Porn & husband (maybe TMI/ shocking!)

[Scattymere]

hi all
my DH used to look at porn more regularly- say few times a week, and confessed to me he likes watching women basically do number2s, as he finds it so intimate/amazing to see a woman share such a special thing. I Dont get it at all. to me its gross/grim. he said past girlfriends has engaged in some behaviour surrounding it, but i made it clear i couldn't go that far, ever. he dealt with it and as i asked said he'd try to stop this porn watching/give it up. We are now married with a young DD. i found laptop last night and he'd logged onto a site to watch it...

i dont "mind" porn per see as have watched it myself/am pretty open minded, but find this type, as its so grim to me and also something I won't/can't share with him, really shocking and bit upsetting. I told him in text and he said very sorry and embarrassed, was as was so stressed as know he's had awful few days at work and very stressful day coming up today.. and wont doit again, knows its bad...he has a very senior/long hours/stressful job in city. Our sex life isn't the best either, just so knackered since having DD and he is very affectionate/sees hugs/kissing as trying to initiate (when I dont read these signs) and i often bat him away.
Anyway, just wandering if you think this is very very worrying? thanks.

*Like THIS singer.

Like this* singer

I absolutely loved that song. Didn't have a clue what the lyrics were though. Earworm.

Rubbish I loved that.

Come on MN. Red button needed!

Waiting for the bid red button to descend...

To all those who have been frank and honest, thank you, I assure you this is totally serous (sadly) and felt the need to ask here as - I'm a mum, I'm in a relationship, I'm married, this is a relationship issue. Just wanted opinions as to how many would view this as a serious deal-breaker.

He is a great father on the whole- fun/loving/silly and DD dots on him, and has a very stressful 8am-8pm job too but in the week still does washing up/stuff around house each night. He is a good, decent, kind, loyal, doting partner but yup- this is his secret/vice in life and wander how far I should take this and be very worried or just try to accept/ask him not to do again/let it go.

As said, I find porn is almost a fact now, most men do it, women who say they find it horrific..would leave are I feel are in real denial about men/needs/desire/sex/difference between us towards sex/need for release without meaning...before porn were lads mags...its always been around.

Doesn't make it "right" but its a kind of given. So porn a few times a month- fine. But this kind of porn??

I think you have had good advice from some posters. I do think your NN was an unfortunate choice given your dilemma which caused some to disbelieve you, me included, sorry.

Porn is so wide-ranging and there is something out there for any type of fetish. Knowing this was his thing before you married is the key. I don't think you can stop him, the poster who said it will just allow him to do it in secret or maybe chat to women who are also into scat was right. Isn't it better that you are aware of it rather than have him deceive you?

If he's not pressuring you to take part then can you live with knowing he is just viewing it rather than take it up a step in secret?

I too think you need to work on the fact that you are both exhausted and your sex life is suffering.

DH and I have things we both like together, and things the other isn't interested/turned off by.

We indulge in what we both like, don't do what we don't both like and that side doesn't feature in our relationship and remains fantasy and isn't discussed further.

We would only find it upsetting the other has other interests if we didn't have a fulfilling relationship or that interest was interfering in our sex life together.

I suggest you both work on improving your relationship. I suspect that maybe his stress and your tiredness mean you're also both not connecting emotionally, not just sexually so this is your chance for you both to talk about how to improve your marriage.

That doesn't mean you have to be available sexually, just that an emotional connection is the place to start and then the sexual side may follow. before anyone insinuates that I'm advocating you just have to put out more!

To be honest, i have less problem with "that sort of porn" as it may well come from a fetish website, so maybe a dominatrix type scenario than most of the rest of the porn on the internet.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but it would be if he pestered me to do it.

As i say, porn has changed and it isn't nice.

I think people who think men have different "needs" to women are misguided tbh. Yes, men and women are socialised differently in respect of sex but that doesn't mean we need to permit men to abuse women or believe all men are innately abusive...

With the issue I think it is a bit strange to get het up about a poo fetish but be fine with mainstream porn which generally objectifies and degrades women. I'm with others who say you can't police his fetishes all you can do is decide whether you can deal with it or not. If he is putting you under any pressure over it and it disgusts you then break up.

I'm with LEM btw in that I would be vastly less concerned about watching this type of porn than mainstream stuff - this surely indicates an unsatisfied fetish. Mainstream porn to me indicates a man who ignore or is comfortable with sexual abuse of women.

