please help, severe jealousy of dh's ex wife, i can't do this anymore

[JustWanaBeHappy]

have nc as am seriously embarrassed and ashamed and I am sure you will all think I am nuts and awful. this is going to be a right ramble but I need to get it all out

I have been with DH 8 years, married 5. I am 33 and dh is 43. we have 2 DDs aged 2 and 6. and I have a DS, 10, from a prev relationship. he was married before and has a 19 yo dd and 2 adult stepchildren. I have always had jealousy issues over his ex right from the beginning as I was only his second gf after they split and she wanted him back and tried to get him back a few times in the first year or 2 we were together. I was really insecure. and still I am jealous of her now and of his past life.

he met her at 23, she was living with someone and had 2 DCs, but she left him for DH. her and her DC moved in immediately. only imagine how in love dh was to do that as a 23 year old lad really, he was (and is) very good looking and popular, he'd had several GFs until her, but never settled down so wasn't exactly short of offers. so god knows how crazy in love / lust he was to get her down the aisle that quick. he reckons it was her that pushed him into moving fast, he was not that bothered but I know what he is like, he isn't daft. In fact he is very sensible, measured and stubborn and if he didn't want to do something he wouldn't do it.

dh proposed to me after about 2 years and it bugs the hell out of me that it took him so long, knowing how quick he got a ring on XW.

I even get jealous that they owned a house together, dh and I only rent, how pathetic is that. we have never had that experience and prob never will! and I am jealous that he has already been a step dad before he was a step dad to my DS and that makes it less special to me.

I have low self esteem anyway. but my jealousy affects everything. worst of all it affects our sex life, as i wonder if she was better than me in bed, (she is skinny like about a size 6 and loads better looking than me even though she is older), she is typical blonde, skinny, tanned, immaculate....i am dark, pale and slim ish, quite unconventional looking really, I think had a brief period of "prettiness" in my 20's but thats going down hill quick and my 3 pregnancies have ruined my figure tbh. i will never look good in a bikini again. but at 40 odd and after her 3 kids she was posting holiday bikini pics on FB recently looking amazing. my feelings affect everything. our holidays, things we do as a family, when he does romantic things for me, Christmases, family parties etc etc, I just think, he has done this all before and I haven't. So I feel it isn't as special or meaningful. I am also jealous as I had sections for my births, dh ex had DSD naturally, and I often think how amazing it must have been for him. and also she will always be the mother of his PFB. and I have heard on here that women who have had natural births have better sex so there's another reason I worry that our sex life isn't as good. Not to mention my horrid scar. so embarrassed writing this.

basically I can not deal or cope with the fact he had a family before me....tbh the main reason I wanted to have our dds was to "even the score" and secretly I am happy that I have got more children with him than she has, (obvs he does not know that!) how awful is that? and mad.

I also secretly compare our kids with DSD. and although I would never say it our 2 girls are no where near as pretty and cute as DSD was (and is). in fact I even feel sick sometimes when I see DSD as she is crazy beautiful and I imagine her DM looked just like her at her age and I hate myself for it as I love DSD and she is lovely. so how awful of me.

I feel i cannot compete, I don't know what he sees in me when I look in the mirror. and its only going down hill as i get older! but he is always telling me how much he loves me, that he has never loved/fancied anyone as much as me or been so happy. that we have loads in common and i am his best friend, and he has never had that before. in fact he has told me before he was mostly quite unhappy when he was married before. so why can't I shake this jealousy? he knows about it a bit but I could never tell him all this.

ps I have had counselling several times and nothing has worked :( ....and I am sorry this is so long

[Jan45]

You definitely need help, this is not healthy at all. We all have a past, you are consumed with jealousy of something that does not matter anymore. I would go seek some help because there's nothing more unattractive than a needy and jealous person.

You've got a past also, I bet he doesn't torture himself over it.

I think you have deep seated issues that are coming out in this.

[NorahDentressangle]

After 30+ years of marriage I would say that what my DH wants most of all is for me to be happy.
If I am happy he knows he has contributed to that, and a happy partner and home is all he wants. He doesn't really care what others have or what he had in his first marriage.

So, OP, please start thinking about being happy (or faking it if you must) but that is the most important thing in your relationship imo. Certainly not whatever happened in the past.

[NewTwenty]

1. Come off Facebook. I have done this and don't miss it all.
   
   
2. Read 'Rebecca'
   
   
3. Listen to your DH saying those wonderful things, before he stops saying them for good.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Some lovely advice for you on this thread, OP. You must try to put this in perspective or drive yourself demented and potentially spoil what you have.

Essentially, your problem - and your salvation - is that you are trying to compare apples and pears. You can't realistically compare with your husband's ex wife as your situation isn't the same, ie. he's no longer 23 and everything else about your situation is different.

