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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Depressed hubby.

32 replies

Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 07:49

Hubby took anabolic steroids and left. He's come home and has been for 4 weeks now. He's been off gear for 8-9 weeks.
However is depressed since coming off.
If you've seen me post I've been trying to get the spark back between us.
I've dressed up a few times which we both enjoyed.
But whilst he's depressed about money and leaving me as well as taking something I don't agree with because it changed him in to a nasty narccistic arse, he's questioned his love for me, but he also has times with the kids where he's not into them or into his new job? The job he's been talking about finally getting for 5 years.

Dr prescribed him Sertraline 50mg he's on day two of taking them.

Has anyone got advise on how to bring the love spark back? Or am I doing ok atm.
We've got hooked on prison break boxset on sky, I bought a wowcher to your around his fav footy team stadium.
I'm trying to work on out friendship and old banter and hope it clicks in his head.
How do I deal with him on down days? Do I asking he's ok and then just leave it or act like everything is fine ?
And has anyone been On these anti d's before and can share when they started to feel better?
Do you question feelings for someone/something whilst depressed?

Sorry so many questions. Really wanting our marriage to work.

Ps on marriage counselling waiting list.

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Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 07:51

Sorry about spelling error! On my iphone

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ALaughAMinute · 04/06/2015 08:01

I'm not sure you can do much more than you're doing.

If your husband wants the marriage work then he's the one who has to make the changes!

You said there are times when he's not into his new job or the kids - what's he going to do about it?

It sounds to me as if you are being very patient with him.

Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 08:07

He just seems to be just getting on with it? He's not big on communication. Very frustrating for me. I'm also focussing on me too so I don't get too low about it all. Was the worst 3 months of my life. However he kept telling me he loves me. 2 weeks ago it's "il always love you but I don't think I'm in love" but also mentioned his he's a crap dad and he's traded in our old family car and got us an audi the car he's wanted us to have for a whole but isn't excited to drive it like he thinks he should.
He says he's up n down.
But he's now on anti d and I'm praying we can turn this around.

His changes was excepting help my support for steroid abuse x

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Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 08:08

He's taking us all out to Alton Towers this weekend that's if it re opens by then?

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Joysmum · 04/06/2015 08:20

Sertraline takes about 4 weeks to build up and have an effect, even then it may not be enough and doseage increased by another 50mg in increments up to 200mg. You may find it takes a while to get to him correct doseage.

On down days, I don't make a big thing of it. I give a quick hug or squeeze of the hand with a light smile and say that I'm here for you if you need me and am more attentive in taking drinks.

ALaughAMinute · 04/06/2015 08:22

The anti-depressants may help him but they are not quick fix.

He needs to make changes in order to turn his life around. Have you forgiven him for taking the steroids? How do you feel about him not being into the kids or his new job? Sorry to say but he doesn't sound like a very good father or husband. How do you know he's not going to fuck up again? Has he told you he's going to change?

Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 08:28

He's on about getting into more running and building a cabin at the bottom of the garden for his gym so he's not tempted?

He's not turned down counselling and has said he's willing.

Days he will come in and not stop cuddling our 3 year old. Some days he needs to go upto our room to have 10 mins too himself before joining us? I'm not pushing him to talk as I find he back pedals x

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Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 08:44

Forgiven not yet? As I said il believe it when I see he's following through with help x

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ALaughAMinute · 04/06/2015 09:04

It's good that he's taking some positive steps to get his life back on track. Have you made a list of the changes he needs to make? Are you going to put a time limit on it?

You said you don't want to push him but it sounds to me like you need to be more assertive.

Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 09:10

I've told him he needs to make more effort with the kids and me.
Get the help and take whatever advise or tablets the go ours forward for him.
Basically have a bloody word with himself.

But I guess men deal with one thing at a time?

It's positive he's spoken to his dr three times now and is taking the tablets.
He's said he can't obviously take steroids because of how it makes him. Daily stresses turn him into a raging idiot, snappy!
I've told him he ever touches them again I want a divorce and I'm staying in our house with the kids.
We've only owned it two years and lived in it 6 months due to renovations.

That was another stress we've had build up and make us drift apart is arguing and getting frustrated with the house and no money left.

