Advice needed - friend refusing to speak to me!

[xmasstocking]

One of my friends, who I met through work, got pg a month after me so we became quite close during our pregnancies. We both knew we were having boys and although I had decided on a first name for my lo, me and DH couldn't decide on a middle name. My friend told me the names she had decided to call her DS and his first name was ideal for my DS's middle name as both me and DH liked it and it went well with his first name and surname (it is a common name aswell) and we genuinely couldn't think of anything else that we liked as much.

Anyway, both babies were born - mine a month before hers. Unfortunately I was too cowardly to tell her that we had used her babies first name as a middle name for my baby because I thought she would have a problem with it (personally I didn't see it as a particularly big issue) - however, last week (4 months after DS was born) I eventually plucked up the courage to tell her what DS's middle name was and she seemed ok with it and we made plans to meet up again, go shopping etc. But she has since ignored all the texts I have sent and I have left a message on her mobile asking her to let me know what is wrong but she has not replied.

What should I do? I don't know for certain that is what she is upset about but I honestly can't think of anything else but as she won't speak to me or reply to my texts, what else can I do?? Should I just leave it as I do think she is being a tad immature by just not speaking to me - a bit like being at school really! Is using a friend's chosen name a really bad thing to do??

Agree that it is not a big deal but do think the not telling her looks bad and that is probably why she is bothered, that I can understand.

Have to diasgree with missy - if you are not in a "trusting, supportive relationship" with her it is because you have broken the trust by doing this behind her back. You are afraid to bring this up because you know you have done something that she asked you not to do and caused her to be upset, whether you think she should be upset or not. However I have to agree that you probably shouldn't be friends with this person.

Nope I still don't get why people would be worried about this. We considered calling my ds3 the same name as my bf;s ds4 (she was quite keen that we did although we didn't), another friend told me that my ds1's name (not that common) was on her list for ds2, we were fine about it, another friend called her ds3 the same name as our ds2- fine again- we had considered her ds2's name for our ds3, and in fact our ds3's middle name is the same as one of the friend's already mentioned ds1.

Anyone who gets upset about this is being over-precious. The only reason I can imagine being pissed off is either if it was a family member "stealing" a first name, or the dog one , or someone had made up a first name that was then "stolen" Othewise I mean purleaaase. As for the work thing-- your friend needs to learn that the people at work are not going to be that interested in her baby- they have their own lives.

Send her the odd text asking to meet up - in case her phone has broken, but really do not do flowers etc, I'd just carry on as normal- chatty etc- wouldn't have a row about it, just wouldn't mention it- if she's upset about this she's being a princess.

I really don't get why friends get so so het up about other friends using 'their' name. (Family I can understand a bit more) Of all the people my mum was friends with when she had my sister and I, she's still close to one of them. The rest have either fallen by the wayside or they keep in touch via a Christmas round robin letter. Is it really going to make any difference to anything in the grand scheme of things whether you used her ds's name in the middle? I've got a group of about 8 friends who I met antenatally and I have no idea what most of their middle names are. If she's that precious about a fairly common boy's name then I'd let her get on with it. There are far more important things in life than getting stressed about a middle name for goodness sake.

My neighbour chose the same name as my dd and i was really flattered!
Having said that her phone is probably broken-- and if it's not i really think she is being childish

Focus more of your attention on finding more friends with babies, then you won't be so worried about this particular friend.

My husband's brother's wife's sister called her baby girl the same first name as my daughter.

We are very friendlt with them and see them a lot. I was really flattered they had chosen the same name!
Is your friend suffering from pnd?
her reaction is a bit strange.

both my boys have unusual names and I would be delighted if someone I knew chose the same name.

It probably wasn't right of you to keep it from her, but I think asking you not to use the name (particularly if it's a common one) was a bit steep, tbh - let's face it, she doesn't own the copyright. A close friend and I, both hoping for second babies at some point in the near future, like several of the same names. We've discussed it briefly and neither of us would mind if one of 'our' (fgs) names was used by the other.

I am sorry to hear that you are finding ti difficult to make friends - I too found this bit hard - having gone from work and lots of people to just me and a baby - I sought out adult company whenever I could and this is where I became friends with people I didn't have much in common.

