please help, severe jealousy of dh's ex wife, i can't do this anymore

[JustWanaBeHappy]

have nc as am seriously embarrassed and ashamed and I am sure you will all think I am nuts and awful. this is going to be a right ramble but I need to get it all out

I have been with DH 8 years, married 5. I am 33 and dh is 43. we have 2 DDs aged 2 and 6. and I have a DS, 10, from a prev relationship. he was married before and has a 19 yo dd and 2 adult stepchildren. I have always had jealousy issues over his ex right from the beginning as I was only his second gf after they split and she wanted him back and tried to get him back a few times in the first year or 2 we were together. I was really insecure. and still I am jealous of her now and of his past life.

he met her at 23, she was living with someone and had 2 DCs, but she left him for DH. her and her DC moved in immediately. only imagine how in love dh was to do that as a 23 year old lad really, he was (and is) very good looking and popular, he'd had several GFs until her, but never settled down so wasn't exactly short of offers. so god knows how crazy in love / lust he was to get her down the aisle that quick. he reckons it was her that pushed him into moving fast, he was not that bothered but I know what he is like, he isn't daft. In fact he is very sensible, measured and stubborn and if he didn't want to do something he wouldn't do it.

dh proposed to me after about 2 years and it bugs the hell out of me that it took him so long, knowing how quick he got a ring on XW.

I even get jealous that they owned a house together, dh and I only rent, how pathetic is that. we have never had that experience and prob never will! and I am jealous that he has already been a step dad before he was a step dad to my DS and that makes it less special to me.

I have low self esteem anyway. but my jealousy affects everything. worst of all it affects our sex life, as i wonder if she was better than me in bed, (she is skinny like about a size 6 and loads better looking than me even though she is older), she is typical blonde, skinny, tanned, immaculate....i am dark, pale and slim ish, quite unconventional looking really, I think had a brief period of "prettiness" in my 20's but thats going down hill quick and my 3 pregnancies have ruined my figure tbh. i will never look good in a bikini again. but at 40 odd and after her 3 kids she was posting holiday bikini pics on FB recently looking amazing. my feelings affect everything. our holidays, things we do as a family, when he does romantic things for me, Christmases, family parties etc etc, I just think, he has done this all before and I haven't. So I feel it isn't as special or meaningful. I am also jealous as I had sections for my births, dh ex had DSD naturally, and I often think how amazing it must have been for him. and also she will always be the mother of his PFB. and I have heard on here that women who have had natural births have better sex so there's another reason I worry that our sex life isn't as good. Not to mention my horrid scar. so embarrassed writing this.

basically I can not deal or cope with the fact he had a family before me....tbh the main reason I wanted to have our dds was to "even the score" and secretly I am happy that I have got more children with him than she has, (obvs he does not know that!) how awful is that? and mad.

I also secretly compare our kids with DSD. and although I would never say it our 2 girls are no where near as pretty and cute as DSD was (and is). in fact I even feel sick sometimes when I see DSD as she is crazy beautiful and I imagine her DM looked just like her at her age and I hate myself for it as I love DSD and she is lovely. so how awful of me.

I feel i cannot compete, I don't know what he sees in me when I look in the mirror. and its only going down hill as i get older! but he is always telling me how much he loves me, that he has never loved/fancied anyone as much as me or been so happy. that we have loads in common and i am his best friend, and he has never had that before. in fact he has told me before he was mostly quite unhappy when he was married before. so why can't I shake this jealousy? he knows about it a bit but I could never tell him all this.

ps I have had counselling several times and nothing has worked :( ....and I am sorry this is so long

[springydaffs]

Well, goodness me, NO WONDER THEN!!!
Look what this fucker has put you through!

I was going to say way back up thread that the only time I was insanely jealous - to the point I -screamed on Hampstead heath was so distressed when I heard he'd seen her I was off work for a week. It wasn't until after i left the fuckhead bastard relationship I saw clearly he had made me unhinged with jealousy. It wasn't me at all - I had never been jealous before (or since).

[ErniesGhostlyGoldTops]

Just Unintentionally I know but you have just won MN 'Dripfeed Of The Year Award'. No wonder you are in the head space you are with this back story! It's not jealousy it's a reaction to his shoddy treatment of you. Acknowledge that first and you can move forward. No wonder you feel the way you do. You need a massive hug for a start!

[ErniesGhostlyGoldTops]

Just I am a second wife. DH first wife was a domestic goddess (I burn salad) she is taller, more beautiful and in every way 'better' than me except..... if you analyse it. I am better for DH than she was. I make him laugh whereas she made him stressed. She spent an eyewatering sum of money constantly to maintain the facade of respectable middle class life (and herself with expensive everything) whereas I 'm careful with money and we now have savings (something he has never had- the comfort of having a few quid tucked away for a rainy day). Everyone says I am the polar opposite of her and I used to take that as a criticism but the more I hear about her, the more I realise he was run ragged trying to keep her happy. Many of his friends and family have said he is happier with me than he was with his first wife and I believe that is true. What I'm trying to say is, it's not superficial this relationship thing. 'On paper' she may appear a certain way - slimmer prettier etc than you (this is you saying this) but he probably doesn't see what you see.
Despite the shite that's gone on, if you genuinely believe he loves you then try to relax, be yourself and enjoy life more. The rest will fall into place. I now never give DH's first wife a thought. They have DCs together but they are late teens now and it's all in the past where it is best left. I now see photos of her on FB etc. She is aging now as am I. She is still single and that may be for a very good reason?