It's knowing how to deal with the down days I feel I'm on egg shells and anxious when he's due to come home from work. I find myself saying "will he be ok funny n laid back or quiet n sad looking where I can't get a word out of him?"

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Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 09:14

Gp puts forward>sorry bloody phone

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ALaughAMinute · 04/06/2015 09:24

"It's knowing how to deal with the down days I feel I'm on egg shells and anxious when he's due to come home from work. I find myself saying "will he be ok funny n laid back or quiet n sad looking where I can't get a word out of him?"

This is no way for anyone to live especially after what he's put you through. What was he like before he started taking the steroids?

Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 09:31

Laid back and funny but yes he did get down about money he doesn't like owing money, we had to put wood and concrete etc on a credit card interest free to help put the house back together.
Whilst he's been gone and lives at his mums (who is not supportive and crap at dealing with problems (we aren't talking) he's racked up a £4k credit card he got whilst living there. He told me when he come home and said he actually doesnt know what it went on! I do buying stone island clothes and designer stuff. He did but a few bits for the kids but on gear it was like he was rebelling.

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Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 09:37

Think he bought the stuff to fill the void? He said he was happy buying but then it wore off.
Is that something depressed people do? It's like he was trying to buy happiness

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twistletonsmythe · 04/06/2015 09:49

It looks to me like you are so busy dancing to his tune that your own needs are being ignored. He took steroids, got into debt, left you ....

Your OP reads like you are doing the pick me dance after he has had an affair. Seems a bit demeaning to me.

ALaughAMinute · 04/06/2015 09:52

This is getting worse by the minute.

Please think very carefully about what he's done and what he could potentially do next.

If he's run up a £4k credit card debt, he could get you into debt if you're not careful. What if he loses his job and can't pay the credit card bill or the mortgage if you have one?

If you go to the CAB they will be able to give you financial advice, either independently or as a couple. They may also be able to speak to the creditors and arrange to freeze the interest on the debt on your husband's behalf. Have you checked your bank statements lately? Could he be running up other debts?

Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 09:53

He hasn't had an affair. He was texting me and wanting me tbh.
It's since he came back he's questioned himself saying he thinks it's his depression?

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Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 09:55

Joint bank account I've checked. Mortgage has been paid and all the bills. He did carry on paying all the bills whilst he was gone even my phone bill.
He didn't technically leave willing I asked him to leave because his attitude towards me stank on gear and was argumentative.

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twistletonsmythe · 04/06/2015 09:56

I didn't say he had an affair - but your behaviour is of a cheated on wife who is bending over backwards to keep a feckless bloke. Maybe you need to forget the steroids and actually look at his behaviour towards you - because it doesn't look good from where we are sitting.

ALaughAMinute · 04/06/2015 09:59

If he's depressed then it's his own doing. He has to take responsibility for his own actions.

He has behaved irresponsibly and you are in danger of getting into debt.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 10:07

I know. I've given him the riot act in the first few weeks.
He said I do know what I've done and I don't want it ramming down my neck I am trying.
Since then I've focused more on me as well as the kids and the marriage.
I start an online book keeping n accounting course next week as well as running my own little part time business.
Before I kicked him out I did nag a lot!!!!! And it took a lot out of him. I'd also moan about his mum, a big no no but she is a game player and I don't think she ever wanted me to be with/marry her blue eyed boy. She's say subtle things and I'd tell dh about it. I've realised where I went wrong, he said he knows where he went wrong too. Maybe I'm naive? But I do love him and he was my best friend and I was his. We bought the house and it took so much out of us. But I can deal with tough times he obviously can't and has thought sod it.

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ALaughAMinute · 04/06/2015 10:16

Sod it is not good enough! He's seriously fucked up and if you don't do something about it you could end up losing everything!

There might come a day when you wish you'd listened to me. I hope not for your sake.

Mide7 · 04/06/2015 10:19

Everything I've read about roids says that "roid rage" is generally a myth but what they can do is, magnify your personality. So maybe how he was on gear was his real personality coming out.

Just a thought

Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 10:20

Maybe but I've been with him 10 years and he's never come across like that before.

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Original poster
Whatnext2015 · 04/06/2015 10:21

He's said his heads a mess and he's fed up of feeling like this x

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