstocking · 13/11/2006 11:47

Thanx lulumama - I was thinking of sending flowers and hoping that it does the trick so I might just do that.

I do feel really bad for not telling her but the longer it went on, the harder it got to mention it. I did drop hints before her baby was born but she never picked up on them and as I hate confrontation, I was too chicken to face it head on.

OP posts:

missymoosal · 13/11/2006 11:56

Sorry to barge through but wtf!!!!! you only used it as a middle name.
She needs to get over herself pdq.
If thats all she has to be stressed about in her life she's a lucky woman.
I wouldn't waste money on flowers you've done nothing wrong don't go grovelling wil only reinforce her own sense of self importance.

lulumama · 13/11/2006 12:02

MM... i see what you mean.....but some mums do get really precious about names... if the friendship is worth salvaging, it is worth a bunch of flowers IMO...

Jimjams2 · 13/11/2006 12:06

oh god agree with missy.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 13/11/2006 19:18

My friend used my Ds first name as a middle name and I was really chuffed and took it as a compliment .

FatThighs · 13/11/2006 19:45

I don't get it - it's his middle name - it's not like it will be used all the time. I gave my son a v.unusual middle name but never really tell anyone because it doesn't come up.

I think the flowers are an admission that you have done something wrong - but I really can't see that you have.

Tell her your brother chose it or something!

BTW Dior

Original poster

xmasstocking · 13/11/2006 19:48

That is my point - does it matter what my DS's middle name is as not many people would know what his middle name is anyway - I struggle to remember my nieces and nephews middle names!

Anyway, I still dont' think I have done anything wrong in using the name, but I have done something wrong in not telling her that I was going to use it. And I am getting more angry by the day that she is ignoring me rather than talking to me and resolving the issue!

OP posts:

missymoosal · 13/11/2006 19:56

Repeat message you have not done anything wrong she does not own the name, you used it as a second nor first name, if she is so petty kick her to the curb. She is not a proper friend if she behaves like this. you should not be 'afraid' to bring up any subject with a genuine friend. The fact you felt uncomfortable indicates you are not in a trusting supprtive relationship with her so cut your losses and move on or else send her a letter that you know she will receive and send her this thread so she can get some perspective in her life.

FatThighs · 13/11/2006 19:56

do you want / need her as a friend?

If she is very sensitive about things and you don't think these things matter that much chances are similar things will happen in the future. maybe you are not made to be friends and if you accept that now you may save yourself a lot of guilt when you can't work out what you have done wrong.

Speak from exp. took me ages to just stop being froends with someone who constantly made me feel bad about myself.

Jimjams2 · 13/11/2006 20:24

agree with missy and fat. Someone like this sounds very hard work. Unless I got a lot in other ways I don't think I could cope- too much like hard work.

Original poster

xmasstocking · 13/11/2006 20:29

Maybe you are right that it wasn't a 'true' friendship - more like circumstances threw us together - we only really became close friends once we knew that we were both TTC and subsequently got pg within a month of each other. I wonder if I am clinging onto it because I don't have many other friends with babies and get quite lonely sometimes during the days and also because I will have to speak to her at work when we both go back so I am trying to salvage the relationship now to make it less awkward?

OP posts:

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