Keep trawling round to NCT groups, baby groups etc whenever you have the energy. After 5 months of feeling lonely and not meeting anyone I had in common I met a wonderful woman and we ended up seeing each other almost every day - I have now moved away but we still speak regualrly and go away together with our children in the summer - so you will meet great people who are right for you, just keep at it and don't think you will never meet anyone.

Best wishes and come here - I do when I need an adult pick me up!

Lots of love

Fatthighs - thanks for your kind words - it is really hard work to make friends and the couple of baby groups I have been to have been very cliquey and I have sat there feeling even more lonely so it kinda puts you off.

I am going to contact the NCT and see if there is anything local to me.

Unfortunately I am spending inordinate amounts of time on MN just for something to do and some adult, normal conversation!! My Ds will grow up with square eyes as he sits with me in front of the PC all the time

I remember being invited to a NCT coffee morning when dd was 3 weeks old. Had to really force myself to go but 14 years on, i have some good friends from that group.

Hope you make some good friends soon. It is an effort at first, but it is worth it. xx

Well - how stupid do I feel??? I sent flowers to apologise as I was starting to feel guilty about not telling her (not about using the name though ) - have just spoken to her and her phone was broken - she hasn't been receiving any texts/calls from other networks!! Feel v stupid and embarrassed but at least she got some nice flowers!!

Thanks for all your advice anyway - teach me not to overreact or be paranoid I guess.

Are you sure it was broken?!
Did the conversation occur after the flowers delivered or before?
If after said delivery did tell you not to

It did occur after the flowers had been delivered but it was a very elaborate tale that she made up if she did (all about how she has been into the shop and they need evidence of 5 messages that were sent to her etc etc) - I did regret sending the flowers pretty soon after I did it when other posts (including yours) came in and made me think she was overreacting bt it was too late to stop them.

Anyway, I accept you were right and I have wasted money on flowers - but I have learnt my lesson (hopefully!)

Hmmmmm me thinks she protesth too much!!
Actually she sounds as if she's been put on the back foot slightly. Super involved explanations are a sure indication of guilt!!
Maybe she has had a reality check and might be a bit less stressy about the small stuff.
You sound so nice I'm sure you will meet some likeminded mums soon.

Missy - thanks v much for your kind words. I will persevere with the baby groups etc until I meet some nice mums like you lot on MN!

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xmasstocking - just put it behind you now - it is all sorted and hopefully it won't come up again. I echo what I said before about how if there is a misunderstanding about this there may be others to come but you do need a friend (as she does too) and there will be common ground. I did this when I first had a baby.

This was simliar when I started university - I had trouble meeting like minded people, there wasd another girl in the same position but we had NOTHING in common - she just was the opposite of me, but we basically almost blantantly said to each other 'well we need someoen to go out with and you will do for now' (a bit more subtle than that mind!) So we went out to clubs and fro drinks and for lunch and eventually we both met people we had more in common with, but we wouldn't have done that if we hadn't been out and about and we wouldn't have been out and about without each other. Funny thing is that during those times we found enough common ground and remained friends through University - never great friends, but the odd coffee here and there.

What I am trtying to say in a rather round about way is that you and your friend can go to coffee mornings adn baby groups to save going on your own, but make an effort there to talk to others. You will find people more like you and you will remain friends, but you won't be relying solely on each other and so hiccups in the friendship won't be a big deal. You won't be using her as she will benefit too.

Sorry if this reads as a bit patronising, but I was in a similiar position and it all was fine in the end (even though I never believed it would be.)

I also agree with missymoosal - you sound lovely so you will meet someone soon. If I chatted to you at a baby group I would take you number and have you round for lunch before you could say 'broken mobile phone'

Aw, thanks v much - what a lovely thing to say - particularly as I feel this thread doesn't exactly paint me in a positive light (pinching my friend's name and then not telling her!)

Thanks for the positive story - I know friends do come and go and some friends are there just to get you through a particular period of your life. I guess I am also finding it hard as my family don't live close by, apart from my sister but she has quite a high-powered job and works tons of hours so it can get quite lonely.

NCT - here I come!

Oh FFS if people aren't reasonable about names (or anything for that matter) why on earth should anyone else pander to them?

I can't believe anyone thinks this mad old bint has a point.

Majorca - thanks for the advice. I have just been on the netsmum website and although my local site is not up and running I have posted on the message board and e-mailed a couple of other mums who have posted - feel much better for actually doing something rather than sitting here being bored!

Thanks again
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