Got 'played' by a nice guy

[niceupthedance]

Feeling very stupid and more than a bit upset at the latest online dating mug-off and wondering where I went wrong?

My history with online dating has not been good. Last two men I had sex with disappeared afterwards (I don't have sex with everyone I date), so that hit me pretty hard. The first had done the three-date 'say the right things' and then disappeared, the second I slept with on the first date (so to be expected I suppose). But I was determined not to make it a hat-trick.

So met this guy, he is totally different from my usual type; respectful, feminist, quite a deep thinker sort. He came with his own problems - namely a pregnant ex from a fling, which he told me about on the second date (just after he had presented me with a book he thought I would like). I spent a while talking to him about my expectations; that I didn't want to have sex with anyone if they were not sure about continuing to date afterwards, he reassured me that he was not a "going for the goal" type chap so date three lasted all weekend and was very pleasant. (!)

After that, I was unavailable for two weekends and then had an operation. He offered to 'keep in touch', which he did, loosely, which was fine. I did notice though that if I mentioned meeting up when I was child free (eg on a weekday) he was busy, and did not offer an alternative. This pattern has continued for six weeks. I have called him on it once, he was adamant that he was 'keen' to see me still. Yet the last message, which was a reply to my asking when he was free, was him saying he had started his course and things would be full on this week and the next. So obviously I have cut my losses and wished him well.

So in summary, how can you continue to date when you can't trust your own judgment, or believe anything anyone says? I feel like whoever I choose they end up being a game playing dickhead, whatever they say. Feeling very miserable this evening.

No of course you're not wrong to expect common courtesy! First guy was a prick for not coming out with it even by text and second guy is a prick for stringing you along. Maybe he does want to see you again but not enough to actually make the effort. I'd dump and move on if I were you.

I don't think you were played as such, I think he probably went out on other dates in the three weeks you were unavailable and met someone else. Until you've had the exclusivity talk you should always assume there are others on the scene. You've really dated very little in the grand scheme. You need to adopt a more breezy detached approach. Date a few men at once, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't sleep with them all and don't dwell too long when they don't work out. Just move on quickly to the next one.

Op I mentioned having a fwb whilst keeping to just dating with regards to oline. I found that when I decided to give od a go after friends kept telling me to give it a go (single mum of 2, living in village etc), that it felt like a culture shock! Last time I dated was when I was 20! The whole dating scene had changed due to tech. Online/skype/text omg! It felt really fucking daunting.

So I used a throw away email didn't hand out my phone no.....skype has a fab block feature etc. did background checks on the men I dated after finding out one was married and another was going down for murder!!!! So internet dating hygiene was put in place, check every person I was intending to meet.

I had sex with the first couple of men as I hadn't had sex very much since leaving my xh some years before. I am a very sexual woman, it is one of my fav pastimes! Well this I didn't want really, casual one offs, so one of the men I had a fwb relationship with. I was upfront and honest with what I was asking for. He was lovely, excellent company and we became friends. I went back onto od but chose a smaller site that you had to pay. Without that I want a fuck drive taken care of I could take my time and meet up with dates. I met my fiancé during this time, we became friends for a few months, then one day we kissed. We haven't stopped kissing 3 years on.

So don't give up! But do stick to your values. Good luck.

I spent a while talking to him about my expectations; that I didn't want to have sex with anyone if they were not sure about continuing to date afterwards

But how could he be sure? Feelings can change. Levels of interest can change. He had no idea of your sexual compatibility before you had sex, and a lack of that can cause things to change too. People do have a right to change their minds you know.

I understand that you want to avoid the fuck and runners. But your strategy of telling men that you don't want to have sex unless they are sure they will want to continue dating afterwards is useless. Firstly, the committed fuck and runners are hardly going to admit what they're up to, and secondly, you can't expect folk to make binding promises when they are still only just getting to know you.

To be frank, if a man said to me what you'd said to this guy, I would find it a bit off putting. I'd feel a bit like he was trying to corner me.

All that said, I'm sorry you're feeling down about it all. I've had my fair share of online dating experience in the past (gave it up in the end) and you do need skin like a rhino. I don't have skin like a rhino. Hence the giving it up. I'd rather be single and pursue happiness elsewhere.

I get your point fishfingers. I did say I wanted to avoid it, I didn't ask for a commitment except I expected him to communicate with me afterwards and not do a runner. So he sent me a text as soon as he'd left my house. Anyway I'm aware I might sound like a lunatic from these out of context snippets, but I can assure you he was matching me for intensity.

Anyway I'm giving up dating for the rest of the year. I can't be fucking arsed with it.

Somebody mentioned 'The Rules'. I stopped reading this thread then and there.

OP, I online dayed for a bit and my only advice is, stop treating it so seriously. Have fun, go on dates, have fun, accept they may just be dates, have fun.

Did I mention the having fun bit?

Somebody mentioned 'The Rules'. I stopped reading this thread then and there.

That seems an extreme and pointless reaction.

You do know that threads are not written by one person?

So if one poster mentions something that makes you disregard their opinion, subsequent posters maystill have valuable things to say.

The Rules would actually of helped the OPin this occasion. Part of The Rules is being lighthearted and fun on dates. She wouldn't have felt the need tog is her date a lecture about her expectations. And the issue of sleeping with him wouldn't have arisen because it would have bed far too early to consider.

He's just not that into you....

If he is, being in hospital makes no difference, he'd call or visit or send flowers. Being on a course doesn't matter, he'd make time for a coffee. Any guy who likes you makes the time.

Sex isn't the issue.

I really don't get why people feel they should have sex after a couple of dates to cement a new relationship. If you want sex, fine, but if you want to get close to someone, do that first. I used to reckon roughly 80 - 100 hours in someone's company - the equivalent of two weeks work on an intensive project, befor eyou could tell if you really clicked. It takes that long to see people as they really are, not on date behaviour.

I do think OD brings out the worst in many men though, the whole kid in a candy store idea comes to mind and my friends who have done it found it emotionally bruising and had a lot of encounters similar to what you describe- men all out for fun and quite forward early on, then disappearing as quickly as they arrived, presumably because some other possibility had presented itself.

^This^

You've been unlucky, you didn't do anything wrong.

I agree penguins. I met Dp online and didn't wait. We're getting married soon. A few friends had similar experiences.

hang on.

He has a pregnant ex? Doesn't waste any time, does he????!!!??!!

Oh, and "feminist" men? Run for the hills.

Agree with Penguins on first page.

If you like them, sleep with them when you want to sleep with them. If you don't like them, don't sleep with them.

You also don't need a man to service your sexual needs. There are devices out there to do that for you.

And yes, I met OH online, knew each other a while before meeting in person. First date = at it like rabbits. Still together nearly two years later. It's the bloke, not the sex.