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Relationships

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Original poster

'Second family'... things to consider?

32 replies

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 21:28

Hello!
My BF is moving in with me and 3 DD's next month. I think I've finally managed to find myself a good 'un!
We have discussed in broad terms having a baby together in the future, which is something we are both looking forward to.
He has no children and obviously I have 3, so I do have the practical experience of parenting myself, so I'm not going in blind, iykwim. I had my 3 whilst I was married and I think i might be overthinking things! I'm trying to know in my head that I've considered as many things as possible, for my sake and for my girls, so I don't make any of the same mistakes that have got me to where I am now! I'm not sure this makes much sense, but I think what I'm asking is, what do i need to consider when having a baby with someone who is not my existing children's dad?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/06/2015 21:28

Blimey! Maybe move in first and see how it goes for a year or more before considering a baby!

Offred · 03/06/2015 21:34

Err... Biggest one is don't rush in! Let him move in and get used to your existing children and see how he gets on in a stepdad role and whether you are all comfortable with living with each other and compatible in a serious relationship before you even decide whether to have a baby with him!

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 21:36

Haha, yes that it what i was thinking of doing! I'm just trying to give myself plenty of time to think over things and consider stuff before committing to TTC. In my head, I've got next year as a time to think more seriously about timings for a baby, but as I already have 3, I have more people to consider than just myself and BF. No intentions of rushing anything

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Offred · 03/06/2015 21:38

But you are already planning when you will have time to TTC! You need to relax and not put pressure on things by thinking this over so intensely so early on IMO. Are you worried that if you don't plan for a baby he will want to leave for someone else who will?

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 21:38

Thanks both, just was hoping for other peoples thoughts and experiences of having more children and what i might need to consider that i haven't already/will do once we live together.

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Rebecca2014 · 03/06/2015 21:40

Um yes what the other posters said. Just enjoy having your boyfriend living with you and see how he blends with your children. I really would not be thinking of having a baby at this point.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 21:41

No I don't think I am worried about that. I have asked him before how he would feel if i didn't want any more and he said he would be ok with that, whilst he wants children of his own, he knows that we both have to want it.

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Offred · 03/06/2015 21:41

It's really just that - seeing how compatible he is with your existing established family and whether he is a trustworthy and responsible person etc. beyond that it's really very individual related to each person's situation which throws up issues to be overcome but these get unmasked when you live together as a family first and you either work through them satisfactorily or you don't!

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 21:44

I do intend to enjoy living with him, I'm looking forward to the fun times ahead, and seeing how we cope with the not so fun times. Its just a thought for the future, and I'm trying to think of what I need to think about. I am in no rush to get pregnant.

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Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 21:46

Yes Offred, I guess only time will tell what our issues turn out to be, and how we will face them.

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Offred · 03/06/2015 21:49

If he is ok with not having DC if you are not ready/don't want to then you only put pressure on yourself and the relationship by thinking through when you will have time. You don't know yet how you will feel or where your relationship will go. Take things one step at a time and don't think so far ahead as you'll create issues in the relationship for no reason!

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 21:53

True, I think I like to know where things are going/how they might be in the future. Maybe i should try not to feel like that.

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Offred · 03/06/2015 21:56

Was nearly in a similar situation with current BF. He has no DC, I have 4. I have been clear that I may never want anymore and that I am moving into the next stage of my life where career will make it harder for me to consider any more. I spent a brief time worrying that, as he really wants DC, he would string me along and then leave for someone younger as he was pushing for a serious relationship that I didn't feel ready for. Now, I have realised that I actually don't really see him as serious relationship potential (right now anyway - he's quite immature) and I don't want anything more than dating, I start feeling crowded if he is at my house for longer than a day/night and that is ok. I don't need to have a serious relationship with him, I like how things are - casual but exclusive. I'm not sure I will ever want to live with him. I had got caught in a trap of thinking I had to 'do right by my kids' by getting serious and therefore stable... Not sure this is you but it did make me wonder if there was an element of that - urge to consolidate a relationship into a family because you have DC already and to put his priorities ahead of yours so you don't put the kids through another break up?

QuiteLikely5 · 03/06/2015 21:57

I'm thinking he has already spent lots of time at your house so he knows what he's letting himself on for? Well spent full days and nights?

Having no children to three is a massive, huge thing for anyone!

I would not even think about another baby at this point.

It's a concern that he said if you don't want another he would be fine with that.......usually you want a child or you don't.

I k ow I sound negative but just err on the side of caution is what I'm saying

Str1p3yl3af · 03/06/2015 22:01

I think it's a really good question. Loads of second families are out there in all shapes and sizes.

I'm in a similar position. Although we are now married.

Do your 3 go to their Dads? The reason I ask is that when mine are with their dad and it's just my dh and I, it's so lovely. I really treasure that 'alone' time.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 22:04

Not really, I didn't really want, certainly wasn't looking, for a serious relationship, much too much else to do with 3 children, a job etc. But then he came along, I was happy to date and just have some fun for me, but I don't want to deny that this feels like so much more than that. I feel very happy in myself and not averse to being single, but he makes my life happier and better and he supports me.
I would always break up with someone if it was the right thing, because of my children, as leaving their father was the hardest thing, nothing could be worse than that and yet it was the best thing for all of us.

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FlabulousChix · 03/06/2015 22:04

Any child you and he have he will treat differently to your dds. He will favour his own child over yours.

MMcanny · 03/06/2015 22:08

You know if he's a convicted paedo and social services are keeping tabs on him, they won't tell you until he's moved in, so don't go concieving just yet. If your kids tell you he's doing anything improper, believe them and put him out.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 22:09

Yup thats definitely one thing I have thought of! Currently we have 3 nights a week (ish) while they are at their dads and I do relish that adult time, much as i miss them. It would mean no more lay ins and relaxed days just the two of us. Thats why its not for right now!
He does spend quite a lot of time with us a family already, so I think he knows some of what he is getting into! Mind you, in a few years time there will be 4 girls in the house with mood swings etc!

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Offred · 03/06/2015 22:11

That's crap flabulous. My xh treats and feels for all four DC the same and only the twins are his biological children.

Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 22:12

That is definitely something to consider Flab how do other people deal with this?
i will always believe my children over something like that MM

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Original poster

Soapy81 · 03/06/2015 22:15

Thank you Offred I thought i was being naive to think not all step parents feel like that!

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Offred · 03/06/2015 22:16

I left xh for other reasons but if he had treated 'my' DC differently to 'ours' I would have left for that reason - no child should be a second class citizen in their own home.

Offred · 03/06/2015 22:18

You'll get a feel for that kind of thing from living together - not always but usually anyway. How he interacts with the DC you have - coming to parents evenings etc putting in the hard parenting work with you jointly etc

Offred · 03/06/2015 22:25

But you do need to give it past the honeymoon phase and into the mundanity phase to ensure he isn't just making a special effort and actually does feel a part of the family.

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