Think about this... if you'd been married before, would you not take a little bit of time for retrospection with a new partner (ie. you) and make absolutely sure that you are able to make them (ie. you) happy? Two years is nothing, it was the time that it took and that was the time that needed to be taken. He didn't have to marry you at all, he chose to do that as much as you chose to marry him.

Also, 'good looking' is subjective and it's a very base reason. Don't pin that on your husband because it's actually not a compliment when it's allied with anything else, ie. he must have been crazy in love with her because he's so good looking. He married her because he loved her, yes. He married you for the same reason.

You need, I think, to find some different sort of counselling because you're in danger of destroying everything you have. It's your self-esteem that needs some work, start with that and everything else should fall into place. Keeping this poison (and it is poison) inside you isn't good for you - or attractive because as much as you think you're keeping it in, you're not as successful at that as you think you are - please address that, for you and for your entire family.

I'm sure you're a good person and that you must be conflicted in yourself to feel the way that you do; get some help and free yourself of this because it must be bloody awful to live with this pressing on you all the time.

[springydaffs]

You didn't answer if you've been jealous before op?

Counselling for something like this takes a loooong time. It takes a long time to get to the root - which, when you find it, is blindingly obvious - only it can take a long time to get there, or to appreciate the effects of the root cause/s.

But it looks like your heart is in the other thread - or the two threads are overwhelming? If so, can you link us to the other thread so we can all be under one roof?

[SelfLoathing]

Read 'Rebecca'

Well yes. I agree - this is the Daphne Du Maurier novel OP. If you really think it's all in your head, this would be a marvellous read for you.

Plus it's a great book.


Read it now. If you've read it before, read it again.

[JustWanaBeHappy]

hi springy yes I have been jealous before in prev relationships but not as bad as this

yeah its got a bit confusing with the 2 threads, MN have blatantly ignored my request to delete this one, I wanted to keep the AIBU one for the traffic

and thank you I will read Rebecca although I am not great at reading, I know that makes me sound thick but literally marian keyes style chick lit is about as high brow as I get haha

[JustWanaBeHappy]

oh and here is the link to the one in aibu

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2393785-severe-jealousy-of-DH-EXW-please-help-i-know-iabu-Cant-do-this-anymore?

[IrianofWay]

"You need, I think, to find some different sort of counselling because you're in danger of destroying everything you have. It's your self-esteem that needs some work, start with that and everything else should fall into place."

I totally agree with lyingwitch on this. I spent years being lacking in confidence and self-esteem and it honestly twisted me up in knots and poisoned my life. Comparisons are a losing game to someone with low self-esteem - the things you compared badly on will be emphasised in your head, and the things that show you in a good light will be dismissed. You can't win.

[JustWanaBeHappy]

did you try counselling irian ? if so what sort?

there is no way I can afford it privately, dh and I already wasted spent loads of money on relate which hardly even helped tbh

I totally agree with your last paragraph, I am exactly like that, people can say nice things about me (and they do) and I never believe them, but just one negative thing will eat away at me forever. it sucks, how did I get like this ffs

[Orange6358]

The jealousy is all in your head and it will ruin your relationship with everyone including him.

The problem is that you are comparing everything you have together with everything they had together and your jealousy is stealing away any joy. This man loves you and is happy with you. He has chosen to be with you.

You are basing your own self value and you children's worth purely on the way you/they look. This is a disastrous way to think and will cause your children to compare themselves and have low self esteem too. You and your kids are worth more then the joint sum of your skin and bones though.

Many a immature twenty year old has rushed impulsively down the isle to wed. Of course a grown man with life experience will take longer to wed. He has more understanding of what marriage involves.

[Orange6358]

Have you used CBT before? Dealing with your thoughts as they arise.

[IrianofWay]

I did have counselling briefly - but that was after H had an affair and basically reduced my self-esteem to a heap on the floor!

It wasn't that that helped really. It was the sudden horrible realisation, when I was at my very lowest, of just how much damage I had done myself over the years, how much joy I had excluded from my life, how I had always emphasised the negative and ignored the positive, how bloody amazing I actually was and how my DH had loved me and praised me and how I never appreciated it.

I took myself by the scruff of the next and shook very hard. I started running more often, lost weight, joined clubs and started acting as if I was a confident, grown-up, attractive woman who COULD do these things. Fake it, as they say, till you make it.

I am not 100% there yet but it's getting better. I don't have any quick fixes, sorry x

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Why oh why oh why are you desperately trying to live your life in competition with someone your DH had a relationship with over 8 years ago?

What is she to do with you, with your life, with your sex life, with your family?

Like others, I would get counseling because your issues seem to be ruining what should be a very happy time for you.

[ShatterResistant]

There is a brilliant film of Rebecca. It's in black and white, and possibly on Netflix. Gets the point across very well, if you're not a big reader.

[Branleuse]

it doesnt matter how nice or pretty or anything she is or was. It really doesnt. You need to wean yourself off this self torture drama. He needs to stop making comparisons, even if theyre favourable to you. It still means hes comparing, and thats a headfuck.