[shovetheholly]

^^ That is an awesome, awesome post from Ernie.

I think the vital question here is: can you forgive him for what he did at the start of the relationship? Don't get me wrong, it sounds like he was an absolute bastard for a bit. In fact, it sounds like he wavered between two people: one who was desperately uncertain about everything, another who was ridiculously over-committed at too early a stage. Believe me, I understand fully what a legacy that leaves and how much it can hurt.

If you think this was just a 'blip' and that he is over it and settled and committed now, then you need to find a way to move beyond it. That doesn't mean that you don't still feel bad about it, more that you recognise that the pain is in the past and that your relationship is on a different footing now. It may mean counselling for you both as a couple to talk about the legacy of that time for you, and the way that it has affected your confidence long term. But it also means that you take some responsibility for negative patterns of thinking and for building up your confidence again, and becoming a stronger and more independent person who can look in the mirror and like the person she sees. (This is about re-learning self-esteem. Like you have to relearn an instrument if you haven't played for a while).

[JustWanaBeHappy]

you have just won MN 'Dripfeed Of The Year Award

I know

I really am so sorry

springy that sounds awful. I have always been a jealous person tbh, I have had dreadful relationships in the past in my teens where I felt ugly, worthless, second best....I had a bad relationship with my parents, I felt second best to my brother, I was bullied at school and was constantly given the message from all around me that looks were everything and i didnt measure up. ironically i was a very attractive, slim teenager and 20 something! but can see where it all comes from tbh

ernies what a lovely post, thank you, and I am so glad things worked out ok for you

shovetheholly we have been to relate counselling over this which helped a tiny bit as it helped DH see exactly what his actions did to me. but it hasn't helped me forgive DH or move on from it....we have finished counselling now and can't really afford more

I do think it was a blip what happened, but it still kills me, that, at that time, for whatever reason, he put his ex wife before me, that I was (unknowingly) put in competition and she won, that i wasn't good enough for him to stay with me and only me.....albeit for a short time and he "chose" me in the end but in my head there should never have been an option, he should have only ever wanted me no matter what, maybe that's irrational.

but in his defence I can say since the day that we got back together (after the couple of weeks of him messing me about) he has treated me perfectly, there has never been one moment where i have not felt loved and desired, the way he looks at me, the things he does for me, how he is with the DCS, he really is a model dh. so it does feel like that time was a blip :(

[Bogeyface]

it still kills me, that, at that time, for whatever reason, he put his ex wife before me,

Well lets take him at his word about why he did what he did. It wasnt because he put his wife before you was it? It was because he thought he would lose contact with his DD. Not a sensible thing to do but he certainly wasnt choosing her over you.

*that I was (unknowingly) put in competition and she won,&

But she didnt did she? It was a couple of weeks during which time she was pulling out all the stops to get him back after which he still returned to you. I dont see that she won anything.

that i wasn't good enough for him to stay with me and only me

But he did stay with you. She was fucking with his head by threatening to take his dd away from him and reacted badly, but when he came to his senses he saw that the only person he wanted to be with was you and that he wouldnt allow her manipulation to split you up.

he "chose" me in the end but in my head there should never have been an option, he should have only ever wanted me no matter what, maybe that's irrational.

If he had not only ever wanted you then he would have gone back to his ex and stayed with her purely for the child, but he didnt.

It is irrational and I really do think you need help to deal with it as it will end your marriage and destroy your family, especially as you compare your children to her child and still find them wanting, that is very worrying.

[JustWanaBeHappy]

thanks bogeyface

he also swears on the dc lives that he didn't shag her (when he went back) as he didn't fancy her anymore or even want to be with her in any way

that would completely tip me over the edge as he was coming to me most days and sleeping with me and we were not using anything (I was on the pill) the thought of him bed hopping is completely disgusting

so if he did actually shag her then our relationship is built on a lie and I have told him that

[NorahDentressangle]

I have had dreadful relationships in the past in my teens where I felt ugly, worthless, second best....I had a bad relationship with my parents, I felt second best to my brother, I was bullied at school and was constantly given the message from all around me that looks were everything and i didnt measure up

Then stop making this all about your OP, it is you and your confidence. Instead of wanting him to jump through umpteen hoops to prove how wonderful you are, get some counseling and find out how wonderful you are anyway.

Just doing this for yourself would be a big boost, stop relying on him.