Thanks again for thoughts. Just to clarify- he doesn’t pressure me at all. He’s stated several times he wouldn’t want me to partake whatsoever as he sees me as this Madonna type being as his wife, and realises this type of "viewing" is seedy/dirty so doesn’t want me connected to it. Its very much Madonna/Whore situation, which isn’t ideal either, I realise.

handfulofcottonbuds thank you- your post is so thoughtful and honest - this very helpful, I did consider name change but started off on MN with this name- still bit bemused as to how this is so connected with the subject matter right now, but I am a bit slow... You are so right, we are both utterly totally shattered, and this despite help from parents, and only having the 1 DC...honestly don’t know how others cope. I know we seriously need to address the issues in our relationship, we do have solid blocks that are so good and just hope can overcome it. Was just shocking seeing this today when we've recently had a bit of a bumpy ride, thought all was good again and then saw this on laptop. He’s not lying when he said today was a particularly stressful day ahead at work, I knew this and he’s had a past few shocking days too. No excuse, but does explain the sudden "relapse". I also agree I’d prefer it was in the open, anything secret is negative, you are completely right in everything you say.

Joysmum- you are so frank and sound very sorted generally, thank you too & thanks for your honesty. You are spot on that we need to much much better emotionally connect in able to better sexually connect, I really hope we can work on this to get better.

Offred thanks for discussing the type of issue specifically! I do agree its clearly totally a fetish..thanks for frank thoughts, very grateful.

As you can all imagine, something of this nature is something I cant share with anyone I know, hence why out of desperation I posted here. All comments and response are really appreciated as its good to get this in the open, thank you. I tried to not be graphic in my descriptions sorry if it's been offensive to some.

Run, run for the hills after the madonna/whore thing

I don't think you've been offensive at all. What a coincidence that your NN was chosen before you knew this, I should have done a search before I acted so quickly

My stbxh viewed legal but questionable porn. He hid it, I only found out towards the end of our marriage, I wish that he had discussed it with me, Maybe he thought it was 'dirty', maybe he thought I wouldn't understand but he never gave me the chance.

The exhaustion is understandable. Could you have date nights? Could he take a day off work now and again and you totally focus on both of you? It doesn't even have to involve sex, you just need to get that intimacy back.

It is not something which is 'less than ideal' that. It is something that is absolutely, positively threatening to you and DC if he genuinely sees women as divided into madonna/whore...

Read up about it op. Sex with the madonna usually dries up... It's a massive red flag.

Understand the cocnerns. I do really think he was only using this as a basic/rough example as to why it couldn't and shouldn't (not that I was ever willing) to be involved in this.
Other than this, he is fiercely loyal and faithful, and makes clear he still finds me very attractive, while still making moves to be intimate and when we are is still very "into it" and "giving" (erruugh how do you discuss this stuff?!).

It just doesn't happen often enough, and as I bat his advances away as Im usually so knackered, so have to take some serious blame. Must make organising more date nights a serious priority, definitely- thankyou handful

It's funny because I would have thought that it makes you sexually incompatible. I mean if you don't like something but he does then you are not compatible and surely that's very important when it comes to sex.

Of course if you are happy to live with it and it is something you can cope with then fine as he won't just stop enjoying it and you can't change him either.
Personally I wouldn't have married a man who was into that in the first place. Ewww.

Just for those who don't know, Scat basically means poop, so obviously lots of people would doubt you due to the username. Sorry for the confusion.

I had an ex also into this, it is a lot lot more common that some of you would like to believe, honestly….

For me it’s like 1 of those fetishes, feet for e.g. we can’t understand, a bit eww, but my ex also said because it was such an inmate thing women did behind closed doors, that’s the reason he found it so exciting. So it’s kind of emotional connected to the physical I think if you get my reasoning.

Reading this board, seeing the amount of men just plain nasty, violent, cheating, long term or frequent affairs- and your DH has a (yes odd/ewww/tabbo) fetish- I honestly think in the scheme of things it can be “accepted”, especially if he clearly tries to not do this any more and it might only occasional relapse down to very stressful times, most of us turn to something in these times, this is his.

Those saying they wouldn't have married an otherwise decent guy and now turned out to be good dad too- because of this- really??? So OTT.

Don't kid yourself that all men regularly watch porn, they don't, I notice your sex life isn't great, so common in relationships where the man seems to prefer porn to the real thing.

Other than asking him to put more effort into the two of you being more romantic with each other you can't really stop him I suppose.

The fetish he has is pretty hard core I'd say, it would put me right off, but, if you knew about it before marrying him then I guess you also need to suck this up.

Sorry, I don't agree that all men are doing this sort of thing, I think he's in the minority.