Porn & husband (maybe TMI/ shocking!)

[Scattymere]

hi all
my DH used to look at porn more regularly- say few times a week, and confessed to me he likes watching women basically do number2s, as he finds it so intimate/amazing to see a woman share such a special thing. I Dont get it at all. to me its gross/grim. he said past girlfriends has engaged in some behaviour surrounding it, but i made it clear i couldn't go that far, ever. he dealt with it and as i asked said he'd try to stop this porn watching/give it up. We are now married with a young DD. i found laptop last night and he'd logged onto a site to watch it...

i dont "mind" porn per see as have watched it myself/am pretty open minded, but find this type, as its so grim to me and also something I won't/can't share with him, really shocking and bit upsetting. I told him in text and he said very sorry and embarrassed, was as was so stressed as know he's had awful few days at work and very stressful day coming up today.. and wont doit again, knows its bad...he has a very senior/long hours/stressful job in city. Our sex life isn't the best either, just so knackered since having DD and he is very affectionate/sees hugs/kissing as trying to initiate (when I dont read these signs) and i often bat him away.
Anyway, just wandering if you think this is very very worrying? thanks.

I don't know that I would consider it worrying, I think it is just very personal as to whether you can live with it.

It sounds like you knew before you married that he had an interest in this area. Did you agree that he would stop looking at anything of this nature and he has gone back on that promise? It doesn't sound like this is something he can cut out of his life and watching it a few times a week previously is rather a lot.

There are lots of people who would find this interest off putting, but I don't think you can reasonably object now if you have "condoned" it at other times in your relationship.

Interesting username there Scattymere.

I personally can't think of anything worse, ewww ewwww yuck but it doesn't do any harm i guess. I do engage in watersports with DP occasionally but no2, no thank you very much, totally different thing.

I wouldn't be able to respect someone after knowing this.

Personally I could never take part in doing anything involving wee or poo. I can't say how I would feel if my partner was into that either. Like you, I find it gross and it freaks me out.

But how is this porn any different to other types?
I know you said you don't 'mind' porn but I have a feeling (apologies if I'm wrong) that regardless of what porn he was watching you would still feel hurt, but it feels worse now because you find that particular type of porn gross.

Some people think it's disgusting to put someone's penis in their mouth. Perhaps they would feel the same as you do now if they found out their husband was watching porn focussing on that?

In all honesty I think the main reason why this is such an issue is because you aren't happy with your sex life and it's clear you're both stressed.
Try and make time for each other and have sex. It's so important.

Does he do enough to help around the house or with the kids?

Frankly, if that's what he's into and that's his fetish, then there's not much that can be done about it. Sure, it's a little odd, but it's not really hurting anyone by him being into it (assuming he isn't pressuring you to do anything you're not comfortable with).

If you knew about the fact he was into this before you married him, it's a bit much condemning him now for something he can't really influence.

I can understand you being a bit 'ewwww' about this. Personally I wouldn't partake but I would be worried that by asking him not to ever watch it your asking him to completely ignore a part of himself thy he clearly finds difficult to suppress and therefore making him more even inclined to try and hide it from you.

*your = you're (sorry)

That's unbelievably grim.
I'm totally in the no porn camp. Totally makes me rethink how I see people, including DH.

Not too sure the OP is genuine given their username!

Reported, Scat!

HQ are already aware of it, deletion of one post already.

I always wonder why people think 'I know, let's post about this on a parenting site'

MN is beyond a parenting site though, isn't it? Pedants corner an' all... I don't post on any other forums apart from Tripadvisor and so if this was my problem I'd post here. not sure what they'd make of it if I wrote "We were staying in the Holiday Inn, Croydon (very nice) and I found DH's laptop..." etc

So it doesn't seem odd to me to post here and tha tit's automatically a troll but then maybe I'm naive.

Sorry OP, no advice to offer apart from what's already been said re you knew about it when you married him.

..that it's. Not tha tits!

I prefer to let MNHQ decide and it seems they have.

I hope you find an answer to your situation OP.

"We were staying in the Holiday Inn, Croydon (very nice) and I found DH's laptop..."

Hahaha! I think that would make trip advisor's site's ratings go up.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

I agree Miranda, it's not solely about parenting, I'm trying to say if I had such an issue I wouldn't think of asking on this site, I would try to find one a bit more erm, specialised?

Like I wouldn't ask Pie&Bovril about I dunno, what car to buy, just because it's inhabited by men, - I would ask a petrol-head forum.

I dunno OP.
I'd say you have to shit or get off the pot...

Its difficult because whilst both DP and myself used to watch porn, we don't watch it anymore - mostly because its just plain nasty what can be found on the internet and there are questions about consent and coercion and the way women are depicted. Like i said, we have done watersports (wee) together and it was his "thing" for a while, but after 23 year years together we have been there, done that! I can't understand a poo fetish, i mean, it must stink to high heaven if anything else, then there is the risk of infection but some people have this fetish for whatever reason i don't know. How else is he supposed to satisfy that particular curiosity other than porn? Would i be happy with my DP watching watersports porn? No, but only for the reasons stated above.

I think its ok for him to have this fetish, so long as he doesn't expect you to have anything to do with it, the porn is an issue though because if he doesn't watch porn then the only other way he is going to indulge this is by talking to women who share the fetish online and i know what i'd prefer.

Honestly, in your shoes OP i would be saying, you know what, when i was in my 20s i used to drink myself into a stupor and go out with my mates, ive grown out of that now. Its about time you left this particular fetish behind...

Catmilkman just made me LOL
Seriously op, I wouldn't give a shit.

Catmilkman just made me LOL
Seriously op, I wouldn't give a shit.

Lemons
what is wrong with the username?

OP's dh may like from the 90s.