[Bogeyface]

And he has said he didnt.

So at some point you need to take his word for it.

It really does sound like she didnt want him until you did and then tried to break you up by threatening to remove access to his DD. She was allowed to move on but he was supposed to still be in love with her and clearly he wasnt, he was in love with you.

[springydaffs]

So, what counselling have you had? Alone or couples'?

Because, honey, you need to do some work alone on this - ie the past. That's one hell of a lot of rejection and made to feel worthless. That stuff doesn't just vanish...

What he (briefly) did played into all your triggers and damage; a direct hit
Doing couples counselling with him is reliant on HIM understanding what he did, how much harm he caused. But it's YOU who needs to get how much harm it - and why. You were already sooooo sore in that area and simply couldn't take something on those lines.

Though, let's be fair, there's very few who could take it tbf

[JustWanaBeHappy]

I've had cbt alone, have had 2 goes at it and it's done nothing

And had relate counselling with dh

I know I need some proper counselling but I'm not sure cbt is the right sort

Sorry for brief reply I'm on my phone

[Tory79]

Good lord, you are actually me, glad I'm not the only one

Counselling (including cbt) has done naff all to help me.

[springydaffs]

CBT is nuts and bolts basic skills. They are excellent skills; good, basic skills.

That's it (imo). I'm trying to think of an analogy - learning scales doesn't make a musician? There's a lot more to it than that - though scales are an essential, bedrock skill.

Sorry to hear you haven't had a fruitful time in therapy, Tory, but I'd have to say there must have been some basic things that weren't present eg time, therapist, therapy -

Time - it takes time to settle in to the therapy dynamic - months/years not weeks
Therapist - has to be a fully qualified therapist ie years and years of training, extensive personal therapy themselves, conclusive supervision. Too many call themselves therapists who have had very little training and, crucially imo, have not negotiated the therapy process themselves.
Therapist - we have to click with the therapist. S/he may be the bizz but if we don't click we won't make any progress.
Therapy - has to be appropriate therapy for us. One size doesn't fit all.

It's possible to get low-cost therapy through eg women's orgs (though you may well get practitioners who haven't had, imo, adequate training) or private therapists who offer a sliding fee scale. Contact BACP to research therapists practising in your area.

Op, I think you'd benefit from more focused therapy to get to the bottom of what's going on here, as well as effective skills to tackle it.

[NorahDentressangle]

I went to therapy but there were things I kept to myself - possibly to avoid being seen in a bad light.

Imo once I spoke to someone to whom I layed everything bare I made improvements. Not a CBT therapist.

Have you truly opened up to someone, OP?

[wingsflyby]

He is with YOU for a reason. He didn't want to be with her and that's all the more reason why she probably tries too hard.

I would seek some help to build your self esteem. You sound lovely and the first thing I would do is STOP letting my mind run to thoughts of this woman. I know that's harder said than done.

[JustWanaBeHappy]

sorry I haven't been back I have had very sporadic internet access the last few days!

just wanted to say thanks for all the replies

it has actually helped a lot writing it all down and seeing how shocked people have been and made me see that it is not normal...and - at the moment - I am feeling a lot better, I think its helped writing it all down as well

I never admitted the full extent of my jealousy when we were in counselling, which I guess defeated the object a bit really. but I was embarrassed and also didn't want dh to know, as, as I said, if he felt this way about my ex I would feel weird about it

I do think I will never, ever forgive him for what he did, despite how good everything has been since then. and sometimes I think its unfair of me to stay with him, knowing how I feel. as, if I had done something 7 years ago that he still was stewing over I wouldn't like it

and tory I am sorry to hear you feel the same, wish I could say something to help, but there has been some great advice on this thread x

[fernvilla]

It’s not a competition. Everyone has previous baggage. Get counselling. Bio mum will feel intense anger, resentment, jealously for the second wife. He had kids, and LEFT her and is now with YOU. He’s with YOU. The ex wife is intimidated and jealous of you.

[SendintheArdwolves]

Total aside but:

(SPOILERS)

Rebecca is a great book, but it is NOT a romantic story about how the second Mrs de winter is a much better wife for max and how Rebecca was a beautiful, scheming BITCH. Its the story of an abusive relationship - or rather, two. Max murders Rebecca when he can't control her and dresses it up to his second wife as her "provoking" him to do it.

Du Maurier knew exactly what she was doing - Rebecca is an anti romance story, and it's clear that she did not intend the take home to be "and they all lived happily ever after". Max is a bully to his second wife FROM THE START and patronises and controls her, all the while making it clear she is failing in all the ways his previous wife succeeded. Then when the revelation about his murder of Rebecca comes to light, she elects to stand by him - when she ought to run screaming. Du Maurier makes it clear this is a mistake - the rest of their lives together are spent shuttling around Europe, with max a shell of a man and the 2nd Mrs de winter his nurse maid.

TLDR : Rebecca is great, but it's about abuse, not jealousy.