'Second family'... things to consider?

[Soapy81]

Hello!
My BF is moving in with me and 3 DD's next month. I think I've finally managed to find myself a good 'un!
We have discussed in broad terms having a baby together in the future, which is something we are both looking forward to.
He has no children and obviously I have 3, so I do have the practical experience of parenting myself, so I'm not going in blind, iykwim. I had my 3 whilst I was married and I think i might be overthinking things! I'm trying to know in my head that I've considered as many things as possible, for my sake and for my girls, so I don't make any of the same mistakes that have got me to where I am now! I'm not sure this makes much sense, but I think what I'm asking is, what do i need to consider when having a baby with someone who is not my existing children's dad?
Thanks in advance!

Ok thank you. So far I would say that he is becoming part of the family. He's good at attending the children's events, he's very good with them and encouraging and supportive of their interests and abilities. I enjoy having someone to discuss parenting stuff with. We talk a lot about things, and what comes across to me most is that he is interested and cares about them. I will definitely try to keep that in mind, let the excitement of it all fade a bit, on all sides and then see how and where we are.

All looking good then! Living together may still be an adjustment but if he loves the DC as well as you you should get through it. I found it hard not to be bossy and just let dh adjust to parenting and this caused a bit of friction. In the beginning of living together we transitioned slowly from mummy's BF to their stepdad as he became more confident with parenting.

I was in a similar situation and in the end dp and I decided (jointly) NOT to have a child. While I would have dearly loved for us to have a child together, and he would have loved to have a baby of his own, in the end we decided that the stability, security and happiness of the existing dc was more important.

The things which felt like a risk were:

• how the dc would feel if they went to their Dads several nights and the baby stayed with us, would they feel shipped around by comparison? Would they feel jealous that the baby got to stay with us all the time?
• would the attention given to a new baby drive them to want to spend more time with their dad and less with us?
• could my dp honestly know whether he would favour his own child (emotionally, not in how he behaved)?
• instead of really looking forward to having the dc with us, would we be tired all the time and not feel the same freshness which we do after 2 days with no dc in the house?

Long hard deliberations, and for us, subsequent events as the dc became teenage made us glad about the decision we had made.

Thank you, that is something I have thought about, the way they might feel of a younger sibling getting to stay with me when they can't. Their father has got 3 step children now and has just had a new baby. Its good to see how that situation will effect them and I can talk to them about their feelings about it.

I have to disagree that a stepfather always treats his own kids better. I'm sure it does happen, but it's not a given. My own stepfather I can say, hand on heart, has never made any distinction between any of us.
He is a remarkable man and although it was the norm for me growing up, I think now I realise how valuable that is.

Agree that you should take it easy and take ttc off the table for a year at least. Let him show you how good a father is can be before you have another, and if he's found wanting, don't have one at all,

Interesting thread op, I have just asked a similar question to you, although different family circumstances and we're not living together yet. How old are you, out of interest?

Hi soozey I've just read your thread! I am almost 34. I feel similar to you in that I've had three already in much more difficult circumstances than i am in now. But different to you in that my children have already seen one serious breakdown of relationship and i would not want that to happen to another child.