I used to feel pretty jealous of my dps ex wife, but its gone as time goes on. He was in love with her, he married her. In some ways their relationship was probably better and in some ways worse. I am MORE than a comparison to another woman though.

I think you need some proper therapy. Psychotherapy.
Everybody has a past. Most people have loved before. How do you even know if you love your dp properly if all youre thinking about is whether she was a better person for you. Sounds like insecure attachment.

Whats your relationship like with your father/parents?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It is only ever going to be sparkling and new when it's untried and untested. The ex was your DH's crash test dummy so that second time around being a husband, parenting and stepfatherhood with you was going to be just right.

[catsrus]

I was married for over 20 yrs to someone who left me for an OW and then married her. They've been married about 4 yrs now. I hear she is eaten up with jealousy about his previous life and it's causing huge problems. I think that's very sad to be honest.

From the POV of being the first wife I have certainly moved on, I have no desire whatsoever for a renewed relationship with my ex. I think she and he are much better suited as a couple (not a kind of relationship I would ever want to be in!). Don't assume that she would want a relationship with him now, their relationship might have been great at times but clearly reached a point where it wasn't!. Your relationship sounds good apart from this - I agree that you might do well to get help to deal with some of the negative emotions around this, do what you need to do to get yourself back on track and enjoy your marriage.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I don't think that's helpful or fair, Donkeys, sorry. It's doing a huge disservice to OP's intelligence and it's nothing but a sop that you have no way of knowing is the truth. It's also dismissive and ignorant to OP's husband and his former wife's marriage and children.

I know saying stuff like that comes from a good place and you're trying to be comforting but it doesn't make it a good thing, it really isn't.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I was trying to take in what OP was saying Lying and was shocked at the part about comparing the DCs to DSD.Not finding what you have with the person closest to you special because it's second time around for him must be miserable.

Whatever they had, wore off. It wasn't perfect was it JustWanaBeHappy.

I don't imagine for a moment this is easy for you OP.

Fwiw I don't think that reading Rebecca or booking a professional family photo as suggested earlier really touches the surface of this but it may help - who am I to judge.

[NorahDentressangle]

Is one of the problems that you don't have enough to occupy your mind.

I have felt depressed but, after counseling, I am trying to set up a small business.
All of a sudden my mind is full of business stuff, plans, ideas etc.
It makes it easy now to do something I always struggled with which is to not dwell on the negatives in life. If I start a negative train of thought it is so occasional now (as my brain is busy with other stuff) that I can stop myself and switch to the things I'm interested in.
Can you throw yourself into something a new career, uni, ......anything that presses your buttons and just go for it.

Caring for DCs and housework is mind blowingly dull and repetitive, perhaps getting away from that could help.

And DO NOT allow yourself to make pathetic excuses eg the DCs need me, I've too much to do, to stop yourself getting out there.

I am a second wife. Fortunately the first was not around but if her name was mentioned it was like a kick in the stomach. But I think I was making the mistake of being the dutiful wife (ie better at it than her) and not being the busy, happy, living life to the full woman I should have been striving to be.

[springydaffs]

Honestly? This isn't in the normal run of things so saying 'you shouldn't do it' isn't going to touch it - you've done enough of that op and it has had zero effect.

When I asked if you'd been jealous before, I meant way back - were you jealous as a child? What happened in your parents' relationship, was it safe, steady? How were things between you and your siblings? How was school; relationships at school with both peers and teachers? Did you hold your own with the work or was it a struggle?

Its not bcs I'm on this thread that I'd seriously question your preference for a thread in the vicious AIBU. You need great kindness and sensitivity with this op

[JustWanaBeHappy]

He needs to stop making comparisons, even if theyre favourable to you. It still means hes comparing, and thats a headfuck

I agree, TBH, I liked it at the time, not gonna lie. but actually don't think it helped. as I pictured her completely different and felt like I was definitely better looking than her as dh seemed so nuts over me. then a few months in to our relationship, I saw a picture and was just gutted as she wasn't what I expected

I also need to point out (I put this in the aibu post but that's disappeared so will put it on here) .....and I know I should have put it in the OP so I apologise for drip feed

but at the beginning of the relationship, this happened:

[AyeAmarok]

Ah, well that explains a bit better why you're now feeling how you do.

This is why they say when someone cheats on you and you stay with them, it's YOU who lives the life sentence, daily. The cheater gets off so much easier. It's very unfair.

[JustWanaBeHappy]

This is why they say when someone cheats on you and you stay with them, it's YOU who lives the life sentence, daily. The cheater gets off so much easier. It's very unfair

I know

even though he said he didn't still love her or even want her back at all, he just missed his dd and in the end he would rather have me even at the risk of not seeing his dd

but I just imagine he was loving it that 2 women wanted him, bet he was like a dog with 2 dicks.

and so unfair that he didn't tell me at the time, meaning I made a decision to have him back based on a lie